The days that I gave birth to all three of my children, gave me the three best stories that I will ever tell. My three favourite stories of all time and all three, so different from each other… Just like my babies. In the throws of labour, the adrenaline, the pain, the intensity, the excitement and the fear, I think every mother wonders how any woman can forget a single second of it. You swear that you will never forget how much it hurts your body, how it takes everything that you have got, to get through it. You don’t understand how other people tell you that you will soon forget it once you have your baby in your arms. You think that they must be mad.

I’ve forgotten already!

Not everything of course but the reality of having Dexter in my life now has made every second of birthing him somewhat irrelevant. Since he was born, I have fallen in love again and have been completely swept away… and it feels like my memory of the pain and self-doubt was too.

I was exactly 41 weeks pregnant on the day that I gave birth to my baby boy, my baby number three. It had been a long, hard, nine month slog. I had a hard time of things. I suffered most days of it and as much as I tried not to complain… most days involved some kind of tears, me thinking unkind things about myself or sitting on the bathroom floor, back against the door, deep breaths, lips quivering, head in hands and trying to pluck the strength from deep down to get me through the days, weeks and months to follow. The hard parts of giving birth will fade more and more over time. The hard parts of being pregnant, I will remember forever. In the end, the only thing that was keeping me going and smiling through it, was love. Raw, unconditional, overwhelming love, for the little life that I was growing in my body. My baby boy who I knew that I would do anything for. Who I would give my life for.

Anyway… rewind a day. It was Monday, 3rd July 2017 and I was 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I was also beyond fed up. Being overdue by even one day was bad enough, I don’t know how some women cope with anything up to 2 weeks over. It wasn’t my lightest time in terms of my emotions. However, I had refused intervention by the way of a membrane sweep to start my labour off…purely due to my ideals of a natural pregnancy, labour and delivery and because I am ever so stubborn. I had no control over so many things during my pregnancy, the hyperemesis Gravidarum and Pelvic Girdle pain being the main culprits, I was desperate to have the birth the way that I wanted. I have had two children before Dexter and both were natural births without a shred of pain relief… I wanted to do it again and so I refused any interference and carried on.

After having some particularly aggressive but unconvincing braxton hicks the night before, in to the early hours… by the time I had woken up that day, they had stopped. Out of nowhere, I had a new lease of life, a real energy burst. So, I took the opportunity to arrange a hike in our local woods with my brother to see if I could naturally give this labour a little shove in the right direction. As I say, I was feeling fed up and ready to meet my baby by this point so was getting a little desperate. I had a close family friend on stand-by, just in-case anything happened while out walking and I needed to be shoved into a car quickly.

We walked for ages and not slowly either. There were plenty of hills and I worked up a sweat. Eventually, I went home to freshen up before I went on the school run. I’m not going to lie… I was very disappointed that nothing was happening. By the time I walked to collect Noah and Ellenah from school, my pace had slowed down and my head was hanging low too. It didn’t help my mood when I met them both from their class and they looked sad that I was still pregnant. We were all ready to meet our final puzzle piece to our family.

As we walked home, my pace started to slow even more and not by choice. It felt like something had taken over me, was protecting me… or when I look back, was preparing my body for what it was soon to endure. Ellenah needed the toilet so needed me to hurry but I couldn’t pick up speed. I had to truly concentrate to put one foot in front of the other and my pelvis felt like it had turned to a really painful jelly…almost like from my pelvis down, I wasn’t attached together properly. It was peculiar. I had never felt so happy to put the key in the door as we reached home and once inside, I basically fell onto the sofa and that was where I wanted to stay.

At around 5pm, I felt my waters break and so did a smile, across my entire face. It was finally time…

With this, I ran upstairs to clean myself up as best as I could and then I called Matt to get him to come home. I explained what was happening to the children and took a shower… At this point, I was in absolutely no pain. Matt arrived home shortly and because I was booked in for a home birth, we made the decision to call the hospital to have a midwife sent out to examine me. Between the time we made the phone call and the first midwife arriving, the reality of my home birth was sinking in. Of course, I was a bag of nerves mixed in with pure excitement, but for the first time in my whole pregnancy, I felt such a stillness and a true sense of calm and I was taking myself to a different place in my head… so that I could get through the next stages. I busied myself before she arrived, preparing my living room for my birth. I made sure that I had enough towels, shower curtains, buckets…everything down to the right music and right lighting. We gave the children dinner and they waited with me in anticipation for the midwife to come.

Hers was a fleeting visit. She checked my vitals and respected my decision not to be examined. She was confident, due to the sheer volume of fluid that I was losing and had already lost, that my waters had broken and so advised me to eat and try to get some rest in preparation for the big event. As I was still in no pain, she went on her merry way and off shift, after giving me the information that I would need for when things started to happen.

So, once we had said our goodbye’s and her, some ‘good luck’s’, we said goodnight to Noah and Ellenah, who went to sleep quickly, tucked up in their bunk beds. I ate and put my feet up for a while…and waited. I kept the lights dimply lit and continued to get myself in the right headspace to handle labour head on. I spent some time saying goodbye to my bump, my pregnant belly. I stroked it and tried to get in tune with my body so that I could let it do what it is naturally meant to. I wish that I could tell you how I do that because three babies on, it has helped me every single time. I have never read up on hypnobirthing…The most that I did in preparation like that was listen to relaxing music on spotify. If I’m honest, all that ever made me do is think about what needs to go on my shopping list and what is going on in the months ahead that I need to remember. I’m not sure that is how you are meant to use it…

Anyway, just before 10pm, five hours after my waters had broken, my hand protectively and forcefully gripped onto my lower abdomen as I felt my first intense contraction. Again, that smile broke across my face. I just remember thinking that I was one step closer…and that it hurt so much! It lasted around fifty seconds and it made me hold my breath and my eyes water. I knew that with the next one, I had to handle it better… I had to breathe and push the pain away. And so, I waited for the next one to arrive…

I wasn’t waiting long, just less than 3 minutes actually and the contraction lasted over a minute. A pattern in my contractions appeared immediately. Every 2 and half to 3 minutes for between 57 seconds to 1 minute and 27 seconds. Each and every pain feeling much harder than the last. We called the midwife after my eleventh contraction and she told us that she was on her way.

While we waited for her to arrive, with my arms and head resting on my birthing ball, I rocked and continued to physically push the pain away with my hands. I was desperately trying to stay active, to keep my pelvis moving. I was desperate to have my baby in our home. Desperate for Noah and Ellenah to wake up in the morning, to come in to our bedroom and to find him fast asleep. So, between every contraction, I continued to move…knowing in the back of my mind that I had been previously advised to consider a cesarian section due to SPD and then after seeking a second opinion from a midwife with alternative views, I had chosen to trust her and my body and stay as far away from any hospital as I could. Now was the time that I had to know my body more that ever, give it everything that I could and to not let the fear penetrate my focus.

The midwife soon knocked at the door and came through to our dimly lit living room with the sound of Billy Joel’s music playing gently. It was very quiet. She spoke calmly, softly and confidently about how this was going to go. She let me lead the way with my vision and birth plan. She reminded me that she had gas and air in the car if I was to need it. I remember shaking my head as I threw off another contraction with gritted teeth.

It really was very quiet. Kind of beautiful.

I was hot. It was exhausting. Matt kept bringing me water which I refused often. I was so focussed and even taking a sip of water felt like it was interrupting my flow. I didn’t want to stop. I remember that it was hard and I was fighting my way to the end. Constantly reminding myself that this was my last hurdle, just breathe, push away the pain, keep moving…Keep on keeping on!!

Matt was with me every step of the way. He rubbed my back, encouraged me when I was struggling to keep going and let me squeeze his hands as hard as I could. He helped me to move around, knowing that my broken body wasn’t allowing me to do it for myself. He held me up, kissed me and told me that I was doing well. I remember looking into his eyes and thinking to myself that I had to tell him how much I loved him in that moment… Once I had the energy, when this was over… I would! It felt like it was just him and me in the room. Him, me and the promise of our new life as a family of five.

As things became more intense and it was harder and harder to push away the pain, the second midwife arrived.

I remember saying to Matt that I didn’t think that I was doing very well, after I had been pushing down for some time. I remember telling the three of them that something was wrong. The sensation when I pushed… It was different, like it wasn’t doing anything at all, like baby boy was stuck. It wasn’t that I wasn’t pushing. I was pushing for my life. Pushing so hard that I felt like I could burst. I started to get very frustrated with everyone and myself. I felt like I wasn’t communicating well enough and I felt like I wasn’t being heard in the right way at all. So, I asked Matt to help me upstairs to the toilet. I wasn’t sure if I actually needed to go more than I needed a little bit of time by myself. I’ll be honest, I quite liked sitting there. It was comfortable and supportive to my tired body. Something about it just made sense.

Eventually, I went back downstairs to try again at the pushing and so that I could have baby listened to and all of my vitals checked for the hundredth time…Just to make sure that we were both happy still. We were but I didn’t stay downstairs for long. I could feel that I was close to the end as I manouvered heavily and clumsily between positions. Instinct took over eventually and the next thing I know, I was half crawling up the stairs, half pulling myself up by my arms. I think I knew deep down that at that point, I wasn’t coming back downstairs without my baby.

Once I was in the bathroom, in the early hours of Tuesday morning, I was examined for the first time.

I was definitely right to be pushing…but to the midwife’s surprise, due to how much fluid I had visibly lost and was continuing to lose, a second, bulging amniotic sac was completely blocking him from progressing any further.

I knew it. I knew in my heart that something wasn’t working right.

Medically there a few reasons why a second amniotic sac was present with only one baby. It is likely that for me, the cause is due to my hind waters developing a leak at 37 weeks but closing up again. But… nobody really knows!

Anyway… everything suddenly made sense to me and the midwives. With the next contraction, the midwife gave the sac a shove to the side to try and help baby boy out. And with that, my waters… the last ones, burst… and flooded the floor of my tiny bathroom.

From that moment, everything felt so intense. My body took over completely and I had no time to think. The contractions were amped up and my body was shaking. Matt was physically holding me up. He held onto me as I screamed through the ultimate pain of birthing my baby boy’s head. He held on to me as I panted and waited for his body to follow. He held on to me, lifting my fragile body, keeping me on my feet in the moments that our son came into the world and was handed to me. Our beautiful boy, with the big, alert eyes… heavy on my chest as his wrinkly hands with long, skinny fingers gripped on to the neck line of my night dress. My beautiful boy who I had fallen in love with in an instant.

I don’t remember how I was lowered down on to the toilet seat, how my feet were deep in blood and fluid or even too much of Matt cutting the cord like the proud Papa that he is. I only remember it because it was so tight and had to be done quickly. I delivered my placenta in to the toilet and it was trying to pull my baby in there with it. I vividly remember holding our new life tightly, sobbing and smiling… telling him that he would be so loved and that he is going to have the happiest life. I remember our eyes locking and staring at each other for what felt like an eternity. I know that I could have stayed there, in that moment forever.

Dexter James was born on Tuesday the 4th of July 2017 at 1.55am. He was born on USA’s Independence Day. He was and is still, so beautiful. So perfect. A dream come true. Everything that I imagined he would be. Just as I thought he would look. The missing puzzle piece of The Sweetest Life family. Our final team member. The youngest in our gang. He is pure, innocent, wonderful and we are all so in love with him.

I can’t believe that this is my life now and I am a mama to three beautiful humans. I feel so lucky that I get to love them every day and to bring them up. To raise them to have kind, open hearts, adventure in their veins and to love our beautiful world and the people in it.

On Dexter’s Birth Day, a new life started for us. A new chapter, a new journey… new adventures. I am so excited for everything to come, for all of the wonderful times ahead of us… as a family of five.

With Love,

Ria x

 

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one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi

Dear Dexi,

There is so much that I want to say to you, about your first month with me, with your family who love and adore everything about you. I’m so happy to have ‘officially’ met you. I waited for what felt like a lifetime to have you in my arms, to be able to stroke your beautiful face and to kiss you. You will never know what this month has meant to me. You have been everything to all of us. We have fallen over each other, to keep you from crying, to make sure that you are never sad… We have done everything in our power to make you happy, content… and to hopefully make you feel as loved as you truly are.

We have fallen in love with you. Head over heels in love. You have been kissed constantly. Noah wants to hold you all of the time and just the other day, I caught Ellenah telling you that when I’m out of the room, she will be your mother. Daddy coos over you, he’s very proud. And then there is me. I am your actual mother. I gave birth to you in our bathroom and from the moment that you were flung into my arms and I looked into your eyes, I knew that I would do anything to protect you… I knew that I would die for you. Even writing it.. I can feel a surge of emotion rush through me, a feeling too strong for words to describe… It’s an energy, a decision, a promise… and that tells me how much I mean it. I really mean it Dex.

You have grown so much this month. Your face has already changed. It is growing into your features. Your big, blue eyes especially. I could lose myself for days looking into those. They are just like Ellenah’s. And your nose and lips… So much like Noah. At the same time, I see everything Dexter James… a perfect, little human… With a face that takes my breath away. A face full of purity, innocence, goodness and hope. A face that despite the similarities of your siblings, I have never seen before. You are one of a kind. Unique. Different. Special. Please remember this as you grow up. Be proud for exactly those reasons.

I have spent many hours over this month just looking at you. I’ve held you in my arms and out in front of me so that I could get a proper look. I’ve felt you get that little bit heavier, that little longer… I’ve felt the shape of you change. At one month old, it has become harder holding you out in front of me without lifting up your legs to make you fit. The mottled skin that comes with being a newborn baby has disappeared and in its place, it is fair, flawless and ever so soft. In those first days, your limbs were long and gangly and now, there is a little layer of fat that covers you. You look healthy and thriving. You are content and well fed. You love that I feed you myself and so do I. It is our special time throughout each day when we just stop and exist together. It is still, peaceful and kind of wonderful. I find it so beautiful. I hope that I never forget the way that you look up at me while you rest there to feed. You look into my eyes so intensely, like you never want me to go anywhere. In the first days, while you were still small enough to balance on a cushion while latched on… You would hold onto my thumb and little finger with both of your hands. Over the course of this month, you stopped needing to do that as you grew in confidence and the world seemed much less scary.

I’m still holding on to a few things from your first days. Like the way that when you are tired, you ball your hands into fists and pull them up to your chest, both tucked under your chin. And, when you are sleeping, you lay with your arms stretched out above your head. This makes me happy because a lady who was cooing over you in your pram told me that this means you are content and happy… and that is what I desperately want for you in this world.

You are already so loving Dexi. You always want to be cuddled, held, talked and sang to. You don’t like to fall asleep alone and you will not sleep unless I am right there by your side. As you lay beside me in the night, I have woken up to you, just watching me sleep. You haven’t made a sound, you have just watched. Knowing that I am there is all you need. Those are the nights that we lay awake together… Still high from finally being in the world together. And it’s not just you baby boy. I can’t sleep unless you are by my side either. I miss you on the occasions that I have turned over, facing away from you… and after dreaming of sleeping on my stomach again throughout my pregnancy, I still haven’t managed it. Even that feels too far away from you, for right now. Throughout the day, you don’t nap for more than five minutes, you hate the car seat and you’re not that keen on your pram. The sling is a game changer though. If I wear you, you would sleep, tucked up close to my heart, probably all day and you love it when I sing a song called ‘ When I’m with you’ over and over again.

You love being outside. You love watching the wind blow through the trees, the fresh air on your skin… All of the sounds. You loved our camping holiday. You were relaxed, sleepy and calm. The tent life suited you, so did being snuggled in a blanket with me around the camp fire and so did Daddy wearing you around the lake while he fished with your big brother and your big cousin. You didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there… because you were safe, protected and exactly where you wanted to be.

You snore, you kick your legs in excitement, you squeeze sounds from your mouth ¬†and you can officially smile now because you are happy. Ahh, your smile… now that IS special. You don’t give them up too easily and you save them for those who you recognise and love. When you let your smile shine though, it brightens up my life. It is the perfect, beautiful, gummy smile. You don’t only smile with your mouth though, Darling boy, you smile with your eyes too… and that is what I love most about it. You smile with your whole face, with everything you have, from the pit of your stomach.

I almost can’t believe that I’m talking about your smiles though… the things we’ve been up to, what you are like…who you are. How are you already one month old? How have we already got here?

I have truly loved everything about this time with you so far. Even the things that I’m not supposed to like as a new mama. The sleepless nights, feeling exhausted, the poo-explosions, the figuring everything out, like what each cry means… I love it all. I have thrown myself into this new normal, as a mama of three children and you have become a part of our team so perfectly. You fit like a glove, like the missing puzzle piece. We had been waiting for you and you were so worth the wait.

I made a little video for you Dexi, a keepsake of some of the precious moments that I have captured from your first month in this big, wide world. I haven’t been able to watch it back yet without tears building up behind my eyes. It makes me too emotional. I feel such overwhelming love, I feel like it is going to knock me off of my feet. Noah and Ellenah like to watch it too, they get the same tears behind their eyes as I do. We’re a sensitive bunch. They are so proud of you, their baby brother. They are in awe of every single thing that you do and they have loved watching you live all of these moments in real life, with me. I’m looking forward to capturing much and many more. The quirky things that you do, your milestones and all of the cuteness that comes with the territory of being Dexter, the coolest baby around.

I am so glad that you are here with us sweet boy. I’m so happy that you are safe and sound and that you are you. You are absolutely perfect to me, in every way. Thank you for making my heart grow even bigger, for reminding me that hearts are wonderful and that they can always make room. This month has been everything that I hoped it would be and more. I am excited to love you unconditionally, to raise you, to guide you and to be on your side…always.

I love you, so very much,

From, Mama x

 

 

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When Paternity Leave Ends

Two weeks went by so fast. Today Matt had to return to the real world, the working world. He will be there until 7pm tonight. Our new baby bubble has to change. My family has to settle into a normal life as a family of five.

I don’t know if it is because Dexter is our last baby, our family is now complete and we won’t be doing this again… but I didn’t feel ready today. When we said goodbye to each other this morning, I could feel my eyes sting and the tears threaten to fall down my cheeks. I don’t feel ready to go solo just yet. I’ve been enjoying our time together too much.

It has been bad enough saying goodbye to Noah and Ellenah every morning as they run off to school and in to class for the day and now we have to say goodbye to such a big part of ‘Team Langner’. Matt has been so supportive, so helpful and calming to me and Dex. We are really going to miss having him around .

After having Noah and Ellenah, I craved normality and routine but this time feels so different. I want to stay in the baby blur for as long as I possibly can.

Newborns change and grow just so quickly and up to this point, I have shared every little thing with my partner in crime. We have cooed and watched him sleep. We have bathed him together and laughed as he ruined two rather beautiful, white towels with a poo-nation as soon as we got him out and wrapped him up. We have both wore him around. Both of us watched him feed in amazement. We have fussed over him. We have lifted each others spirits when he screamed out with wind and it was hard to make him feel better. I have watched Matt sing to him, cuddle him closely, talk to him and love him… show me a mother who would want that to stop or change?!

We are both such different parents and people since having our first child at 22 & 23 years old. After the initial few days of trying to figure out new parent life again, we each have re-found our confidence and have both found our stride now. I’m not scared to be with Dex alone. I just wish that Matt had more time with us. Watching them bond has been so incredible to see. From the moment that Dex came in to the world, alert and bright eyed… He knew us both. He locked eyes with me immediately and held on to my dress tightly like he wanted to stay with me forever, safe and happy. But a little while later, once the chaos had settled down, Matt took off his tee and placed Dexter on to his bare chest and after, cradled him in his arms. Dexter looked up at Matt so calmly, so still and relaxed and listened as Matt spoke to him. They stayed that way for a while and as I watched this amazing thing happen in front of my eyes, a moment unfold between a baby boy and his daddy… I didn’t want the night to end. And they have become closer in each day since then. It has been such a beautiful thing to be on the sidelines for.

When Paternity Leave Ends

x

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Baby Dexter's Birth Day

I am so proud to FINALLY announce the safe arrival of our beautiful baby boy. His name is Dexter James Langner and he was born at 1.55am on Tuesday 4th July (USA’s Independence Day). He weighed a whopping 8lb 9oz and was born in our tiny bathroom, at home. He has been absolutely incredible and a dream come true. Noah and Ellenah absolutely adore him and he has stolen all of our hearts. It is insane how much time you lose just staring at your newborn… but, I wouldn’t class a single second of it as wasted.

I am going to be writing a detailed account of his birth story here on the blog over the next few days… or as soon as I can steal myself away from our newborn bliss for enough time to do it justice. So watch out for that if you enjoy a birth story as much as I do.

Until then, I will leave you with the video of our positive, empowering home birth for Baby Dex. I can’t watch this back without wanting to cry. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. I still have to pinch myself to check that it all really happened. It was just so lovely, so perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

And, Dex is just so wonderful. Worth the wait. Worth the pain. Worth it all x

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A Letter To My Unborn Baby

Dear Baby Boy,

I know that it must sound strange, when I say this out loud, but… I’m certain that I already know you. I feel like I know who you are, what you will be like. I know it sounds weird, maybe? I don’t claim to be psychic or to know things that I have no way of knowing yet. Not usually anyway. But… I am so sure about this. I’m so sure about you.

We’ve been getting to know each other for almost forty weeks now. That’s a long time. You can probably feel what I am feeling before I have understood my emotions myself. You, the little baby boy, ever so comfortable in the pit of my stomach where a lot of my decisions are decided upon. You, who has rested within my tired body at the end of each day. Tired from sickness, pelvic girdle pain or simple fatigue. Fatigue from being a mother to your brother and sister. Two people who are ever so excited to meet you and to love you forever. You, who has made my heart grow bigger than I ever imagined possible, at the same time as growing my body to be the perfect place and size for you to stay a while.

Pregnancy has been hard for me but being with you all of this time, has been one of the easiest, most lovely things that I could ever do. You will forever be a part of me now, even when you are out here in the world with me. Being your mother is easier to me than breathing. Words will never truly describe the overwhelming, unconditional love that comes with you being my son.

Our time as one person will be coming to an end soon. In just days, you could be a human being in this big, wide world. It might seem scary to you when you are out here. There are a lot of people and sometimes, it isn’t always easy for everyone to get along. But, it is a beautiful place and you are being born in to a family who adore you and want for you to see the good, be the good, be the change and to have the happiest life. Please know this though… I am and will always be your home. Always!

As your mama, I wish for so many things for you. Things that years ago, I probably would never have thought to say. We live in a world whereby the lines are often blurred. People mistake success and true happiness by how much money they have, how many holidays they have had and how important they think that they are. Please don’t accept that!

Please never be defined by money. Some of the happiest people in the world have nothing and would still give away the last of anything they have. Please always choose love over gold. If you have empathy and kindness in your heart, you have made it.

Please have heart in all of the things that you do. Don’t follow the crowd when it comes to travel… Or at all if you can help it. You will never truly get to know a place from a sun lounger. Go off of the beaten track. Open your eyes and see how people live. Learn. Explore. Always say yes to adventure. Feed your soul with life.

Please don’t ever think that if one day in your life, you are collecting coffee for a CEO somewhere, that he or she is more important than you. Never think that anyone is better than you. Never let anyone tell you that they are. They are not. Please Son, if you are ever the CEO…treat everyone as you would want them to treat you, never expect someone to do something that you aren’t prepared to do and always remember that you need to be kind to the people on your way up, you could just as easily meet them again on the way back down. You are no better than the next person.

BUT, we are all different and that is a good thing. Diversity is a good thing, something to celebrate. In your life, you might hear the phrase ‘divide and conquer’… That isn’t a good thing. Please always try and remember that we aren’t meant to be alone. We aren’t meant to be by ourselves. Be someone who makes the word ‘united’ mean something. Treat people like they matter because they do. Everyone has thoughts, feelings and you can’t judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes…and even then, it isn’t your place to.

Oh baby boy… there is so much more that I want to say to you, to tell you… but for right now, I am going to treasure these last days of carrying you in my body. As excited as I am to meet you and as much as I am looking forward to everything that is to come, don’t come out until you are ready. You have time and I will always be that mama that wishes time would slow down because my children grow up so fast…So don’t let me rush you now!

Just know this… When the sound of my beating heart gives you comfort, peace and you can feel my love rush around you as you wiggle and lay down to sleep in there… Out here, when the time is right for you… You will never feel more loved. I will hold you in my arms and watch you sleep for hours and I will give you everything that you could ever possibly need. Your family have made space for you and you are so wanted. I can’t imagine that you will ever feel alone. I know that you won’t be. And out here, whenever you lay your sleepy head down to rest, you will still feel my love rush around you… and Daddy’s… and Noah’s… and Ellenah’s.

I love you little bumpy and I look forward to being able to look in to your beautiful eyes and tell you that in person soon.

From Mama x

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