Last night at the dinner table, because school life has been stressful for Noah and emotions have been running high over how quickly I am running out of time with Ellenah, I tried to make everything feel a little bit lighter by announcing a game of ‘Simon Says’ to break the tension.
None of us felt too much like talking but I couldn’t endure the silence that was lingering over us, exposing our thoughts. The pending SATs questions that Noah isn’t sure he can answer, the fear that my son will feel inadequate after trying so hard to raise him knowing his worth and the fear of saying or doing something wrong at a vulnerable time. I’m not one for walking on eggshells… I’m more likely to crunch through them shouting ‘F*ck!’…I’m certainly not good with silence.
So we played as we ate…and it was really funny. We laughed, got things wrong and Ellenah pulled moody, sore loser faces when she got caught out and everything started to feel ‘normal’.
I realised how much I have desperately needed our normal. Our happy normal.
And, the songs that I thought were ‘cool’ as a young one played out from Spotify and we sang along and wriggled in our seats to the beat. And we talked about ‘everything else’ and we talked about the childrens ‘make believe’ and we all started to come back to the family unit that I am so proud of. Like we had come home.
We finally finished eating and ‘Wannabe’ by The Spice Girls started to play. So I did what any self respecting Mother who grew up in the nineties would do and I pretended to be a member of the band, singing every lyric (even the rap) and making up some really epic dance moves. Noah laughed so hard, I thought he might just burst and Ellenah giggled so much that she made snorty noises (which made her laugh even more!)… They thought that I was so funny, a little weird…but funny all the same.
It felt so wonderful to be able to cheer them up and to watch them feel so free.
Isn’t it funny? When you have children and you understand unconditional love in a way that you never imagined possible…the things that you would do to make them happy, feel better and feel good.
Last night, I knowingly flung myself into the centre of their chaos just so it started to make sense to them again. So that we could all come back together. Because that is how we work best. Together is how we are happiest.
Last night, Noah and Ellenah went to bed happy, worry-free and with achy tummies from laughing.
And when they slept, I sneaked back in to their bedrooms to watch them dream, so peacefully. It helped my heart feel better. It reminded me to have the confidence in myself to make sure they know that ‘everything is going to be okay and they are so very loved.
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