I’ve changed a lot in one year. I’ve undone myself completely. I’ve been stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ve pulled courage out of my arse and gumption out of my ears and I’ve had to fight for this version of myself. This woman who wears vulnerability in her eyes but her savage flame of self worth as a crown. I’ve fucking earned it. I didn’t realise a year ago, how unlike me I had become. I had been putting everything into getting by, as life often forces us in to doing. Always putting myself last. Always giving everyone and everything else more value than my own pretty heart. Which I realise now, is actually very pretty. It’s warm and it always searches for goodness in everything. I still don’t know why I didn’t think I mattered that much. I don’t know why as a grown woman, I…

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I’ve been waiting until I had the courage, to dive into a dark place and explain what has happened to me… to then have the strength to leap back out of it and carry on living out my new chapter. I still don’t know how I’m going to do. I feel like I’ve lost my voice. Like writers block, except I’ve almost got too many words to make sense of. Too much to say. Too many feelings. Too much happiness. Too much rage. Too much growth. Too much sadness. Too much fear. Too much freedom. Too much of myself back. Too much fire in my soul. Too many questions. Too much sass to filter any of it. Too many things that I still don’t understand. Too many things that I do…but wish I didn’t some days… perhaps?! My life changed. Suddenly. One minute, my beautiful family and I were skiing…

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Throughout my pregnancy with Dexter, the topic of breastfeeding would always make me feel like a bit of a failure. I would instantly feel emotional when talking about my plans to breastfeed my third baby and when I look back now, I think I had given up before I had even started. I told everyone who would listen that my aim was to breastfeed my baby, for the first year of his life. But, I don’t think that I really believed that I would get any further than two months again… Until I would hear those pained cries, of hunger. I doubted that things would be any different this time. I was adamant that one day, I would stop hearing the sound of my baby gulp to the rhythm of my milk letting down… because as if by magic, it would dry up again. I was already hurt at the…

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Wow! 2017… What a year? I mean, in 2017, we completed our beautiful, crazy team and became a family of five… So it is definitely one of those years that will take some beating. It was a whirlwind though. A real knock you off of your feet, months in a bubble of loveliness, high on life, Holy shizzle kind of whirlwind. It started off feeling difficult. Well actually, the first half of it was really hard. Exhausting. Overwhelming. A struggle. I’m not ashamed to admit that being and feeling constantly sick during my pregnancy, wore me out. I remember the day that I made my pregnancy announcement video. I wanted it to be so beautiful because nothing that I went through affected the love that was growing in my heart for my baby. I felt like the luckiest person in the whole wide world and I couldn’t wait for this…

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Dear Ellenah, on the eve of your sixth birthday, These letters are so much more than simply saying ‘Happy Birthday’ to you. To my best girl in the whole world. This is where I get to reflect on the past year, all of the changing you have done… All of the growing. All that we have been through together. All of the wonderful ways that you have become… You… As the most beautiful, clever, funny, charismatic, almost six year old ever. There are absolutely millions of things that I could say about you from this past year… You have surprised me endlessly and shone so brightly… As you always do. The year that you were five started so subtly, so calmly… I was growing your baby brother, Dexter in my tummy and I didn’t find that the easiest time. Our days were spent getting from A to B, squeezing in…

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