Throughout my pregnancy with Dexter, the topic of breastfeeding would always make me feel like a bit of a failure. I would instantly feel emotional when talking about my plans to breastfeed my third baby and when I look back now, I think I had given up before I had even started. I told everyone who would listen that my aim was to breastfeed my baby, for the first year of his life. But, I don’t think that I really believed that I would get any further than two months again… Until I would hear those pained cries, of hunger. I doubted that things would be any different this time. I was adamant that one day, I would stop hearing the sound of my baby gulp to the rhythm of my milk letting down… because as if by magic, it would dry up again. I was already hurt at the…

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Wow! 2017… What a year? I mean, in 2017, we completed our beautiful, crazy team and became a family of five… So it is definitely one of those years that will take some beating. It was a whirlwind though. A real knock you off of your feet, months in a bubble of loveliness, high on life, Holy shizzle kind of whirlwind. It started off feeling difficult. Well actually, the first half of it was really hard. Exhausting. Overwhelming. A struggle. I’m not ashamed to admit that being and feeling constantly sick during my pregnancy, wore me out. I remember the day that I made my pregnancy announcement video. I wanted it to be so beautiful because nothing that I went through affected the love that was growing in my heart for my baby. I felt like the luckiest person in the whole wide world and I couldn’t wait for this…

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Dear Ellenah, on the eve of your sixth birthday, These letters are so much more than simply saying ‘Happy Birthday’ to you. To my best girl in the whole world. This is where I get to reflect on the past year, all of the changing you have done… All of the growing. All that we have been through together. All of the wonderful ways that you have become… You… As the most beautiful, clever, funny, charismatic, almost six year old ever. There are absolutely millions of things that I could say about you from this past year… You have surprised me endlessly and shone so brightly… As you always do. The year that you were five started so subtly, so calmly… I was growing your baby brother, Dexter in my tummy and I didn’t find that the easiest time. Our days were spent getting from A to B, squeezing in…

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Dear Dexter, Ahh, another special month with your smiley, beautiful face and happy heart. Could you be the worlds happiest baby? How did I get this lucky? I know some would say that because you aren’t yet sleeping through the night and because I am tired, things might seem hard and perhaps I’m not THAT lucky… but those people are wrong. I love waking up to your smiles every morning. When the first thing that I see when I open my eyes is you beaming at me with such excitement for the day ahead and for the life that you are living, it’s like the nights before never even happened. I know in my heart that everything is exactly as it is meant to be. I know that I am meant to see this chapter through with you, with a whole heart and gratitude. I am meant to do everything…

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Dear Noah, Hello my beautiful boy!! This letter feels way overdue. There is so much that I am bursting to say to you, to tell you. This morning, I am sitting in our living room with a hot cup of tea. I’m warm from the sun beating through the window, the room is bright… and I am thinking about you. I can see your things dotted around our home. The helicopter that you designed from lego that you were so proud of yesterday. Your pyjamas that you freely slung into your bedroom after getting dressed for school this morning. Pieces of paper that you have written little notes on, with your jagged, joined up handwriting. Your breakfast bowl, scraped of every last bit of porridge and as always, plenty of rogue Nerf bullets and paper planes… just around. Mama is missing you today. I wish you were here. We talked…

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