20 Weeks Pregnant… Yikes!

In those early weeks, I would never have imagined being halfway through with this pregnancy. I remember the night before I ended up doing a stint in hospital with severe dehydration due to HG, I said to my husband ‘How am I going to get through this?’ with tears streaming down my face. I remember questioning myself. Asking myself if I could actually survive this. I know that sounds dramatic but when you are in the throws of it and you have absolutely no control over your body or your life anymore… It is very hard. And that statement doesn’t do the reality justice in any way. It doesn’t even come close.

So to only have another 20 weeks to go… What a milestone? What a feeling!

With Love,

Ria x

p.s. Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for more updates and to meet baby when the time is right HERE!

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And this is how I felt when I turned 19 weeks pregnant! This was a massive turning point for me in this week. I had reached a point when I was DONE with being a victim to pregnancy and I so desperately wanted to enjoy it for everything incredible that it is and for all of the wonderful ways that it is going to change my life when I have my baby here with me.

With Love,

Ria x

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The 20 Week Scan

Tuesday 31st January 2017

We saw our baby again this afternoon. In one breath, it was incredible. I had been counting down the days to see my little one again. To check in, check how much baby had grown… to see the little life growing in my tummy move around and be. Words can’t describe the feeling that I get in my heart when I see my baby on the screen above me. It feels like it’s just me and my baby in the room. Everything going on around me becomes a blur. I can’t properly hear the medical jargon that the Sonographer mumbles under his breath. The silence that hangs in the air around his concentration is irrelevant. I just lay there on the bed, gripping Matt’s hand and watching the screen in amazement and complete awe. I feel like I have to remind myself to breathe in these moments. It’s almost like I don’t want to waste any time because as much as having these scans can tell you, they go fast…And I never want to miss a single second of the experience.

This time was different though.

It didn’t go fast. It took me a while to notice in all of the excitement. It took me a bit of time to realise that the Sonographer was prodding my tummy that little bit harder, more aggressively. It took me a bit of time to realise that he was repeating two measurements in particular, over and over again. Once I did, I removed myself from my happy bubble and joined Matt in the room where I was met with more mumbling and the words cleft palate being thrown around, abnormalities and incomplete heart measurements. And, suddenly I felt numb.

I tried to read the Sonographer’s face, I tried to pick apart every facial expression.

I didn’t understand what he was saying. I didn’t understand his cold tone. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t being a little more kind to us. I didn’t understand what all of this was going to mean for our baby, for our baby’s life. I didn’t want him to tell me to come back in a few weeks time because he isn’t sure if our baby has a cleft palate and / or something wrong with the heart. I didn’t want him to take one final look before marching us out of the door, to then tell us that just because he can’t see any other abnormalities, it doesn’t mean that they are not there.

And worse still, I didn’t understand why I was justifying what he said on the way home. I didn’t understand why I was saying that he probably has to give a ‘disclaimer’ like that to all parents-to-be. I didn’t understand why I felt so calm.

Was it because deep down, I believed with my whole, maternal heart that everything was fine? Was it because I believed with everything that I am, that we would get through anything? Was it because I felt that after everything that me and my baby had already been through together, this wasn’t going to distance us from each other? I don’t know!

I told myself that everything was fine and threw myself in to sharing the news about the sex of our baby with our nearest and dearest. I launched myself into all of the things about the scan that we could celebrate… and would! I let the love and excitement from those around us envelop me and conceal any doubt in the back of my mind. I let them take away the ‘what-if’s’ and the questions that I was pushing down in to the pit of my body.

But tonight, as my exhausted body tries with all of its might to fall asleep in the dark, I am praying that my little human is okay… And I will, every night until ‘a few weeks time’… And then again, until my baby is nestled in my arms, safe and sound and surrounded by so much love.

With Love,

Ria x

 

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My little Blog has been a completely forgotten in recent days, weeks and months… It has fallen way behind my reality. So in my best efforts, I want to try and catch things up. This little space on the internet really matters to me. It is my diary and I want to keep as much about not only my life but my little family’s life documented here. This was my 18 week pregnancy update and wow, things have changed a ton since making this video… It’s already crazy to look back on and it already makes me feel emotional watching it back. I’m on the last leg of this pregnancy now and this already feels like a lifetime ago. Still, I hope it helps someone out there, I hope y’all like it. Don’t forget to let me know if you do and of course, subscribe to my channel HERE to keep up with other updates and to meet baby when the time is right.

With Love,

Ria x

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This wasn’t the video that I had imagined making back when I first saw the cross on that pregnancy test to tell me that I was going to be a mama-to-be again. I imagined something beautiful. I at least thought that I would have done my hair…maybe put a bit of lippy on… but no! This was the best I could do at the time. This was all that I had in my tired, sickly body to create. I say create…ha! I just ended up pointing the camera at myself one night, crying and looking very blotchy while I shared the most amazing news to YouTube Land.

Still, I watched this back today and as the tears threatened my eyes yet again… I smiled to myself. Smiled because we (me and our baby) have come so far in the short time between then and now. I can accept this for the memory now. I can accept this as part of the journey now… I don’t feel guilty anymore. The truth is, it ain’t easy growing a human and actually, I’m doin’ okay.

If you would like to follow my pregnancy, you can subscribe HERE. I ask for a lot of advice in my video’s, so  I always appreciate any advice, tips and support. It’s crazy being out here on this journey again. Lots has changed since I was pregnant with my daughter Ellenah, who is now five. The YouTube community has become my diary, bible and such a big support to me as a mama, I would love to have you join me there.

And for all of you lovely ladies who are currently pregnant, bless you! I hope you are having beautiful, glowing and safe pregnancies. For those who are currently TTC, you are in my thoughts and hopes that you are blessed soon.

Love,

Ria x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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