It has been two days since I found out that I am pregnant and keeping it a secret is already so hard. I am truly feeling the struggle to keep this amazing thing to myself. This amazing, wonderful, incredible thing! I still can’t believe it! I can’t believe that I am being blessed like this. I can’t believe that this is my life for the next nine months. I get to protect this little soul with everything that I am and I get to watch and feel it grow, into a beautiful little human who will be so loved by us all… His or her family. I can’t believe that I have to keep this a secret from my family and close friends until around twelve weeks. I just want to make sure that everything is okay first. If I’m honest, I’m a little afraid this time around. Matt and…

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It’s currently 09:53am on Saturday the 22nd of October 2016. I’m sat in the living room with Noah and Ellenah and we are still on our pyjamas. I haven’t opened the curtains yet. The blinds are well and truly closed. I can see the blinding sunlight beaming through the gaps and it looks like it is going to be a beautiful Autumn day. Probably a little crisp but warm from the gorgeous sunshine. I’m not ready to let the daylight in yet. I’m not ready to feel exposed to anything outside the walls of our home. The walls protecting the secret from last night. Last night when weeks late for my period, I shut myself in the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I wasn’t hopeful, I was certain that the test would be negative. I felt a little angered that I had to take another one to be told…

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It isn’t an easy decision to make. To decide whether or not to extend your already lovely little family by one more. Some could call you crazy for even thinking about it when your children are seven and (almost) five years old. Some would think you were mad for wanting to go back to square one, to start all over again. Some would ask you why you would want to go back to the sleepless nights, dirty nappies and sore nipples. I understand that it doesn’t sound that glamorous and I would probably find it harder now, now I am a little older and a little more used to an easier way of life. But it just doesn’t make sense to me to not have another little human in our family, to love. It isn’t for a number, an ideal goal… but because Matt and I love raising our children.…

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One of the Channel Mum topics this month was to talk about Baby Names. Why we named our children what we did, the reasoning behind them and maybe any other names that we may like. And this is a topic which I was very excited about. Matt and I love the idea of another baby, one day. We can but hope that we will be blessed with a third little cherub to add to ‘Team Langner’- that is something that we know, something that we both agree on. Names however, well… that is a completely different story. During both of my pregnancies, I would search for hours on end for the perfect names to send our children out in to the world with. And… One by one, Matt would obliterate them all… Then offer up the most ridiculous joke names that he could think up. He thought he was funny.…

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I anxiously sat on the wall outside of the doctors surgery, my head hung low and my legs swayed over the edge. Passers by looked up at me. They looked up at this grown woman with her hair shoved in to two braids, wearing her beloved off-white, incredibly scuffed converses and a small, brown backpack from Primark (where da kidz get their clothes)… I think she selected such a style because she didn’t have the strength to deal with this shit, almost as if she was mirroring somebody she used to be, a long time ago…before she had a care in the world. Honestly, I felt them look at me with pity in their eyes, almost with a little sadness. It made sense…because I felt sad and I obviously looked it. I had a ping of panic in my chest when I caught their glances… Like…Did they know that I…

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