As Ellenah Turns Six

As Ellenah Turns Six

As Ellenah Turns Six

As Ellenah Turns Six

Dear Ellenah, on the eve of your sixth birthday,

These letters are so much more than simply saying ‘Happy Birthday’ to you. To my best girl in the whole world. This is where I get to reflect on the past year, all of the changing you have done… All of the growing. All that we have been through together. All of the wonderful ways that you have become… You… As the most beautiful, clever, funny, charismatic, almost six year old ever.

There are absolutely millions of things that I could say about you from this past year… You have surprised me endlessly and shone so brightly… As you always do.

The year that you were five started so subtly, so calmly…

I was growing your baby brother, Dexter in my tummy and I didn’t find that the easiest time. Our days were spent getting from A to B, squeezing in the fun when I could manage it. I watched you a lot in those months. I watching you ever so closely. I was looking for signs that you resented our temporary pace. Observing your happiness… ready to pounce if it ever faltered from the smiley, energetic, slightly loopy little hurricane that you usually are. I’m pleased to say that you didn’t change and looking upon you in those difficult days made me feel such hope, happiness and strength… I will always be grateful that I was blessed with a little girl who is as cool as you are. Your smile is a healer sweetheart! As if by magic, you instantly make me feel better.

I noticed a lot about you over those months. I saw your imagination flourish as you played the most beautiful games with the tiny little figures that you had collected over time. You played alone quite often, content with your own company. You easily shut out the noise and lost yourself for hours in your world of make believe.

I saw you dance, even when I could not hear any music. I watched you leap, twirl and tell a story with your moves. I watched you twist, contract and lose yourself in the steps that you improvised so naturally. I smiled as you commanded your space to ‘Be You’. I held onto my beating, emotional heart as you did this. I saw a version of myself from years and years ago, except you are more expressive, confident and brave than I was back then. Probably more so than I am, even now. And I want this for you… To be better, to shine brighter… Than I ever could.

You made up songs too. Lots of sweet melodies. And the lyrics would always reflect your feelings…or just what happened in your day. Towards the end of the year, you learned a little something’ about rhyming at school and that became a lot of fun for you. Whatever the words though, the tune would always be bright, cheery, happy… Like you. Despite the fact that your songs were long, they would always make me still. They still do.

You learned to run even faster this year. People have commented in the years before, how fast and how far your body could take you and I would always nod and say ‘Yep, she never needs to stop!’ but in the year that you were five, You got extra speedy. Like Dash from The Incredibles. And I felt like I had to be even more like Elastigirl… always needing longer, quicker, more bendy arms to keep you safe. You won the running race at sports day. You left your classmates far behind. You made it look so easy and I will always remember your face that day, looking behind you, wondering where everybody was. It was amazing. It feels amazing… to have a healthy daughter, who loves to run.

On the 4th July, you became a big sister to baby Dexter. You finally got to hold your little brother, to look at him and into the eyes of this little person who you had already loved so fiercely in the months before. You crept in to meet him on the day that he was born and emotion washed over you, so intensely. You cried with joy as you smiled at him and you have helped me to keep him happy and safe ever since. Not a day has gone by when it seemed like the ‘novelty’ has worn off. You have done everything in your heart to make him happy. You have made me so proud of you. You handed over the ‘baby of the family’ badge with such ease and are practically bursting with love from within. You are a perfect big sister and it makes me so happy to know that your brothers have you in their lives. This strong-minded, spirited girl with the sweetest soul. We are all so lucky that you are ours.

You started Year One at school in 2017. Polar Bears class… With a teacher who resembles and teaches just like Miss Honey from Matilda. A teacher who thinks that you are wonderful too. She sees how you sparkle, just like the rest of us. In September, you were a little unsure of yourself and maybe doubted yourself a little too often. It is a trait that comes with being a perfectionist, which you are. You like everything just so, aren’t great with sudden change and you prefer your work to be neat and lovely… even if it means that you don’t end up doing as much. In September, you found reading and writing such a challenge. You were scared of getting anything wrong… Because one thing that never changes about you my darling, you hate to be wrong. By the time December rolled around though, you were flying. You had picked up so much confidence and everything seemed to click in to place so beautifully. Now you are thriving and have fallen in love with reading and story-telling. A girl after my own heart.

You were given the role of the wise lady in the Christmas nativity play too and this was something that you were very proud of. It still breaks my heart to know that I wasn’t there to watch you. Next year, I will try my hardest to get tickets for more than one performance, but this year, I dreamed that I would attend with Daddy and we would watch you for the first time together. Noah was poorly though andhad been sent home from school about thirty minutes before your show was due to start. He asked me to stay with him and even though it was the right thing to do… It was hard to watch Daddy get in the car and drive to watch you on his own. I cried the whole time that he was gone and only managed to pull myself together, seconds before you walked through the door. I asked Daddy to record your parts though and I watched them with you when you got home. You were fantastic… Such a star. It suits you up on stage!

Talking of the stage. You took part in your first dance show this year. It was at the beginning of December and you performed a ballet and a tap number. For ballet you danced to Winter Wonderland and wore a beautiful white tutu with a baby blue shrug. For tap, you were dressed as a little snowman. Olaf from Frozen actually because you danced to ‘In Summer’, a song from the movie. You looked so beautiful. You danced like an angel. It really was a big deal. You were so brave for dancing in front of so many people, with lots of lights blazing on to you and all while being so little still. You loved it that I let you take in my subtle pink blusher and a nude lipstick in your dance bag. Your face was beaming when you told me that you had shared them with the other girls when you were ‘getting ready’. It threw me ahead in time to when you will get ready to ‘go out’ with your friends in quite a few years time. I can imagine you and your girlfriends taking over our bathroom, music blaring and you stealing my nice make-up, the stuff for special occasions. I’ll pretend I don’t know what you are doing and giggle to myself as you walk out of the door, to have fun and to live your best life with abandon.

You achieved so much in the year that you were five baby girl and you should be so proud of yourself. I am… So proud of you. I could almost pop some days, when you are doing these amazing, incredible things for someone so tiny. I feel like that in our every day’s too Ellenah. When I see how kind, determined, courageous and lovely you are. When I see you smile sweetly with a glint of fire in your eyes. You are bold and you care… about people, the world, life.

You inspire me. All of the time. When I need to find courage and strength, I think of you, who you are… what you would do. And it’s almost as if I can feel the fire from your eyes, ignite a flame in my gut.

So you deserve this birthday, to be wonderful and everything that you could ever dream of. You deserve for everyone who loves you, to gather around you and celebrate the beautiful human that you are.

Happy Sixth Birthday My Little Bella-Rina,

I love you more than words could ever do justice!

From, Mama x

 

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Four Months With Baby Dexifour months with baby dexi Four Months With Baby Dexifour months with baby dexiFour Months With Baby Dexi Four Months With Baby Dexifour months with baby dexiFour Months With Baby DexiDear Dexter,

I have had the most beautiful month with you, My Sweetheart. For the first time since you were born, time doesn’t seem to matter at all. I can only assume it went fast, as all months do when you are watching your children grow up… but we have all been lost in it somewhere, in the days that made you four months old. Before now, you have been our baby boy. You have cooed, smiled, laughed and all of it has been oh so sweetly. You have shown such love for us, we who love you the most of all. We have fallen in love with your sweet baby days and everything that has come with it. Noah and Ellenah have held you in their arms, felt the weight of your long, squishy thighed body. Daddy has talked with you, softly and let your laughing eyes steal pieces of his heart. I have stroked your beautiful face, your soft, flawless skin until you have fallen asleep. I’ve felt your heavy breath and shallow but gruff snore on my face, when you have slept in the nook of my neck. I have stayed with you, in the darkness as the ‘O’Clocks’ that I had long forgotten actually exist in the night, pass us by and you want to do nothing but look into my eyes. I have been there waiting for sunrise with you. Doing everything that I can to make you happy. Everything to prevent a tear or sad thought. Everything to give you a happy start in your happy life.

But… Somewhere in your fourth month, things changed. I started to catch glimpses of you, as much more than ‘our baby boy’. You have been trying on ‘Dexter James’ for size. Dexter with your weird and wonderful ways. Your little but big personality traits. Your opinions. Your thoughts. Your likes and dislikes. Your expressions. It has been so exciting to meet this part of you. It’s going to be so much fun getting to know this side of you.

I thought that seeing you change so much would make me sad. And you know, it does… because you are my last baby and this is the last time that I will have this chapter again… but, you are so delicious and eager to figure this world out and for that reason, I’m happy for you and excited for you. I’m in love with the feeling in my heart, that reminds me that I get to see the world through your eyes with you and the reminder that I have the privilege to introduce you to your life.

Dexi, I love it so much when you fall in love with things. Your face lights up, full of pure joy. When I read you ‘The Gruffalo’ in a silly voice, sing ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’, giving my all to the actions and when we watch Thomas The Tank Engine together… you coo loudly, you giggle and you become wide eyed and coy. You get so excited.

My darling, you love playing with our hands, stroking our arms and I can tell that you feel great comfort in stroking our skin as you pull our arms into and around you. You are still as affectionate as ever. Still wanting to be protected, safe and feeling secure constantly.

You suddenly can’t wait to join in with Noah and Ellenah. You watch them play with anticipation and love in your eyes. I feel like sometimes, I can see you thinking… almost as if you are dreaming of the day when not too far from now, you will be able to play with them. I can see how much you already admire them both. You follow them with your eyes, smile when they so much as glance in your direction and you are interested in everything that is theirs. Everything that they will always give to you willingly, if you have made even the smallest sound about wanting it. Dexter, I just know that they would do anything for you, anything in this world to make you happy. They are dreaming of that day, not too far from now, when you can play with them too.

They made you a little tent the other day. You were playing on your play mat and they hung your favourite swaddle muslin over the top. You were delighted. They watched you like hawks, so no danger or harm could ever come to you. They lay inside with you, looking up together at your reflections in the mirror. You smiled, laughed and cuddled. You were so happy.

I was so happy. Looking upon my three beautiful babies, bonding and making memories… It made my heart ever so warm and complete. In that moment, I wondered if things could ever be better than this. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking, ‘Wow, this is us!’ … and it was quite a special moment in time.

You are desperately trying to move around now Sweetpea. I don’t know if it is the desperation to keep up with your siblings or because you are busy by nature… but I like to think that it is because you have an adventurous heart. You rolled for the first time this month. On the 23rd of October. Just three and a half months old. You rolled from your front to your back. If you had enough upper body strength, you would have crawled off by now too. You have been lifting your legs, trying to shift them forward from underneath you for a while too… but your body goes nowhere. Yay, I have a little longer before we celebrate that milestone. Yay because I can continue to tickle you in the folds of your neck to hear that dirty belly laugh, without you being able to crawl away.

You look lovely in Autumn Dexi, your first Autumn. We have wrapped you up a little warmer lately, to keep you from getting a chill. It’s funny. I’ve always loved this season but I feel like I forgot to notice things, how my world changes around me. The colours, the smells…Just everything. And then, I wanted you to see it. So I had to find it to show you. Show you how the leaves change colour and texture, how the mornings feel cooler and even the sound of the rain dancing over your rain cover while we are out walking. It’s like I get to see it all, for the first time again.

We visited a Pumpkin Patch too sweetheart. A first for us all. It was a beautiful day and the sun shone on us. I wore you around the muddy field, holding you close as your body fell heavy and you dozed off to sleep. You were content, peaceful. Noah pushed the wheelbarrow and Ellenah found our pumpkin friends. She chose you one too. It was fun and we smiled a lot. I sat with you on a hay bale while I drank tea from a polystyrene cup and ate a homemade marshmallow and rice crispy cake from a van when we were finished. Sun beams washed over us and I remember stroking your back, closing my eyes with my face slanted to the sky and feeling so happy.

It was Halloween this month too. I dressed you as a little pumpkin and took you trick or treating with Noah and Ellenah. Again, it was the first time that we had been. I didn’t used to understand why it was fun. Knocking on peoples doors, hoping for sweeties. I do now. I used to be a nervous Mama I think. A little shy perhaps. Wanting to keep my bubble a little smaller. Trying to organise and control the fun, maybe. But I’ve realised that I don’t want you, Noah and Ellenah to think small, limited or restricted. I want you to jump in and make every day great. So I am changing. You are changing me. All three of you are making me in to the kind of Mum that I dreamed that I could become one day. You deserve a Mummy who is confident, fun and free. Oh darling, we are going to have the most fun, you’ll see. I’m going to have to make life interesting really. You are into everything. Curious and a tiny bit nosey.

One thing in particular that captures you is food. You watch us all eat, you chew at our hands, fingers and your own and you make little bite and chewing motions while sitting with us at the dinner table. We let you hold a banana this month to see what you would do with it. I think you liked the idea of it. You spat out every bit but you did NOT want us to take it away either. I know one thing, you made a lot of mess but you knew exactly what to do with it. I suspect that weaning is going to be a lot of fun with you…but that is another chapter for another month. We are still breastfeeding right now and we both love it so much. All the while you will let me feed you on my own, i’m all yours. You will never know how much this breastfeeding journey has meant to me. What this bonding time has done for my heart and soul. I have loved and continue to love every minute. We have tried to introduce a bottle of expressed milk at bedtime lately because I am due to leave you for a few hours in the evening in November… I’m trying to prepare for leaving you properly for the first time. I won’t be close by. But… you absolutely hate it and just want to be with mama. I’ll let you in on a secret baby boy… I hate it too.

Just like every month, my little hair pulling beast… You have surprised me endlessly. My love for you has overwhelmed me and I think my heart grew again to make extra room for you, your brother and your sister. Just like every month, I feel so grateful, to have the three of you.

Seriously Dexi, this is us. Incredible, isn’t it?

I love you,

From, Mama x

p.s. I’ve made another video for you… So that I can remember you in the month that you were four months old x

 

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Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

To my darling, Dexi

You are different. You’ve truly changed. You’ve grown so fast and so much. All in just a month. Another month. How has another month been and gone? Why do we keep finding ourselves here, like this. You, happily spending your days, fully throwing yourself into this world and diving straight into your life. You are on a journey to learn, grow and find yourself. In your very first chapter. Me, constantly looking at you, loving you, wanting to hold you, dedicating myself to making sure you are happy, safe and free to be you. My first chapter was a long time ago. The chapter that I am in is the ‘raising my family and being the best mama that I can possibly be’ chapter. But, whatever. We keep finding ourselves here. You, thriving in the moments that come and go. Me, holding onto the moments as tightly as I can, cherishing them and wanting to rest in them, to prepare myself for the one’s to follow. You, wanting to see what you can do, what you are capable of. Me, wanting to slow time down, wanting to control it, not ready for it to take the most beautiful moments and times that I have had with you, and make them the past.

When Mama and Papa planned to bring a third baby into the world, I knew that I wanted to keep you, in the baby days for as long as I could get away with. And sweetheart, never think that I am disappointed in how quickly you are already leaving them behind, in your obvious wish to catch up and keep up with your big brother and big sister… It’s just bittersweet. This past month, I’ve seen you start to move. I’ve seen you shimmy along the floor like a little caterpillar on your back. I’ve seen you shuffle to get somewhere else, from where I placed you gently and lovingly on your play mat. I’ve seen you do it over and over and I feel so proud of you. I will feel proud of you, for every milestone you reach throughout your life, no matter how big or how small. But I will always miss you, as my newborn baby, those first days and weeks when it was just me, only me that you wanted or needed. Now it has started, now you will always be curious, determined and adventurous… which is exactly what I want for you too.

You are now interested in the bold, bright and happy looking baby toys that surround you each day. You reach for them, stare at them, shuffle towards them. You have an opinion on them. See, I told you that you are changing. You used to care about milk and cuddles only. It seems that now, you are broadening your horizons. It makes my heart happy that you have fallen in love with the soft, leggy caterpillar that Noah and then Ellenah played with as babies though, that is a beautiful thought for mama to hold on to. And obviously, I will never throw it away and will treasure it until the end of time. He has charmed you with his simple, happy looking face. Since day one, he has gone by the name of Pillar Pillar, although I can’t remember why.

You still adore being spoken to, included in conversations and quite recently, you have started to enjoy it when we read to you. It doesn’t matter what it is. I could read you a menu or food packaging, and you would be engaged and excited to listen to more. Obviously you prefer books, the bright, baby kind. The ones with different textures are best. You find it wonderful when I take your hand and move it across the furry, crinkly, bumpy pictures and it makes you smile and squeal with happiness. This is one of the things that I have embraced and enjoyed most about you growing so quickly. Your mama is a complete book lover. I desperately want that for you too. So as you grow, you can lose yourself in your imagination and fall into that happy place that reading takes you to. Loving books is and will be great for you. Fingers crossed you will always love story time as much.

I know that I started this letter off by sounding quite emotional but Sweetheart, we have had so much fun together this month. You are so delicious. So happy, playful and loving. You are absolutely a bundle of joy and you are very quickly becoming my little sidekick. You laugh hard when I pretend to eat your feet, you wiggle as I make noises that sound like I’m gobbling them up. You feel calm and peaceful when I pretend to use them as a phone though, your arms drop heavily, up by the sides of your head and you lay so still, your big eyes fixated into mine. We pretend to call Papa, Noah and Ellenah and you take it all in. listening intently to the conversations that I have into the ball of your foot.

Talking of your tootsies. You have found your toes. You pull your legs up to your head by pulling your feet up and you move them around, rocking your body, very gently from side to side. It’s fascinating to watch you discover yourself as a human. Watching you realise that you are you.

You are so good with your hands, little one. You are way ahead of yourself with your pincher motion. The way that you can grab and hold onto the hanging toys from your play matt surprises me every time. I’m always grabbing anyone nearby in excitement, like ‘Look at Dexi, isn’t he clever?’. You concentrate so hard to get the exact toys in your hands that you want. You are so incredibly focussed for your age and you hardly show frustration. You have shown such patience, which is definitely not a trait that you share with me or your Papa. So it is just glorious to see. You make me want to try harder when it comes to my own patience, rather than at times being high maintenance, a little demanding, perhaps. You completely inspire me.

You have been such a delight during these past three months, that I decided to take you to a few baby groups. I thought that we would try them on for size after quite a daunting experience when Noah was a baby. You just fit right in. You were completely unfazed and perfectly happy to be with other children. You made it so easy for me, so enjoyable. Your favourite group so far was Rhyme Time at our local library. The session is only half an hour and you love to hear people sing. Around you and to you. It is a lovely group that encourages a lot of interaction so by the end of it, you are always ready to nap. In a good way. Not because you were bored. I like that it is in the library too. As you get bigger, we will start to borrow books that you choose… so it feels like it works. I’m hoping that you may make some little friends too. That would be ever so sweet.

You must make me feel really brave when I think about it baby boy, because this month we have taken you on your first train ride and for an event at the YouTube Space in London… All in one day. You didn’t mind the train until it became very busy. We went early so it was full of commuters who piled on at each stop. It became a bit too much for the last part and you basically screamed for the last ten minutes of the journey. It was tough… but everyone was really nice and said that the train makes them feel like that too. I agreed. Other than that, you didn’t falter. Even through a whole day of presentations, we happily bopped you at the back of the room and you were as good as gold. So warm, calm and happy. You were charming and the ladies loved you. You were and are a complete angel.

You are a darling even when you aren’t feeling your best, You battled your first little cold that came and went in a day and a half ( thank God that we are breastfeeding!) and even when you were so tired from very little sleep, you managed to smile and coo until your heart’s content. You really are a little drop of sunshine. My shining light. I say this even after we had to succumb to Peppa Pig on the iPad one time, in the very early hours of the morning to settle you, when you were struggling to understand why you felt so crummy. I still think that warmth radiates from your beautiful, little soul.

You don’t make anyone work for their smiles anymore really, do you beautiful boy? Your smiles and laughter explode out of you, too big for you to keep inside. They are much bigger than you. I truly think you find the happiness in everything. Always finding the thing to smile about. You’re hardly ever sad. Do you know, you are just so easy to love?

Three months has been so good to you Dexi. And us. I ask, why do we keep finding ourselves here… but everything really is as it should be. And despite what I say, you are still my baby. The little baby who I rock in my arms, who clings to me tightly when he needs comfort, who feels better when I sing the same song from when he was just hours old, who sucks his thumb when he is falling asleep, who lets me stroke his soft hair, who saves his most special gummy smiles for his mama, who still stares deeply in to my eyes like he is looking into my heart… My baby boy, who I love more and more each day. With a love so fierce, a love so big… A love so profound that the thought of existing without it, makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

Thank you for another beautiful month Dexter James,

I love you, so much

From, Mama x

p.s. I have made another little video for you, to remember your third month by. I hope you like it as much as I loved making it x

 

 

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Dear Dexi,

It makes me want to physically cry when I say it out loud that you are two months old. It feels like it actually hurts my heart. Just a couple of days ago, we were sat together, having a cuddle… You were asleep and I was as some would say, stuck beneath you. It was one of those times that I knew I wouldn’t be able to move or even breath too deeply because it would wake you. You’ve been a light sleeper since the day that you were born. The smallest sound will instantly wake you. Most days I try… try and place you gently in your sleepyhead or your moses basket to nap for an hour a couple of times a day, like your brother and sister used to. Heck… I’ve tried laying you in the centre of our bed, on the couch, on cushions on the floor and nothing will work. Nothing will settle you enough. As soon as you are not in my arms, you know. Sometimes it feels like even if you’re sleeping on my chest or in my loving arms, if I’m even thinking of moving you… your eyes will ping open, as if you had never fallen asleep… just to prevent me from moving. So anyway, on this day, I gave in. I just let you sleep on my chest, cozy, content and fast asleep. Your tiny body was heavy and your arms relaxed, weighty over my chest and draped at my sides. I was happy in that moment. I could smell your hair, I stroked your cheeks with one thumb and held one of your hands in mine. I watched your body rise and fall with each breath and noticed how much you had grown since I sat in that exact spot with you on the day that you were born. You had changed so much. Your face was much less squidgy and your arms and legs, not so scrawny. They had a healthy layer of fat covering them now which pleased me. In that moment, I looked around our living room… At the little trail of chaos that comes with taking care of a new baby. There was a bouncy chair, a sleepyhead pod, blankets, nappies, wipes, your change bag with the contents bulging out from when I had tried to find something, baby vests, baby grows, dummies (that you wouldn’t entertain because you only liked the green one with the hedgehog on it) and it just made me smile. It’s crazy how much mess one baby who relies on you for everything can make. But, my smile fell off of my face quite quickly if i’m honest. The reality of you growing up faster and faster every day darkened my thoughts. I looked around again and the thought of our living room not looking like this one day, full with your things from being new to the world, made me sad. The thought that one day our home would be neat and tidy, it upset me. And then I realised that I need to hold on to these baby days for dear life because they go by so fast and when they are gone, I will miss them… I will miss this… I will miss you like this, just as I do your big brother and sister.

Every day I wake up and look at you laying next to me in the bed and I still can not believe that you are mine, how lucky I am… how truly wonderful you are. I consciously try and notice everything about you. Every growth, every small change, every development. I have to know everything about you.

I don’t want to forget that at six weeks, you found your hands. You held your fists in front of your face, a look of such pride sat in your eyes because you had managed to get them up and keep them there. You stared so hard at them, overwhelmed by what was supposed to happen next and I could see your eyes cross and lose focus. I watched you concentrate so hard, for about a week until you figured out that you could do more with them. You think it is all kinds of wonderful when you wave your fists around like you are about to go twelve rounds in a boxing ring. You think it’s even better when you manage to knock a hanging toy, while laying on your play matt. Your eyes follow its movement and you love the noise it makes when that happens. Your favourite little toy is Crazy Croc right now. You stare at him for a long time. You are going to love punching him in the face over the next couple of months… in the most loving way of course.

I’ve watched your smile become a slight squeal which became your first small giggle this month. You have been able to better express just how happy you are. You think it is funny when you lay on the play mat and watch yourself in the mirror above you. I remember watching you giggle for the first time when you were laying there that day. You were so fascinated by your reflection… Not that I think for one second that you understood that was what it was… but you liked your happy little face looking back at you. We’ve named it ‘Mirror Friend’. Forty minutes you stayed there, smiling and squealing for the most part. From the first day when you were born, you were a baby who didn’t like to stay in one place for too long, easily growing bored… but not on the ‘laugh day’… that was special.

You have fallen in love with so many things this month… Other things apart from your family.

At only two months old, you have already been on two camping trips and the outdoors life is so obviously in your blood. You are happiest when outside and somewhat feral. Since then, you have changed the way that you feel about a comfortable rest in your Sleepyhead, opting for a nap on a camp chair in the garden instead. The breeze on your skin soothes you and the sun dancing over your face makes you instantly at ease.

You are fascinated and in awe of other children, especially your big brother and sister. You throw smiles at other children easily, eager to join in with them soon.

You have made friends with many fixtures in our home. The lights (Light Friend), a dream-catcher (Feather Friend), Curtains (Stripe Friend) and still, your old pal… the black and silver cushion (named ‘Friend’).

I don’t ever want to forget that, even as you’ve made so many ‘friends’… You don’t like anyone or anything more than you like me right now. I am your most favourite person in the whole, wide world still. I make jokes about it being because I have the milk and you are a hungry, growing boy… but actually it isn’t just that. I was reading something a couple of days ago and the truth of it, is that you still think that we are one person, a single entity, the same being. You don’t yet understand baby boy, that you are your own human. And for right now, that is the best thing that I could have ever read. It makes me feel excited about our bond and the difference that every song I sing to you makes. It makes me feel like I am cementing our relationship as mother and son that little more, every time I massage your hands and feet, speak to you for hours, with our faces almost touching so that you can see me clearly, tickle your feet gently, rub your back and stroke your tummy. I do all of these little things because I know that you love them. You kick, smile and squeal and I love it so much because I just want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy because I love you so much. You are worth every pair of tired arms from when I’ve danced the baby bop to get you to sleep, every puffy eye from another sleepless night, every back ache from where you have fallen asleep on my chest and I have stayed in the same awkward position for hours, just so you have enough rest. I wouldn’t have things any other way.

Some days, I still feel overwhelmed by my love for you. It is so fierce.

You make it ever so easy to love you too, sweetheart. Everybody loves Dexi. You have these big, smiling eyes that tell everyone exactly who you are and what  you are feeling. As you grow, they will be a blessing and a curse because you won’t be able to hide behind them. Your eyes will tell a thousand stories. Just like mine. Your eyes smile before your mouth does and they widen piercingly when you are worried about me leaving the room or when you hear a noise that startles you.

It’s funny to me, that for a baby with so much joy in his face, how much you make people work for a smile. You don’t throw them away easily. But when you do give them up, you have the most beautiful, gummy grin in the world and then there is no stopping you. It is so wonderful and so infectious.

You are wonderful… happy, playful and sweet.

And, I don’t know what I did to deserve you. My third blessing.

I love you, unconditionally

From, Mama x

P.S. Dexi, my darling… I made another little video for you to watch when you are older. I hope you like it as much as I do. Two months old looked beautiful on you and within your second month you changed so much each day… x

 

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one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi

Dear Dexi,

There is so much that I want to say to you, about your first month with me, with your family who love and adore everything about you. I’m so happy to have ‘officially’ met you. I waited for what felt like a lifetime to have you in my arms, to be able to stroke your beautiful face and to kiss you. You will never know what this month has meant to me. You have been everything to all of us. We have fallen over each other, to keep you from crying, to make sure that you are never sad… We have done everything in our power to make you happy, content… and to hopefully make you feel as loved as you truly are.

We have fallen in love with you. Head over heels in love. You have been kissed constantly. Noah wants to hold you all of the time and just the other day, I caught Ellenah telling you that when I’m out of the room, she will be your mother. Daddy coos over you, he’s very proud. And then there is me. I am your actual mother. I gave birth to you in our bathroom and from the moment that you were flung into my arms and I looked into your eyes, I knew that I would do anything to protect you… I knew that I would die for you. Even writing it.. I can feel a surge of emotion rush through me, a feeling too strong for words to describe… It’s an energy, a decision, a promise… and that tells me how much I mean it. I really mean it Dex.

You have grown so much this month. Your face has already changed. It is growing into your features. Your big, blue eyes especially. I could lose myself for days looking into those. They are just like Ellenah’s. And your nose and lips… So much like Noah. At the same time, I see everything Dexter James… a perfect, little human… With a face that takes my breath away. A face full of purity, innocence, goodness and hope. A face that despite the similarities of your siblings, I have never seen before. You are one of a kind. Unique. Different. Special. Please remember this as you grow up. Be proud for exactly those reasons.

I have spent many hours over this month just looking at you. I’ve held you in my arms and out in front of me so that I could get a proper look. I’ve felt you get that little bit heavier, that little longer… I’ve felt the shape of you change. At one month old, it has become harder holding you out in front of me without lifting up your legs to make you fit. The mottled skin that comes with being a newborn baby has disappeared and in its place, it is fair, flawless and ever so soft. In those first days, your limbs were long and gangly and now, there is a little layer of fat that covers you. You look healthy and thriving. You are content and well fed. You love that I feed you myself and so do I. It is our special time throughout each day when we just stop and exist together. It is still, peaceful and kind of wonderful. I find it so beautiful. I hope that I never forget the way that you look up at me while you rest there to feed. You look into my eyes so intensely, like you never want me to go anywhere. In the first days, while you were still small enough to balance on a cushion while latched on… You would hold onto my thumb and little finger with both of your hands. Over the course of this month, you stopped needing to do that as you grew in confidence and the world seemed much less scary.

I’m still holding on to a few things from your first days. Like the way that when you are tired, you ball your hands into fists and pull them up to your chest, both tucked under your chin. And, when you are sleeping, you lay with your arms stretched out above your head. This makes me happy because a lady who was cooing over you in your pram told me that this means you are content and happy… and that is what I desperately want for you in this world.

You are already so loving Dexi. You always want to be cuddled, held, talked and sang to. You don’t like to fall asleep alone and you will not sleep unless I am right there by your side. As you lay beside me in the night, I have woken up to you, just watching me sleep. You haven’t made a sound, you have just watched. Knowing that I am there is all you need. Those are the nights that we lay awake together… Still high from finally being in the world together. And it’s not just you baby boy. I can’t sleep unless you are by my side either. I miss you on the occasions that I have turned over, facing away from you… and after dreaming of sleeping on my stomach again throughout my pregnancy, I still haven’t managed it. Even that feels too far away from you, for right now. Throughout the day, you don’t nap for more than five minutes, you hate the car seat and you’re not that keen on your pram. The sling is a game changer though. If I wear you, you would sleep, tucked up close to my heart, probably all day and you love it when I sing a song called ‘ When I’m with you’ over and over again.

You love being outside. You love watching the wind blow through the trees, the fresh air on your skin… All of the sounds. You loved our camping holiday. You were relaxed, sleepy and calm. The tent life suited you, so did being snuggled in a blanket with me around the camp fire and so did Daddy wearing you around the lake while he fished with your big brother and your big cousin. You didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there… because you were safe, protected and exactly where you wanted to be.

You snore, you kick your legs in excitement, you squeeze sounds from your mouth  and you can officially smile now because you are happy. Ahh, your smile… now that IS special. You don’t give them up too easily and you save them for those who you recognise and love. When you let your smile shine though, it brightens up my life. It is the perfect, beautiful, gummy smile. You don’t only smile with your mouth though, Darling boy, you smile with your eyes too… and that is what I love most about it. You smile with your whole face, with everything you have, from the pit of your stomach.

I almost can’t believe that I’m talking about your smiles though… the things we’ve been up to, what you are like…who you are. How are you already one month old? How have we already got here?

I have truly loved everything about this time with you so far. Even the things that I’m not supposed to like as a new mama. The sleepless nights, feeling exhausted, the poo-explosions, the figuring everything out, like what each cry means… I love it all. I have thrown myself into this new normal, as a mama of three children and you have become a part of our team so perfectly. You fit like a glove, like the missing puzzle piece. We had been waiting for you and you were so worth the wait.

I made a little video for you Dexi, a keepsake of some of the precious moments that I have captured from your first month in this big, wide world. I haven’t been able to watch it back yet without tears building up behind my eyes. It makes me too emotional. I feel such overwhelming love, I feel like it is going to knock me off of my feet. Noah and Ellenah like to watch it too, they get the same tears behind their eyes as I do. We’re a sensitive bunch. They are so proud of you, their baby brother. They are in awe of every single thing that you do and they have loved watching you live all of these moments in real life, with me. I’m looking forward to capturing much and many more. The quirky things that you do, your milestones and all of the cuteness that comes with the territory of being Dexter, the coolest baby around.

I am so glad that you are here with us sweet boy. I’m so happy that you are safe and sound and that you are you. You are absolutely perfect to me, in every way. Thank you for making my heart grow even bigger, for reminding me that hearts are wonderful and that they can always make room. This month has been everything that I hoped it would be and more. I am excited to love you unconditionally, to raise you, to guide you and to be on your side…always.

I love you, so very much,

From, Mama x

 

 

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