A Fresh Start

So as I sit here, tapping away, I’m in a daze over the ‘Going Away To University’ party that we threw for my niece on Saturday night, the night out to The Ballet to watch ‘Romeo and Juliet’ on Tuesday and because I am sick with a cold. I feel happy, excited, inspired and awful, all at the same time. And it is atrociously and disgustingly amazing. So much has been going on lately that I almost failed at my first hurdle, to write this post and to commit to my blog and YouTube channels, once and for all. I almost failed… but I didn’t.

I didn’t because I have found the importance of my place on the internet, once again. I hold my hands up and have realised that at this point in my life, I need it the most. It wasn’t exactly here, as I have dabbled in the world of blogging and social media for a couple of years now, but my very first blog was where I started to find myself again, after having two children. I will always be forever thankful for the courage that the world allowed me in those moments that it took to write my first post. An introduction. One where I admitted to the world that I was lost, unrecognisable as the girl who once was. One where I declared love for my family but in the same breath asked if it was okay to love myself too. One where my hands shook as I hit ‘publish’ and in that moment my world changed forever.

I loved that first blog. It was everything that I needed. It was simple. It was freedom. It was courage. It was me, in a chapter. It was a mess but it was fitting.

And now I’m in a new one and I get to start again.

I’m not lost anymore. I’ve never felt more like myself. More alive and more free. I’ve never felt more confidant to say exactly what I want. I’ve never felt more open, honest and happy to just throw down and say, ‘Yep! This is my life, the the way that I live it, the things that I like to eat, wear and buy… This is exactly what I think, care about and strive for!’

And to make absolutely no apologies for it, for being exactly who I am.

Of course, my little space here will always be kind, warm and welcoming…because I like to think that I am. Sometimes it may be too emotional for you, too happy, too excitable… but I can’t help that. That is a big part of who I have always been…And I can’t see that changing. And… I think that is okay.

This tiny space in the big wide web gets to look after my shiny, new chapter. It will see the most special moments with my precious family and it will keep hold of my happy normal. It will remember our adventures for us and mine alone, for me. It will be my mirror in many ways, my diary in others and in my heart, completely.

And this makes me pleased to say that there will be new blog posts here every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at 6.30am (UK time), from now on. This is ‘at the least’. Some weeks I may want to write every day. Sometimes I may want to pop my videos here. I may want to share a photograph that I like. These will all be additional things, away from my ‘promise’ to you and to myself.

I will also be looking to start ‘Our Weekend’ vlogs, which will go live on ‘The Sweetest Life’ YouTube Channel on a Monday at 6.30am. Also on this channel, I will be putting a video up every Sunday at 6.30am. These video’s will explore my passions a little further such as travel, home, beauty and style to name a few.

I will then be putting up a third video on my ‘Ria Langner’ YouTube Channel’ (which complements being a Channel Mum Sponsored Vlogger) on Wednesday at 6.30am. These video’s will cover anything parenting and motherhood. From ‘How To’s, day in the life’s, product reviews and rambles about my personal experience as a mama.

Again, these are my goals as a minimum. You can’t and shouldn’t limit creativity after all.

This is going to be amazing, I can feel it.

With Love, Ria x

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Sometimes things happen that stop you in your tracks, right? Sometimes things happen that make you feel a little unsteady, forced to prioritise and a little like you are just about keeping your head above water. Well… As you may know, lately I have been on the verge of a New Chapter. Ellenah has started school and as amazing as it has been for us both to search Pinterest each night so that she can choose next days hair and to constantly take photographs of her in the morning before she trots off happily…Normal hasn’t yet started! All of the extracurricular clubs have started back up which have kept us busy but Els is still not in school full time. This week she is staying a little longer and her cute, little Disney Princess lunch bag goes with her each morning. As of right now, I still get to keep hold of her in the afternoons to play together. This does mean though, I have had to change my shift pattern to complement her settling period in school and because I don’t like to write and create too much when she is around (because this time together will run out in a few days and I want to make the most of her)… I haven’t been able to sit here, at my desk with a brew (and by that I mean the coldest beverage I can find as I write this in the 31 degrees heat…In Autumn??) to write and to give myself to anything that isn’t my children at this time.

I’m currently trying to focus on creating a new back to school routine that works for us. Like many Mama’s, I have to find a way to make sure that homework is done, we have read together enough and they are attending their clubs…all of this as well as ensuring that they are enjoying their childhood. Always in the back of my mind, i’m reminding myself that this is their time. My main priority is to help them shine in all that they want to do and achieve… and shine with happiness from their beautiful little souls.

That is how I envisioned motherhood. That is what I strive for. They will always come first!

Next week, it will all change once again. Ellenah will be in school full time with Noah and my work pattern will balance out. In my spare time, I will be (as I’ve said before) embarking on a new chapter and in that time I will be focussed on giving my little blog the time and  attention that it deserves. I will also be looking to create better video content for my YouTube Channels – The Sweetest Life & Ria Langner (Which runs alongside Channel Mum). For the kind of person that I am, it takes great courage for me to hold my hands up and say ‘I can’t do this right now, well I can but not well!’ and it takes great courage to remind myself that I am one human, doing all I can and trying to make it work in a way that my children are blissfully unaware because they have everything that they need from me’.

Next week, let’s meet here again, shall we? Next week I will have a plan to share with you, a new lease of life. Next week I will be able to tell you which days I will post new blog posts and video’s, so that we all know where we stand. Would that be okay? It will be here at 6.30am on Thursday 22nd September.

For now, I will be enjoying the rest of the time that I get with my sweetheart and I will be pouring time and energy in to Noah who is now in year three, key stage two… A big deal! So far we have made a turtle (Els), read a lot about planet Earth (Noah), practiced how to write ‘M M M M M M M’ (Els) and revised number ordering (Noah)… As well as reading a lot of lovely stories together. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I love watching them create things, learn things and have a sense of achievement… It’s just amazing! I love that they let me be such a big part of it all.

A New Lease Of Life

See you back here next week? In the meantime, leave any questions, comments, blog or video requests below and catch me on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram, I will try and keep things lively over there when I can.

Big Love, Ria x

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A New Chapter

They say that ‘sometimes…the things that we can’t change, end up changing us!’

In just a day, I have gone from riding on the back of someone else’s new chapter, holding on for dear life, to being fiercely thrust into my own. I innocently thought that I was preparing Noah to return to school, to work hard in year three and to look out for his little sister who would be starting school with him, for the first time. I put my energy into getting them there yesterday morning, on time and with everything they needed. I used my strength, needed it desperately so that I wouldn’t fall apart. I was determined not to cry in front of her… I didn’t want her to think that she needed to stay with me. I did sob… but I waited until she was happy playing. I waited until she didn’t look for me anymore. It didn’t take very long. She was okay… She was busy starting that chapter which I mentioned before.

And as I walked away from her, I felt lost in myself somewhere. Words weren’t making much sense and I was half way home before I realised that I was walking anywhere.

It took me that long to realise that I had been stranded at the start of my own ‘new direction’. Left to sink or swim. I haven’t been by myself in a really long time. Not for a substantial amount of time. Not like I will now.

And last night I sat…I pondered what I would do with it! The spare time? I considered what it would do to me.

Would it change my mind about how insanely I hope that we will be blessed with a third child? Will I take up baking, knitting? Will I learn a new language? Will I grow to like it? Will I remain lost? Will I grow roots in my local Costa while writing that book that I have dreamt of having published? Will I read more, create more? Will I simply count down the seconds until my favourite people in the world come home to me, their mama?

Will I become obsessed with adult colouring books?

Will I fall in love with running again?

Will I say yes to more opportunities, more invites?

Will I spend my time missing my children and wondering what they are up to?

Will I eat too much brie and cherry tomatoes?

Will I take up painting?

Will I walk for hours because I have nothing better to do?

Will I be okay?

I have to be don’t I? I want to be! I have to fall in love with this next chapter. My new chapter. I have to enjoy it because I want the children to enjoy theirs and they learn from how I live life. I want us to come back together, around the dinner table and talk about the awesome things that have happened in our happy days. And…It just makes sense to me that life is better when you are smiling, laughing.

Life is better when you are achieving, pushing yourself, getting closer to your dreams coming true and closer to reaching your goals. Life is no joke!

My new chapter will be exactly what I make it. I have to let it change me, for all of the good that it can do.

It could make me a better mother, more patient, more organised, more fun. I think that I’m a good mum now. I’m kind, caring…warm. We have a lot of fun, a lot of laughs…but it could be even better if I let it. If I strive for it. If I make the best of ‘this’. Couldn’t it?

Is it okay that my new chapter doesn’t sound so bad now? Is it okay that It will be nice to tell my children about it?

It could teach them so much, don’t you think? About how we have to keep moving forward, how we have to stay flexible because the world is always changing and we have to be able to adapt, find the good. Take a sad song and make it better?

About how we have to choose happiness and enjoy each day as much as possible. About how we all should endeavour to find the good in everything, everyone…ourselves?

About how we should try our hardest not to waste days, even the seconds. Time can be a beast but we can’t let it go to waste.

About how we mustn’t regret and we mustn’t dwell.

I think so….

I also think that this could be something wonderful for me…and of course my lovely littles… and man.

What do you think? What would you do with a chapter like this one?

Love, Ria x

 

 

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The Feral Children

I want to remember you like this. When I’m an old lady and I’m looking up our memories in photograph’s. I want to see how the wind blew your hair in the breeze but you stood firm, strong. I want to see that I tried to dress you nicely but your knees were grass stained and perhaps a little scuffed. I don’t want to see you smiling primly in every photo, I want to see your laugh. I want to see those faces that you make when you are deep in thought, pulling together your next batch of questions. I want to see you find yourself throughout your years. I want to see that you understand what the meaning of ‘human’ is.

Some people will think of the word ‘feral’ in such a bad way, but I can’t.

I grew up on a farm and as my mum worked with many other mums, picking fruit for the day in their rows… I went off to explore, play, climb, build camps and when I felt hungry, I ate wild fruit from the bush or tree. My siblings and I never really looked, well, clean. Of course, we were. We were scrubbed spotless and our clothes would be washed to try and rid of any strawberry stains on the knees. We just didn’t stay that way for long. Come the next day, we were too busy having fun, finding ourselves and figuring out the world that we knew.

That world wasn’t so scary as it is now. It’s not the same. It can’t be. And all I want is for you both to feel how I felt as I bolted through the trees, bright blonde hair shining in the sunshine, without a care in the world and feeling as free as a bird.

So sometimes I let you. Sometimes we run as fast as our legs will carry us, shout as loud as we can, sing our happiest songs, pick wild fruit and eat it, get down in the mud to see what we can collect, build camps, climb trees…And it’s very rare that you look neat.

It surprises me how much people stare!

The Feral Children

And I know other mums might not like it. I know other mums may stare and tut as we pick and eat blackberries along the roadside on our way home. They judge you when you run fast at the park. They don’t realise that you don’t have problems. You don’t have any disorders or behavioural issues…. You are just energised and happy. And. That. Is. All. Other mums find you too bold when you join in with their children’s games and you have the confidence to introduce yourself and have ideas. You just want to make friends. You just want to play together. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t sensitive, gentle, kind and sweet.

I know they think that you are a little wild; feral…Like they used to think about me. But that’s okay. I’m proud of the person I am at thirty (almost) thirty years old and I’m already proud of who you both are, so we’re doing okay.

This version of the world is so full of worry and sometimes it feels like all I do is teach you how to retreat, keep yourself safe and to ‘be alone’. The world is so busy teaching us how to be afraid of everything and each other…but I don’t want you to be alone. We aren’t meant to be alone. The world is too lovely. I just beg that you both always try and keep your eyes open, to see past the fear…and you will see what I used to.

The Feral Children

Of course I want to keep you safe. You are my most favourite people in the world. You are my world. And, if I try and define how much I love you both from my whole heart and the pit of my stomach…There will be no words. It is likely to come out as a tear, a laugh and a smile like you have never seen before. You both leave me speechless, that is what the overwhelming love that comes with being your mama, does to me.

Remember when I said that I want you to understand the word ‘human? You can only do that if you have the opportunity to feel everything that you are meant to. You are meant to feel freedom. Feel love, disappointment, anxiety, fear…hurt! From scraping your knee to having your heart broken, as much as that will hurt me too… These things will help you grow up with an understanding of your emotions and other people’s. Human. It’s what we all are. Despite where we are from, the colour of our skin, how we grew up…none of us better or more worthy than the next person. The beautiful world that I talk to you about… There is room in it for us all. We can make room.

Noah and Ellenah, The world is incredible…but it’s not perfect. So, you certainly don’t have to be. You don’t have to look flawless. You don’t have to be shy. You don’t have to be aware of how others may see you. You don’t have to care about judgement. You don’t have to be afraid to ask questions. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO BE YOU.

And if that is a little ‘feral’… I’m okay with that. Perfectly okay with it.

Love, Mama x

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Happy Campers

The summer holidays started in the best way for my little family and me. As you grow up and older, knowing what makes you happy is so important, as is keeping things simple and smiling as often as you can. I don’t mean the kind of smile that is meant for anyone else’s benefit. I mean the smile that grows on your face because you are smiling from within. And I don’t mean the happiness that you are told to feel, I mean the kind of happiness that comes from knowing yourself, knowing what you like and endeavouring to always have it.

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

When we bundled in to the car with our battered, outdoorsy clothes and very minimal other things for a few days away, I couldn’t wait to get on the road and make our way to our happy place. The place with the white cliffs that overlook the sea. The place where you can fall asleep around the fire, that crackles from the wood that you found for yourself. The place that when you look up into the sky in the black of night, you can actually see the stars. The stars that go on for days and mesmerise you.

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

The place that isn’t glamorous, it isn’t exotic or in any way luxurious…but it is where we fit! It is where we are happy, truly happy. It is where we are away from the strains of routine, away from the lives that we are conditioned to lead and away from all of the ‘busy’ that sometimes conceals what is most important.

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

‘Tent Life’ isn’t going to be for everyone and back in my early twenties, before I became a mother… It wouldn’t have been on my radar at all. I was busy bouncing around different countries and places during annual leave. My passport, suitcase and best clothes were my favourite things. The life I lead now, my reality… It is so different from life back then. I’m not saying that I never want to step on a plane again, I do! I want to see as much of the world as possible, I want to show it to my children. I’m just saying, I’m glad that I am someone we are a family who can find peace, excitement and joy in being outside. We can find the humour in showering under droplets of cold water, hair lathered and standing in the cold, waiting for the water to come back to our cubicle. We can feel true delight in the high pitched whistle of the kettle, once it has boiled after about twenty minutes (way longer in stronger wind)…This means it’s time for our morning brew. Up to half an hour to make and three seconds to drink so it doesn’t get cold. We can feel good about sharing our bedroom with a variety of insects, even seeing the opportunity to whip out my nephews new microscope to take a better look at the ones we didn’t recognise. We can feel right at home in our tent, we can sleep well and we always feel sad to go back home, to the ‘real life’ one.

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

I know that I’m probably not selling it to you and I’m not sure that I’m trying to if I’m honest. I’m just sharing something special, something responsible for many happy memories, many smiley faces and a freedom for my children that this scary world doesn’t always allow them.

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Happy Campers

Camping is what it says on the tin. Especially where we go. It is basic. But… what more do you need when you are spending time, quality time with the people that you love. You are not ruled by the ticking of a clock. You are not a slave to technology. You don’t have to tell your children to ‘wait!’ because, well, for what? They have you, in the moment, in the now…They have everything that they need. Your time, fresh air, space to run and to breathe and to laugh…To hop and skip if they want.

Camping might not be for you…but believe me, your fingernails might get dirty… your mind, your soul and your spirit however, will feel nothing but clean.

Love, Ria x

Happy Campers

 

 

 

 

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