one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi

Dear Dexi,

There is so much that I want to say to you, about your first month with me, with your family who love and adore everything about you. I’m so happy to have ‘officially’ met you. I waited for what felt like a lifetime to have you in my arms, to be able to stroke your beautiful face and to kiss you. You will never know what this month has meant to me. You have been everything to all of us. We have fallen over each other, to keep you from crying, to make sure that you are never sad… We have done everything in our power to make you happy, content… and to hopefully make you feel as loved as you truly are.

We have fallen in love with you. Head over heels in love. You have been kissed constantly. Noah wants to hold you all of the time and just the other day, I caught Ellenah telling you that when I’m out of the room, she will be your mother. Daddy coos over you, he’s very proud. And then there is me. I am your actual mother. I gave birth to you in our bathroom and from the moment that you were flung into my arms and I looked into your eyes, I knew that I would do anything to protect you… I knew that I would die for you. Even writing it.. I can feel a surge of emotion rush through me, a feeling too strong for words to describe… It’s an energy, a decision, a promise… and that tells me how much I mean it. I really mean it Dex.

You have grown so much this month. Your face has already changed. It is growing into your features. Your big, blue eyes especially. I could lose myself for days looking into those. They are just like Ellenah’s. And your nose and lips… So much like Noah. At the same time, I see everything Dexter James… a perfect, little human… With a face that takes my breath away. A face full of purity, innocence, goodness and hope. A face that despite the similarities of your siblings, I have never seen before. You are one of a kind. Unique. Different. Special. Please remember this as you grow up. Be proud for exactly those reasons.

I have spent many hours over this month just looking at you. I’ve held you in my arms and out in front of me so that I could get a proper look. I’ve felt you get that little bit heavier, that little longer… I’ve felt the shape of you change. At one month old, it has become harder holding you out in front of me without lifting up your legs to make you fit. The mottled skin that comes with being a newborn baby has disappeared and in its place, it is fair, flawless and ever so soft. In those first days, your limbs were long and gangly and now, there is a little layer of fat that covers you. You look healthy and thriving. You are content and well fed. You love that I feed you myself and so do I. It is our special time throughout each day when we just stop and exist together. It is still, peaceful and kind of wonderful. I find it so beautiful. I hope that I never forget the way that you look up at me while you rest there to feed. You look into my eyes so intensely, like you never want me to go anywhere. In the first days, while you were still small enough to balance on a cushion while latched on… You would hold onto my thumb and little finger with both of your hands. Over the course of this month, you stopped needing to do that as you grew in confidence and the world seemed much less scary.

I’m still holding on to a few things from your first days. Like the way that when you are tired, you ball your hands into fists and pull them up to your chest, both tucked under your chin. And, when you are sleeping, you lay with your arms stretched out above your head. This makes me happy because a lady who was cooing over you in your pram told me that this means you are content and happy… and that is what I desperately want for you in this world.

You are already so loving Dexi. You always want to be cuddled, held, talked and sang to. You don’t like to fall asleep alone and you will not sleep unless I am right there by your side. As you lay beside me in the night, I have woken up to you, just watching me sleep. You haven’t made a sound, you have just watched. Knowing that I am there is all you need. Those are the nights that we lay awake together… Still high from finally being in the world together. And it’s not just you baby boy. I can’t sleep unless you are by my side either. I miss you on the occasions that I have turned over, facing away from you… and after dreaming of sleeping on my stomach again throughout my pregnancy, I still haven’t managed it. Even that feels too far away from you, for right now. Throughout the day, you don’t nap for more than five minutes, you hate the car seat and you’re not that keen on your pram. The sling is a game changer though. If I wear you, you would sleep, tucked up close to my heart, probably all day and you love it when I sing a song called ‘ When I’m with you’ over and over again.

You love being outside. You love watching the wind blow through the trees, the fresh air on your skin… All of the sounds. You loved our camping holiday. You were relaxed, sleepy and calm. The tent life suited you, so did being snuggled in a blanket with me around the camp fire and so did Daddy wearing you around the lake while he fished with your big brother and your big cousin. You didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there… because you were safe, protected and exactly where you wanted to be.

You snore, you kick your legs in excitement, you squeeze sounds from your mouth  and you can officially smile now because you are happy. Ahh, your smile… now that IS special. You don’t give them up too easily and you save them for those who you recognise and love. When you let your smile shine though, it brightens up my life. It is the perfect, beautiful, gummy smile. You don’t only smile with your mouth though, Darling boy, you smile with your eyes too… and that is what I love most about it. You smile with your whole face, with everything you have, from the pit of your stomach.

I almost can’t believe that I’m talking about your smiles though… the things we’ve been up to, what you are like…who you are. How are you already one month old? How have we already got here?

I have truly loved everything about this time with you so far. Even the things that I’m not supposed to like as a new mama. The sleepless nights, feeling exhausted, the poo-explosions, the figuring everything out, like what each cry means… I love it all. I have thrown myself into this new normal, as a mama of three children and you have become a part of our team so perfectly. You fit like a glove, like the missing puzzle piece. We had been waiting for you and you were so worth the wait.

I made a little video for you Dexi, a keepsake of some of the precious moments that I have captured from your first month in this big, wide world. I haven’t been able to watch it back yet without tears building up behind my eyes. It makes me too emotional. I feel such overwhelming love, I feel like it is going to knock me off of my feet. Noah and Ellenah like to watch it too, they get the same tears behind their eyes as I do. We’re a sensitive bunch. They are so proud of you, their baby brother. They are in awe of every single thing that you do and they have loved watching you live all of these moments in real life, with me. I’m looking forward to capturing much and many more. The quirky things that you do, your milestones and all of the cuteness that comes with the territory of being Dexter, the coolest baby around.

I am so glad that you are here with us sweet boy. I’m so happy that you are safe and sound and that you are you. You are absolutely perfect to me, in every way. Thank you for making my heart grow even bigger, for reminding me that hearts are wonderful and that they can always make room. This month has been everything that I hoped it would be and more. I am excited to love you unconditionally, to raise you, to guide you and to be on your side…always.

I love you, so very much,

From, Mama x

 

 

Follow:

When Paternity Leave Ends

Two weeks went by so fast. Today Matt had to return to the real world, the working world. He will be there until 7pm tonight. Our new baby bubble has to change. My family has to settle into a normal life as a family of five.

I don’t know if it is because Dexter is our last baby, our family is now complete and we won’t be doing this again… but I didn’t feel ready today. When we said goodbye to each other this morning, I could feel my eyes sting and the tears threaten to fall down my cheeks. I don’t feel ready to go solo just yet. I’ve been enjoying our time together too much.

It has been bad enough saying goodbye to Noah and Ellenah every morning as they run off to school and in to class for the day and now we have to say goodbye to such a big part of ‘Team Langner’. Matt has been so supportive, so helpful and calming to me and Dex. We are really going to miss having him around .

After having Noah and Ellenah, I craved normality and routine but this time feels so different. I want to stay in the baby blur for as long as I possibly can.

Newborns change and grow just so quickly and up to this point, I have shared every little thing with my partner in crime. We have cooed and watched him sleep. We have bathed him together and laughed as he ruined two rather beautiful, white towels with a poo-nation as soon as we got him out and wrapped him up. We have both wore him around. Both of us watched him feed in amazement. We have fussed over him. We have lifted each others spirits when he screamed out with wind and it was hard to make him feel better. I have watched Matt sing to him, cuddle him closely, talk to him and love him… show me a mother who would want that to stop or change?!

We are both such different parents and people since having our first child at 22 & 23 years old. After the initial few days of trying to figure out new parent life again, we each have re-found our confidence and have both found our stride now. I’m not scared to be with Dex alone. I just wish that Matt had more time with us. Watching them bond has been so incredible to see. From the moment that Dex came in to the world, alert and bright eyed… He knew us both. He locked eyes with me immediately and held on to my dress tightly like he wanted to stay with me forever, safe and happy. But a little while later, once the chaos had settled down, Matt took off his tee and placed Dexter on to his bare chest and after, cradled him in his arms. Dexter looked up at Matt so calmly, so still and relaxed and listened as Matt spoke to him. They stayed that way for a while and as I watched this amazing thing happen in front of my eyes, a moment unfold between a baby boy and his daddy… I didn’t want the night to end. And they have become closer in each day since then. It has been such a beautiful thing to be on the sidelines for.

When Paternity Leave Ends

x

Follow:

Baby Dexter's Birth Day

I am so proud to FINALLY announce the safe arrival of our beautiful baby boy. His name is Dexter James Langner and he was born at 1.55am on Tuesday 4th July (USA’s Independence Day). He weighed a whopping 8lb 9oz and was born in our tiny bathroom, at home. He has been absolutely incredible and a dream come true. Noah and Ellenah absolutely adore him and he has stolen all of our hearts. It is insane how much time you lose just staring at your newborn… but, I wouldn’t class a single second of it as wasted.

I am going to be writing a detailed account of his birth story here on the blog over the next few days… or as soon as I can steal myself away from our newborn bliss for enough time to do it justice. So watch out for that if you enjoy a birth story as much as I do.

Until then, I will leave you with the video of our positive, empowering home birth for Baby Dex. I can’t watch this back without wanting to cry. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. I still have to pinch myself to check that it all really happened. It was just so lovely, so perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

And, Dex is just so wonderful. Worth the wait. Worth the pain. Worth it all x

Follow:

The Last Days Of Pregnancy

Written On Saturday 1st July 2017

I haven’t made it to ‘full term’ of a pregnancy before. Noah arrived in 2009, bright and early in week 36. Ellenah showed up in week 39, a week before Christmas in 2011. This baby boy is not only full term, he is now late. Having to tell people, ‘Nope, he’s still cooking’ when I walk by them with my baby bump in tact and they ask, ‘No baby yet then?’… It’s damn soul destroying.

The Last Days Of Pregnancy

I waddle along now. My body is getting bigger by the day. My slight frame feels like it is buckling under the weight. Struggling with the pressure on my organs. I feel like I’m falling apart in the heatwave of 2017. Pregnancy doesn’t look good on me like it does the other Mama’s. They glow, I sweat. They have thick, swishy hair, mine is shoved in a top knot. They look beautiful in maternity dresses, I look (and feel) like a tent. I don’t feel good. I don’t understand how these days and minutes seem so much longer than any other time in my life. AND, while we’re talking about it… Why is it so hot? Where is the air? Even a gentle breeze on my face as I’m striving forward with mum life would be ever so greatly appreciated. But, there is nothing! No relief. It’s almost as if it’s making my last days of pregnancy harder on purpose. Like I haven’t been through the mill. Like I don’t deserve a little break.

The Last Days Of Pregnancy

I feel selfish every day too. I always start the day with the best intentions. I wake up and tell myself to enjoy being pregnant in these last moments. Enjoy the feeling that I’m growing a life. Enjoy the miracle of pregnancy. But, I can’t lie, It’s hard to keep it up. Everyone looks at you with empathy but mainly pity. My smile fades as the hours tick past, and goes with it the hope that today will be the day. The day that I will finally get to hold him, look in to his eyes and tell him that I love him and to start raising him. I need that day. 9 months is too long to wait, especially when it hasn’t been an easy slog.

The Last Days Of Pregnancy

Of course, I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change a thing because he is going to be so loved when he is here. He is so loved already, I sometimes wonder if it is actually possible to love him more. The hard parts and the waiting will soon feel like a distant memory. But, I need him here…soon.

The Last Days Of Pregnancy

As I was saying, I’m selfish. I know it and it is awful to know that I can carry such an ugly trait around with me during such a special life event. I feel like no matter how hard I try though, I can’t find my balance. No amount of telling myself off penetrates the barrier around my voice of reason. My job is to give my son a bedroom, his first home… for however long he needs and wants it. Why can’t I manage to simply get over myself?

The Last Days Of Pregnancy

I know that I am being this inpatient from a good place. From excitement. From all of the love that has been building for the past 9 months… and beyond at the mere thought of having another child. I feel like the love is going to burst out of my body at any moment, bold and unwilling to be kept inside, waiting. My heart loves him NOW!

Of course, I can’t bring myself to hate these last days of pregnancy. I can’t hate the way that our bond grows every day. I can’t hate that for right now, it is just the two of us doing this incredibly special thing, unique to my baby and me. I can’t hate that he is using my body as a place to grow and develop. I can’t hate it that my body is keeping him healthy and safe.

I just can’t wait to meet him, that’s all x

Follow:

To my beautiful boy, Noah – On the Eve of your eighth birthday

As Noah Turns Eight

These letters are becoming harder to write each year, without breaking apart. Some people say that you are most emotional as a mother, when your children are babies and the moments fly by so quickly. I find each year that you turn a new age much harder. Back when you were a baby, you needed me for everything. I was the centre of your whole world. You didn’t question me. You didn’t question yourself. You didn’t need much else, other than me and my time. The older you get and with each birthday, I can see the look in your eyes… that need for more. You want more freedom. You want to experience more. You crave life and you want to explore all of the things that you are capable of, all of the things that you can do. You are trying so hard to establish your independence… You need me much less.

As Noah Turns Eight

I know that you still need me. As always, you will cuddle me and show me affection, every single day. I really am lucky for that and for you. You are and I don’t doubt always will be a loving little boy, a lovely human. But in this past year, I have noticed that when I say goodbye to you at the school gates, you have started to run ahead, happy to wave a goodbye but will gently avoid a kiss goodbye in front of your friends. This past year, you decided to ditch your book bag with the school emblem on it, opting for a backpack which you tell me is much cooler. You’ve started to use wax in your hair some days and you care about which clothes you wear too. You know how to fix a puncture and you’ve recently learned how to cook an egg on a cooker made out of baked bean tins.

As Noah Turns Eight

You are not a baby anymore, are you? You don’t tend to play the role for my benefit anymore. You are growing up fast. You are changing in front of my eyes.

I often reach out to hold your hand as we walk together, wanting to swing your arms with mine like we used to when you were tiny. Every now and again, you will let me…but you don’t stay there for very long before you get itchy feet and feel that need to run or walk ahead. I watch you as you go, making up games, using your imagination. And I do love it. I love watching you have fun… it makes my heart and soul very happy.

As Noah Turns Eight

Last weekend, we went to a summer fair at your cousin’s school. I saw you watch your bigger cousin, running around with his friends, being that bit older than you. I could see that you were jealous. I could see that you wanted to go with him. I could tell you thought he was having a lot more fun, than you. I kept you close to me, not to stray far away at all. My heart panicked if you had fallen just steps behind and I couldn’t see you. I’m struggling to let you go at all. Struggling to let you grow up. I tried so hard to keep you… to almost tell you that you were having more fun walking around with me and your little sister. But you weren’t, were you? I could see that look in your eyes and I made myself be brave. I was shaking as I said it… but I told you that you could go off with your cousin but you had to stay with him at all times. I knew that everywhere you went in the school grounds, I could see you… watch you. It still felt difficult to let you be away from me though. When I said it, your eyes grew wide… you couldn’t even believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. You are so used to me being cautious, over-protective… possibly a bit of a control freak and an advocate of organised fun. You smiled at me like you never have before…and off you ran. I didn’t have to tell you twice. I did watch you though Noah. I didn’t take my eyes off of you. It was weird seeing you out of arms reach, laughing and being perfectly fine without me. So endearing though. This was you. This was how you socialised. This was you responding to other children, away from my watchful eye…or so you thought (baby steps, okay?)… And, you were absolutely fine. Sensible, free  and so happy.

I am trying Noah, to change alongside you. To keep up. This will never be an easy part of being your mama, please know that. Please accept that about me and understand, it is because I love you so very much. Protecting you, nurturing you… these are the things that I understand most about raising you. Everything else feels like scary territory. Like you once did, I have to learn to crawl before I can walk and walk before I can run.

As Noah Turns Eight

We are absolute best friends beautiful boy… but I am your mama first. That is a role that comes with a fierce maternal instinct to keep you safe, do what is best for you always and to love you unconditionally. The year ahead of us is going to push and pull me so far out of my comfort zone, it’s going to leave me dizzy. BUT, we will challenge the balance and all of the madness that comes with you growing up and getting older…and we will do it together.

As Noah Turns Eight

Tomorrow, you are going to be eight years old, I just cant believe it. It only feels like five minutes ago that I was writing the first one of these letters. I was gushing about how you had learned to pretend sneeze…and it was just one of the adorable things that came with having a one year old. That was a long time ago now. So much has changed since then. You have changed. I have changed. One thing that never changes though, is how much my heart expands each year, How much my love for you grows with it and how proud of you I am. You surprise me constantly with your charm, wit and spirit and you make me smile every single day. You really are my sunshine and you always will be.

As Noah Turns Eight

Happy 8th Birthday for tomorrow Noah, I hope your day is as special as you are.

I love you, more and most,

From Mama x x x

 

Follow: