I’m not starting this letter to you at all well. You my darling are turning four tomorrow and before I have even managed the start of this letter, I already have a tear on my cheek. I can’t believe how quickly this day has come around. You have been waiting for this day… one that in your eyes, will make you ‘big, big, big!’
I know it is selfish but, I don’t want you to be ‘big, big, big!’… I have truly cherished you this size, the size you are right now… with your bright, blonde hair and blue eyes. You look like an angel and despite the fact that can have an extremely quick temper, sharp wit and stong mind… You really are truly sweet. So fresh and so pure. I love you when you’re this big and I know that people say, ‘the older your children get, the more you fall in love with them!’… that just can’t be possible. My heart will practically pop if I try and squeeze any more love for you in.
If I could pause this moment, this ‘you’ for a tiny while longer, I really would. Just to get more hugs, kisses, songs and love from you…’when you were three’.
We have been through so much together this year and we have become closer and closer. I have watched you change so much in front of my eyes and that is such a beautiful transition to be a part of. Last year was a big deal because you were reaching milestones…and some were questioned. We were unsure if you were colour blind and your speech wasn’t where some people thought it should be. For these reasons, you were frustrated often and it made you sad sometimes. This year, you have really come in to your own. You live life in plenty of colour, ones that you certainly recognise and now, you talk well. Some would say maybe too much and too often, haha. Not me though, I love to listen to you tell me little stories, involve me in your games and sing to me. When you sing to me, that is just the best.
I have been so blessed to have the pleasure of seeing all of the wonderful things you can and do, do every single day. You make me so very proud of you. A few days ago, I watched you copy the words on your christmas list with such care and attention to detail and it blew my mind. The simple things that you do every day…they really are such big things to me. Things I won’t forget.
I can hear Daddy getting you ready for bed right now. He has just said, ‘Ellenah, when you wake up in the morning, you are going to be four years old!’… It’s a tough one to hear. You are growing further away from being my baby girl and in to a little girl who knows right from wrong and you are one step closer to realising just how incredible you are. I have just had my last cuddle with you as my three year old daughter and it was like a stab to the heart. I cradled you in my arms and you reached your hand up to stroke my cheek…just like when you were a tiny baby in my arms. We looked at each other and I started to cry one more time. I don’t for one second think that you understood why but you stuck out your tiny, soft little finger and wiped my tears away anyway… and you smiled at me. And, because I’m an emotional mess right now… all I can bring myself to think in my heart and out loud is this….
‘I just love you so much Ellenah! From that first moment I set eyes on you, I have loved you and there has not been a day that goes past that my love for you has faltered in any way. You are my daughter and as each year goes by, I understand fully the impact that has on me. I have a best girl for life. I have a girl to protect and raise so that she will become a good woman someday. And, as much as that is a strange thought…because I can’t quite handle the fact that you are turning just four tomorrow. We have got some wonderful memories to make together, us girls. I have a daughter that I will one day pick a wedding dress with, talk over adventures with while staring at beautiful photographs that she has taken and I will see her achieve everything that she sets her mind to in life. Because Ellenah, my sweetheart… you are unstoppable!’
And when you are older, I will turn to you and say, ‘Ellenah, you always have been since you were a little girl!’ – I hope this year has taught you that much about yourself as it has taught me about you.
‘I hope you always see life the way that you do, through innocent eyes, hope and joy… and I insist that whenever you struggle to see yourself for whatever reason, you try and see ‘you’ through my eyes…because then you will always find love for yourself, belief in yourself and you will always be happy. And if all else fails, you will always have me, your mama…. and I will love you, believe in you and be happy with who you are inside, enough for the both of us’
I hope tomorrow is everything that you have been waiting for sweetpea. I hope your fourth birthday is as perfect as you are.
I love you so much, more than words could possibly describe,