They say that ‘sometimes…the things that we can’t change, end up changing us!’
In just a day, I have gone from riding on the back of someone else’s new chapter, holding on for dear life, to being fiercely thrust into my own. I innocently thought that I was preparing Noah to return to school, to work hard in year three and to look out for his little sister who would be starting school with him, for the first time. I put my energy into getting them there yesterday morning, on time and with everything they needed. I used my strength, needed it desperately so that I wouldn’t fall apart. I was determined not to cry in front of her… I didn’t want her to think that she needed to stay with me. I did sob… but I waited until she was happy playing. I waited until she didn’t look for me anymore. It didn’t take very long. She was okay… She was busy starting that chapter which I mentioned before.
And as I walked away from her, I felt lost in myself somewhere. Words weren’t making much sense and I was half way home before I realised that I was walking anywhere.
It took me that long to realise that I had been stranded at the start of my own ‘new direction’. Left to sink or swim. I haven’t been by myself in a really long time. Not for a substantial amount of time. Not like I will now.
And last night I sat…I pondered what I would do with it! The spare time? I considered what it would do to me.
Would it change my mind about how insanely I hope that we will be blessed with a third child? Will I take up baking, knitting? Will I learn a new language? Will I grow to like it? Will I remain lost? Will I grow roots in my local Costa while writing that book that I have dreamt of having published? Will I read more, create more? Will I simply count down the seconds until my favourite people in the world come home to me, their mama?
Will I become obsessed with adult colouring books?
Will I fall in love with running again?
Will I say yes to more opportunities, more invites?
Will I spend my time missing my children and wondering what they are up to?
Will I eat too much brie and cherry tomatoes?
Will I take up painting?
Will I walk for hours because I have nothing better to do?
Will I be okay?
I have to be don’t I? I want to be! I have to fall in love with this next chapter. My new chapter. I have to enjoy it because I want the children to enjoy theirs and they learn from how I live life. I want us to come back together, around the dinner table and talk about the awesome things that have happened in our happy days. And…It just makes sense to me that life is better when you are smiling, laughing.
Life is better when you are achieving, pushing yourself, getting closer to your dreams coming true and closer to reaching your goals. Life is no joke!
My new chapter will be exactly what I make it. I have to let it change me, for all of the good that it can do.
It could make me a better mother, more patient, more organised, more fun. I think that I’m a good mum now. I’m kind, caring…warm. We have a lot of fun, a lot of laughs…but it could be even better if I let it. If I strive for it. If I make the best of ‘this’. Couldn’t it?
Is it okay that my new chapter doesn’t sound so bad now? Is it okay that It will be nice to tell my children about it?
It could teach them so much, don’t you think? About how we have to keep moving forward, how we have to stay flexible because the world is always changing and we have to be able to adapt, find the good. Take a sad song and make it better?
About how we have to choose happiness and enjoy each day as much as possible. About how we all should endeavour to find the good in everything, everyone…ourselves?
About how we should try our hardest not to waste days, even the seconds. Time can be a beast but we can’t let it go to waste.
About how we mustn’t regret and we mustn’t dwell.
I think so….
I also think that this could be something wonderful for me…and of course my lovely littles… and man.
What do you think? What would you do with a chapter like this one?
Love, Ria x