On Monday 21st November 2016, I was taken into hospital.

It’s simple really… I needed help! I was in so much pain and hadn’t kept down food or even a sip of water in a long time. My eyes were grey. My lips were cracked. I kept crying. I couldn’t sleep. I was too hungry, starving really. My eyes wouldn’t focus. I couldn’t walk without help. I felt dizzy if I moved my head in the slightest. I was so thirsty. So much so, that when I cried I tried to keep the tears back in fear of wasting moisture. My skin was blotchy and sore from the tears. I didn’t feel human anymore.

I didn’t understand how I was still breathing and I was being a terrible mama. Numb and empty laying in bed, afraid to move as Matt made sure that Noah and Ellenah were okay. My heart was breaking apart, bit by bit. I missed them so much. I missed the way we do things. I missed the motherhood that I had loved for the past seven and a half years.

I was in trouble. I was broken. I couldn’t remember when I smiled last, from a happy heart.

All I could focus on was someone helping me to get through this. Someone helping me get back to health. Someone giving me back to my children. We needed each other. There had to be someone who could help me.

It wasn’t just the sickness. I was in such traumatic pain. I thought I was losing the little person in my body. The tiny little person who I wanted to give life. The person who I thought my body was killing, rejecting. I thought something was seriously wrong. It hurt so much. I felt like i was being butchered from the inside.

So from a couple of phone calls, a trip to the doctor, a trip to A&E, a trip to the early pregnancy unit and an internal scan later… I was sent to my cubicle on the labour ward where after days of no food or drink, I collapsed on the bed. Unaware of the midwife attaching me to an IV and unsure what was happening.

I missed the first time that we got to see our baby. I was ridiculously weak and as much as my eyes were open, I couldn’t see as far as the screen and there wasn’t much behind my eyes even if I could have. As I said, it was an internal scan. I was being checked over for an ectopic pregnancy. If i’m honest, from the moment I was advised that this was the suspected problem, I had started to say goodbye to my baby. I don’t think it showed on the outside how much I was hurting, how much I was breaking. I could no longer imagine his or her face or the life that we were going to have, all together. Every happy thought that I had allowed myself about the pregnancy up to this point had started to fade. I didn’t think that I could be any more broken than I was… but, I surprised myself I guess. An ectopic pregnancy made sense to me I suppose. I had suffered terrible pregnancy sickness with my son Noah, for my whole pregnancy…but nothing this relentless. I think I thought deep down, ‘How could a baby ever survive this?’

sickness, dehydration & hospital

Our Beautiful Baby At 9 Weeks

But… My baby was as tough as old boots it seemed. Much tougher than me. Baby had a beautiful, strong heartbeat… And was growing in exactly the right place. And in seconds, I was a little less broken. A little more ready to start fighting again. For my baby. To get back home to my perfect, little family… Where this mama belonged.

And so I did my time ‘inside’. It was bad. My hydration levels were shot. I was on the IV permanently, for three days. When I needed to pee… I had to take the fluids with me. I couldn’t shower. And, after being starved further by the midwives due to anti-sickness injections for the first twelve hours, I had to be reintroduced to food. Very dry foods. Ever had to eat dry bran flakes after not eating or drinking for days? It’s a shit show, let me tell you! It was a hard slog and it took me all of the first day to eat them.

Going home was completely out of the question.

sickness, dehydration & hospital

My selfie to my mama so that she wouldn’t worry & could see that I was still smiling (on the outside).

I had to jump through the hoops, keep the food down, not heave and I lost all of my dignity in the process, by handing over every single wee that I did. Let me tell you, walking down the hallway, past the rooms with the mama’s holding their newborns, while holding onto my IV and my bed pan wasn’t nice in any way. It was always so cold and people stared at me. I just wanted to go home.

Matt and my children visited me on the second night but it was horrible. I didn’t like seeing them sat at the bottom of my bed. I didn’t want them to see me hooked up to wires with blood still dripping from my arm. I didn’t want them to remember this. I sent them away early and I cried like a baby. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried a lot until I could go home if i’m being honest. It’s embarrassing. I wish I was more brave about it but I was so homesick… And the worst patient in the world.

Once I had started to feel better, was off of the drip and I had a bit of life about me… I begged anyone who would listen, to let me go home. At one point I got so desperate, I asked the lady who brought around supper and bless her, she was a petite filipino lady who couldn’t understand much english. She asked me if I wanted juice, tea or coffee. I politely declined and accepted more water with my head hanging low.

I discharged myself eventually. I couldn’t stay anymore. The doctor got held up and I knew I would be better off at home. So I left with a prescription of Cyclizine and returned home for some rest in my own bed, surrounded by my people, my backbone and the reason that I had to stop crying.

The Cylizine worked for a few days…

Love Ria x

 

 

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The Secret Is Out

Wednesday 16th November 2016

So after standing my family up on Remembrance Sunday because I was being sick every two minutes, I had to tell them why. I couldn’t lie anymore. I couldn’t make up any more excuses. I couldn’t keep it from them. I had a feeling that suddenly things were going to get a little harder in how I felt and hiding my news used up too much energy. Energy that I needed to keep hold of while I lost more and more dignity, by spending too much time facing the bottom of the toilet where little bits of bile often ended up in my hair.

I know that I’m not facing a particularly glamorous chapter in pregnancy. I know this isn’t the ‘glowing, beautiful hair, smiley’ moment. It definitely isn’t that bit. And I needed my peoples, to pull me through it. To grab me by the hand and laugh when I tell them how I was sick on a neighbours flower bed on the school run (true-fucking-story!)

I needed them to be my voices of reason after I spent a day crying because I was so hungry… and I needed them to roll their eyes and tell me off for that a bit. I needed some tough love and true to form, they were right there for me, telling me to ‘woman up’.

Suddenly, it went from the wrong thing to do… to tell them about my pregnancy before we had the scan to give us the nod that everything was okay… to exactly the right thing to do. Exactly the right thing.

And so, in the blur of sickness, cravings, hunger, emotions and more sickness, all of the things that are bringing me down and making me feel flat… I have found something very happy in this week. Something to lift my spirits and the best people to share my excitement with.

With Love,

One Happy Mama-To-Be (Again!), Ria x

 

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7 weeks pregnant

Pregnancy just became a lot harder!

Remember last week when I felt amazing? Yeah… I don’t feel quite so wonderful now. In fact, last week feels like a distant memory. As I sit here, I think… How the f*ck am I only 7 weeks pregnant. It has been the longest week ever.

I’ve been sick a few times now. In the morning when I haven’t had breakfast quick enough. I end up sitting on the cold bathroom floor as I wrap my dressing gown tightly around my body, with watery eyes, I heave in to the toilet… well… needless to say, It’s pretty grim, pretty soul destroying. I try and do it with a smile. Trying hard to never lose sight of how lucky I am. But, it’s hard. I try and think about my shopping list or the school run. I try and dismiss it, like I don’t have time for the delay in my morning routine. Sometimes it works. Most of the time it doesn’t. Most of the time, I just have to wait until it’s over and then leg it downstairs for water and food to stop the urge from coming back. So far it has just been the mornings. The rest of the day, I manage to control it with ‘little and often’ meals and plenty of fluids. The queasy threat that pangs in my body and throat, constantly throughout the day sucks! The sickly feeling just sits there, waiting for any sign of weakness.

Food has become my nemesis! I used to love cooking for my family, for myself but now… the thought of putting any food in my mouth, the smell of food cooking… basically, it turns my stomach. I don’t want any part of it.

And what is with every single sense in my body right now? They are massively hightened and massively confused. Everything smells so strong, Every noise is louder, Everything I taste sits on my tongue for what feels like days… and my skin feels sore all of the time, like the ‘ill skin’ you get when you have the flu.

My tummy is getting a little bigger now. Only very subtly but it has definitely changed. It’s nice. One of the things that makes me smile. One of the things that makes feeling a little rubbish, worth every second. As nice as it is, it’s weird too. When I was pregnant with Noah, I didn’t start showing until  six months. When I was pregnant with Ellenah, I didn’t start showing until five months. And now, third baby, seven weeks… He or she is reaching up to say hi to Mummy.

He or she? I’m desperate to know what this baby is. I can’t wait to find out, I have absolutely no idea. This pregnancy is incomparable to my last two pregnancies, I can’t even guess. Not in the slightest.

Argh! This update sounds like a whole lot of whining. I promise, it hasn’t been a completely awful week. It was my Mums birthday on Thursday and we went for a lovely breakfast together, with my three big sisters. It was such a great morning. So happy. I got so swept away with the smiles, I’ll be honest, I almost broke. My secret very nearly shot out of my mouth, across the table and in to the ears of my family. I literally had to bite my tongue at points, there were too many opportunities to spill the beans. I’m not sure if I’m proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut, or not.

I’m questioning myself right now. Asking myself if keeping this a secret is a good idea after all. I could do with a cuddle. It would lift my spirits to hear my favourite people say ‘congratulations’. It would be better if I didn’t have to hide the sickness. It would be nice to have a girly little cry, through happiness, because the cute woodland creatures in the new John Lewis Christmas advert stole my heart or from getting hysterical because I can’t eat brie or runny eggs anymore.

Plus, this is a killer of a secret to keep. I still kind of hate myself for it.

Anyway, I need to sleep now. It’s past this mama’s bedtime. I’ll be real with you, bedtime is past my bedtime lately. I’m always tired! I hope next week will bring happier chat… roll on week eight! Actually, roll on week whenever I stop feeling sick…

With Love,

Ria x

 

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6 weeks pregnant

So I’m six weeks pregnant. I feel like I should have started to believe this is all real by now, but I don’t. I remember feeling terrible by this point with my last two pregnancies. I was horribly sick, tired, spotty, pale and I generally was not winning by six weeks. This feels so different. My mind feels different.

I feel afraid that all is not progressing as it should be because I feel so good. I have always thought that sickness was the biggest thumbs up that everything is going well, everything is healthy…normal. I don’t feel sick in the slightest. I smile all of the time, my skin actually looks kind of great and my hair has never felt so thick.

I hope this pregnancy is sticky. I desperately hope it is. I find myself praying every night that those who make the decisions out of my control, let me keep hold of it. I hope the world knows how much I love this little seedling already… and it would break my heart to take it away from me now.

I said I feel afraid but in the same breath, I feel so calm, positive and relaxed. I’m giving myself everything that I think a pregnant woman could want. Plenty of rest, plenty of water, healthy foods and a little time to enjoy the changes coming my way.

I said my mind feels different and it really does. I’ve had two beautiful children before. Two beautiful children but the worst pregnancies. I was young with Noah. Young and worried. Worried about my finances, whether or not my new relationship could survive becoming parents, if I would be a good, nurturing mother. I was in a high pressured career and nervous about the changes to my body after years of body issues and with a phobia about the science of it all. I was sick all of the the time. Hospitalised twice. Noah was one month premature. Ellenah was a surprise. We had to move from our small two bed home. I was queasy and my body suffered terrible SPD rather early on. Walking around was hard. Chasing around after a two year old was harder and on top of it all, I was getting married that year… when I was almost five months pregnant. Ellenah was due on Christmas Day 2011. She made an appearance one week early. Of course, I am completely in love with them both, but the pregnancies were hard on me.

When Matt and I decided to plan for another baby, we knew that timing and having everything in perfect order was important… So that we were all settled, going to cope and so that I could be happily pregnant with nothing on my mind. We knew that this was my best chance of having an enjoyable pregnancy, one that we each wished for me but more importantly so that I could give enough attention and energy to Noah and Ellenah. We chose to have another baby to complement our family, not hurt it in any way. I don’t want Noah and Ellenah to resent a new sibling because it took me away from them. This way there is more than enough of me and my love to go around. This is the way that we, as their parents know that they will be most happy with any changes going forward. And we know that they will be so excited. They have been asking for a new baby in the home for a long time now.

As I mentioned, I’m eating really well… but little and often because I am always hungry.  I am following a vegetarian diet so I am cooking plenty of vegetables and grains to ensure I am putting wholesome, nutritious foods in to my body. I have gone off of courgettes completely though. I used to love them and would often centre a whole meal around cooking with them but not right now. I can’t stand the texture, taste or smell. So far, that is my only aversion.

I have a disgusting metallic taste in my mouth… all of the time right now. But, I’ll accept that. It’s not a big deal.

Talking of a big deal though… My breasts have basically doubled in size and my poor nipples are sore, sensitive and generally painful. This pregnancy is a complete secret until I get a thumbs up at the scan but these bad boys might just give everything away. I am currently wearing pinafores most days to hide them. Thank God for them coming back in to fashion. I want to kiss the person that made that happen.

My stomach is still flat at the moment which isn’t surprising because according to my pregnancy app, baby is the size of a lentil. Isn’t that just the cutest? Oh my goodness, I just had a really excited feeling in my tummy as I typed that. I am so excited about this.

6 Weeks Pregnant

I suppose I have been a little more tired but I have never needed much sleep. I find it boring. I have given in to rest though and I have felt the need to take a nap in the day sometimes. It is very rare that I get to though. I’m still a working mama, still busy leading my normal mum life.

Apart from needing to find and book in with a midwife (which I’m going to try and remember to do today) for my first appointment at around 8 weeks, I think that is everything that I need to update you with. It’s going to be fun looking back on these updates when baby is here and in years to come.

Anyway, fingers crossed that I continue to feel good and the sickness does or doesn’t stay away- whichever means that my baby is okay and I will see you in ‘7 weeks pregnant’.

Love,

Ria x

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The Pregnancy Diaries #2

It has been two days since I found out that I am pregnant and keeping it a secret is already so hard. I am truly feeling the struggle to keep this amazing thing to myself. This amazing, wonderful, incredible thing!

I still can’t believe it! I can’t believe that I am being blessed like this. I can’t believe that this is my life for the next nine months. I get to protect this little soul with everything that I am and I get to watch and feel it grow, into a beautiful little human who will be so loved by us all… His or her family.

I can’t believe that I have to keep this a secret from my family and close friends until around twelve weeks. I just want to make sure that everything is okay first. If I’m honest, I’m a little afraid this time around. Matt and I want this baby so much. We’ve already made room for it. We’ve already placed the cot, talked about which nappies to buy and debated over immunisations. There is room here, in our home and in our hearts. We love our baby so much already. I can’t tell everybody yet, it wouldn’t feel like the right thing to do.

By the date of my last period, I am around five weeks pregnant. By my dates, I’m around three weeks. I know that you can never really tell and I know this sounds strange… but I think I know the exact date. I felt different straight away. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way before?

I know that when it comes to prenatal check ups, my dates are irrelevant… So I’m trying to ignore the fact that I know best, haha. I checked an app on my iPhone to find out what is going on with the baby and me right now. I almost cried when I read that it was the size of a sesame seed. Isn’t that the sweetest thing?

It’s insane how much something so small can change your world so much in the littlest amount of time. Isn’t it?

It’s just as bizarre how much it has changed my world yet I still can’t believe it is all real at the same time. I mean, I know that it is. I’m exhausted, always hungry, my breasts are painful and I have an awful metallic taste in my mouth, all of the time. But I’ll take it.

I’m so unbelievably happy and I’m in such a positive place. Yes, there is a little fear which after a strange time during ttc, I think is normal but I am feeling so calm, so content… Kind of beautiful. Is that okay to say?

With Love,

Ria x

 

 

 

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