7 weeks pregnant

Pregnancy just became a lot harder!

Remember last week when I felt amazing? Yeah… I don’t feel quite so wonderful now. In fact, last week feels like a distant memory. As I sit here, I think… How the f*ck am I only 7 weeks pregnant. It has been the longest week ever.

I’ve been sick a few times now. In the morning when I haven’t had breakfast quick enough. I end up sitting on the cold bathroom floor as I wrap my dressing gown tightly around my body, with watery eyes, I heave in to the toilet… well… needless to say, It’s pretty grim, pretty soul destroying. I try and do it with a smile. Trying hard to never lose sight of how lucky I am. But, it’s hard. I try and think about my shopping list or the school run. I try and dismiss it, like I don’t have time for the delay in my morning routine. Sometimes it works. Most of the time it doesn’t. Most of the time, I just have to wait until it’s over and then leg it downstairs for water and food to stop the urge from coming back. So far it has just been the mornings. The rest of the day, I manage to control it with ‘little and often’ meals and plenty of fluids. The queasy threat that pangs in my body and throat, constantly throughout the day sucks! The sickly feeling just sits there, waiting for any sign of weakness.

Food has become my nemesis! I used to love cooking for my family, for myself but now… the thought of putting any food in my mouth, the smell of food cooking… basically, it turns my stomach. I don’t want any part of it.

And what is with every single sense in my body right now? They are massively hightened and massively confused. Everything smells so strong, Every noise is louder, Everything I taste sits on my tongue for what feels like days… and my skin feels sore all of the time, like the ‘ill skin’ you get when you have the flu.

My tummy is getting a little bigger now. Only very subtly but it has definitely changed. It’s nice. One of the things that makes me smile. One of the things that makes feeling a little rubbish, worth every second. As nice as it is, it’s weird too. When I was pregnant with Noah, I didn’t start showing until  six months. When I was pregnant with Ellenah, I didn’t start showing until five months. And now, third baby, seven weeks… He or she is reaching up to say hi to Mummy.

He or she? I’m desperate to know what this baby is. I can’t wait to find out, I have absolutely no idea. This pregnancy is incomparable to my last two pregnancies, I can’t even guess. Not in the slightest.

Argh! This update sounds like a whole lot of whining. I promise, it hasn’t been a completely awful week. It was my Mums birthday on Thursday and we went for a lovely breakfast together, with my three big sisters. It was such a great morning. So happy. I got so swept away with the smiles, I’ll be honest, I almost broke. My secret very nearly shot out of my mouth, across the table and in to the ears of my family. I literally had to bite my tongue at points, there were too many opportunities to spill the beans. I’m not sure if I’m proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut, or not.

I’m questioning myself right now. Asking myself if keeping this a secret is a good idea after all. I could do with a cuddle. It would lift my spirits to hear my favourite people say ‘congratulations’. It would be better if I didn’t have to hide the sickness. It would be nice to have a girly little cry, through happiness, because the cute woodland creatures in the new John Lewis Christmas advert stole my heart or from getting hysterical because I can’t eat brie or runny eggs anymore.

Plus, this is a killer of a secret to keep. I still kind of hate myself for it.

Anyway, I need to sleep now. It’s past this mama’s bedtime. I’ll be real with you, bedtime is past my bedtime lately. I’m always tired! I hope next week will bring happier chat… roll on week eight! Actually, roll on week whenever I stop feeling sick…

With Love,

Ria x

 

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6 weeks pregnant

So I’m six weeks pregnant. I feel like I should have started to believe this is all real by now, but I don’t. I remember feeling terrible by this point with my last two pregnancies. I was horribly sick, tired, spotty, pale and I generally was not winning by six weeks. This feels so different. My mind feels different.

I feel afraid that all is not progressing as it should be because I feel so good. I have always thought that sickness was the biggest thumbs up that everything is going well, everything is healthy…normal. I don’t feel sick in the slightest. I smile all of the time, my skin actually looks kind of great and my hair has never felt so thick.

I hope this pregnancy is sticky. I desperately hope it is. I find myself praying every night that those who make the decisions out of my control, let me keep hold of it. I hope the world knows how much I love this little seedling already… and it would break my heart to take it away from me now.

I said I feel afraid but in the same breath, I feel so calm, positive and relaxed. I’m giving myself everything that I think a pregnant woman could want. Plenty of rest, plenty of water, healthy foods and a little time to enjoy the changes coming my way.

I said my mind feels different and it really does. I’ve had two beautiful children before. Two beautiful children but the worst pregnancies. I was young with Noah. Young and worried. Worried about my finances, whether or not my new relationship could survive becoming parents, if I would be a good, nurturing mother. I was in a high pressured career and nervous about the changes to my body after years of body issues and with a phobia about the science of it all. I was sick all of the the time. Hospitalised twice. Noah was one month premature. Ellenah was a surprise. We had to move from our small two bed home. I was queasy and my body suffered terrible SPD rather early on. Walking around was hard. Chasing around after a two year old was harder and on top of it all, I was getting married that year… when I was almost five months pregnant. Ellenah was due on Christmas Day 2011. She made an appearance one week early. Of course, I am completely in love with them both, but the pregnancies were hard on me.

When Matt and I decided to plan for another baby, we knew that timing and having everything in perfect order was important… So that we were all settled, going to cope and so that I could be happily pregnant with nothing on my mind. We knew that this was my best chance of having an enjoyable pregnancy, one that we each wished for me but more importantly so that I could give enough attention and energy to Noah and Ellenah. We chose to have another baby to complement our family, not hurt it in any way. I don’t want Noah and Ellenah to resent a new sibling because it took me away from them. This way there is more than enough of me and my love to go around. This is the way that we, as their parents know that they will be most happy with any changes going forward. And we know that they will be so excited. They have been asking for a new baby in the home for a long time now.

As I mentioned, I’m eating really well… but little and often because I am always hungry.  I am following a vegetarian diet so I am cooking plenty of vegetables and grains to ensure I am putting wholesome, nutritious foods in to my body. I have gone off of courgettes completely though. I used to love them and would often centre a whole meal around cooking with them but not right now. I can’t stand the texture, taste or smell. So far, that is my only aversion.

I have a disgusting metallic taste in my mouth… all of the time right now. But, I’ll accept that. It’s not a big deal.

Talking of a big deal though… My breasts have basically doubled in size and my poor nipples are sore, sensitive and generally painful. This pregnancy is a complete secret until I get a thumbs up at the scan but these bad boys might just give everything away. I am currently wearing pinafores most days to hide them. Thank God for them coming back in to fashion. I want to kiss the person that made that happen.

My stomach is still flat at the moment which isn’t surprising because according to my pregnancy app, baby is the size of a lentil. Isn’t that just the cutest? Oh my goodness, I just had a really excited feeling in my tummy as I typed that. I am so excited about this.

6 Weeks Pregnant

I suppose I have been a little more tired but I have never needed much sleep. I find it boring. I have given in to rest though and I have felt the need to take a nap in the day sometimes. It is very rare that I get to though. I’m still a working mama, still busy leading my normal mum life.

Apart from needing to find and book in with a midwife (which I’m going to try and remember to do today) for my first appointment at around 8 weeks, I think that is everything that I need to update you with. It’s going to be fun looking back on these updates when baby is here and in years to come.

Anyway, fingers crossed that I continue to feel good and the sickness does or doesn’t stay away- whichever means that my baby is okay and I will see you in ‘7 weeks pregnant’.

Love,

Ria x

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The Pregnancy Diaries #2

It has been two days since I found out that I am pregnant and keeping it a secret is already so hard. I am truly feeling the struggle to keep this amazing thing to myself. This amazing, wonderful, incredible thing!

I still can’t believe it! I can’t believe that I am being blessed like this. I can’t believe that this is my life for the next nine months. I get to protect this little soul with everything that I am and I get to watch and feel it grow, into a beautiful little human who will be so loved by us all… His or her family.

I can’t believe that I have to keep this a secret from my family and close friends until around twelve weeks. I just want to make sure that everything is okay first. If I’m honest, I’m a little afraid this time around. Matt and I want this baby so much. We’ve already made room for it. We’ve already placed the cot, talked about which nappies to buy and debated over immunisations. There is room here, in our home and in our hearts. We love our baby so much already. I can’t tell everybody yet, it wouldn’t feel like the right thing to do.

By the date of my last period, I am around five weeks pregnant. By my dates, I’m around three weeks. I know that you can never really tell and I know this sounds strange… but I think I know the exact date. I felt different straight away. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way before?

I know that when it comes to prenatal check ups, my dates are irrelevant… So I’m trying to ignore the fact that I know best, haha. I checked an app on my iPhone to find out what is going on with the baby and me right now. I almost cried when I read that it was the size of a sesame seed. Isn’t that the sweetest thing?

It’s insane how much something so small can change your world so much in the littlest amount of time. Isn’t it?

It’s just as bizarre how much it has changed my world yet I still can’t believe it is all real at the same time. I mean, I know that it is. I’m exhausted, always hungry, my breasts are painful and I have an awful metallic taste in my mouth, all of the time. But I’ll take it.

I’m so unbelievably happy and I’m in such a positive place. Yes, there is a little fear which after a strange time during ttc, I think is normal but I am feeling so calm, so content… Kind of beautiful. Is that okay to say?

With Love,

Ria x

 

 

 

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The Pregnancy Diaries #1- I'm Pregnant'

It’s currently 09:53am on Saturday the 22nd of October 2016. I’m sat in the living room with Noah and Ellenah and we are still on our pyjamas. I haven’t opened the curtains yet. The blinds are well and truly closed. I can see the blinding sunlight beaming through the gaps and it looks like it is going to be a beautiful Autumn day. Probably a little crisp but warm from the gorgeous sunshine.

I’m not ready to let the daylight in yet. I’m not ready to feel exposed to anything outside the walls of our home. The walls protecting the secret from last night. Last night when weeks late for my period, I shut myself in the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I wasn’t hopeful, I was certain that the test would be negative. I felt a little angered that I had to take another one to be told ‘Nope, not this month…again!’. Just a week earlier, I had done the same thing. I sneaked upstairs before making the Sunday lunch and feeling confident, so sure that I had a baby in my tummy, I took a test. It was negative. And I was certain that this one would be too. I was preparing myself inside, to deal with another bold line, another flat no. Dealing with the fact that inside, I felt pregnant, like I did before the last test. Dealing with the fact that maybe, at thirty years old… I don’t know my body at all.

I heard little feet hitting the stairs as I sat there. I heard the little voices of my beautiful children, excitedly getting ready for bed. I heard a knock at the bathroom door.

‘Ree, are you alright? Matt asked as he pressed against it.

I don’t think I answered. I was focussed on watching the pee quickly moving along the window of the pregnancy test. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I saw the flat line appear, that I had seen many times before. But this one had another line going through it. A cross. A pregnancy cross. My eyes flicked to the next window. The one that tells me whether or not the test actually worked. I couldn’t breathe and my eyes filled with tears…and after what felt like an eternity, there it appeared. It showed me that after months of trying, I was going to have a baby. I was pregnant.

I am pregnant. I am going to be a mama again. To the one that we have been waiting for, to complete our little bunch.

I felt myself breathe out and my hand went straight to my stomach. I held it. Held my baby. To say ‘Hi’. To say ‘I love you!’ and I smiled. I smiled with my whole body.

And because Matt hadn’t had an answer, he fumbled at the door to open it. I pushed it shut quickly. I didn’t want him to see me like that, still sitting on the toilet, trousers around my ankles, holding the test that would tell him that he will be a Dad again. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to be in the moment with him when I told him.

I pulled myself together and swung open the door that he was standing an inch from, waiting for me. I held up the test, I smiled…

‘I’m pregnant!’ I told him.

And it was like he could finally breathe out. He smiled loudly. If that makes sense.

‘I’m so happy. I’m really happy!’ He said. And I believed every word.

I'm Pregnant


And that is when the secrets began. Our biggest secret that we had to keep from Noah and Ellenah. From our families and friends. Until we knew that everything would be alright. Until we knew for definite that this was actually happening. That life was truly blessing us with another beautiful baby to love and to raise.

And it was also the moment that we placed ourselves in a bubble. A bubble of happiness, overwhelming joy and love.

And that is why it took me until lunchtime to open the curtains and let the light in. The shining light which reflects exactly how life feels today. Lovely, warm, bright and just so wonderful.

I can’t quite put in to words how much I love this little life already. To explain how much I will always love it. To explain how much I want it. Today I feel truly blessed. So incredibly lucky. So in love with him or her and all of my little family.

Words will never do this feeling justice…

With So Many Smiles & Love,

Ria x

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