It isn’t an easy decision to make. To decide whether or not to extend your already lovely little family by one more. Some could call you crazy for even thinking about it when your children are seven and (almost) five years old. Some would think you were mad for wanting to go back to square one, to start all over again. Some would ask you why you would want to go back to the sleepless nights, dirty nappies and sore nipples. I understand that it doesn’t sound that glamorous and I would probably find it harder now, now I am a little older and a little more used to an easier way of life.

But it just doesn’t make sense to me to not have another little human in our family, to love. It isn’t for a number, an ideal goal… but because Matt and I love raising our children. We love watching them grow, change and become who they are meant to be. We love being a part of it, throwing ourselves in to it and cherishing it. We love being parents, a mother and a father. We love being a family. Our family unit is so very special to us, so unique. We could give another baby a loving family with two amazing siblings, a place in the world and open arms to always be there for them, whatever it is that they need.

We made the decision out of love to start trying for another baby, about five months ago.

I didn’t announce it or make a big deal out of it. I didn’t fancy the pressure. In the same way that I have never used an ovulation test. We have let nature take its course but as it goes, it isn’t our turn just yet. I understand that the best things are worth waiting for but waiting and trying is completely new territory for Matt and me. Noah and Ellenah were both our most lovely surprises… and I realise that I definitely took it for granted at the time. I absolutely did.

And lately, I have found myself isolated and upset with my body, just like so many other women in the same position as me. So I have turned to them and their journeys on YouTube and in the Blogoshere. I have found myself taking comfort in such a beautiful online community. I have found a place where myself and my headspace best belong right now.

Negative pregnancy tests are hard to get over. You know the ones? When you felt so sure! You were certain that this was your month. And then it wasn’t…again.

I know that five months isn’t very long in the grand scheme of things. I know that I must sound impatient and dramatic but I can only feel what I feel. I think all of us in this situation are important. We all want to love a child, or another one in my case, at the end of the day. All of us and the different stages of our journeys matter. We are all in this thing together, this guessing game, this waiting business.

And with that in mind, I wouldn’t feel right about keeping my positivity to myself. It wouldn’t be nice of me to keep it to myself when it has helped me so very much. So in the video below, I introduce myself to the TTC community, with such precious common ground, a smile and some positive thoughts and suggestions to make this time a little happier. I want to help in some way. Please let me know if I do. Even if it is just a smile in the corner of your mouth or a slightly happier heart?

As I said, I have taken such comfort from other people in the past few months. I would love for you to share this part of motherhood and my life with me. It would mean so much to know that you will come back to this space and to see you subscribe over on YouTube Channel. You can do that by clicking here. It’s nice to have people around right now x

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I anxiously sat on the wall outside of the doctors surgery, my head hung low and my legs swayed over the edge. Passers by looked up at me. They looked up at this grown woman with her hair shoved in to two braids, wearing her beloved off-white, incredibly scuffed converses and a small, brown backpack from Primark (where da kidz get their clothes)… I think she selected such a style because she didn’t have the strength to deal with this shit, almost as if she was mirroring somebody she used to be, a long time ago…before she had a care in the world. Honestly, I felt them look at me with pity in their eyes, almost with a little sadness. It made sense…because I felt sad and I obviously looked it. I had a ping of panic in my chest when I caught their glances… Like…Did they know that I had maybe ‘lost it’? Did they know what I didn’t want the doctor to tell me? What I would get down on my hands and knees and beg him not to say?!

Lost it? Like it was my purse. Lost it before I even had a chance to fall in love, mentally make room for it and to daydream about all of the wonderful things that come with keeping hold of it!

Keeping hold of it? Like I had peed on a stick and it had already changed my world. It wasn’t like that. I just thought that after another month of ‘sort of’ trying to conceive, we were unsuccessful. I thought that it was my period. I thought it was a very painful, very horrific period. After sitting on the toilet one evening for about an hour, waiting for the blood to stop trickling… I thought things weren’t right. I blamed my age. I blamed turning thirty. I blamed hormone changes. I blamed being really busy at work. I blamed stress. Eventually I popped a painkiller once it had eased and tried to throw myself back into the chaos and loveliness of the summer holidays. It lasted about four days. I tried to forget.

A couple of days ago and a week and a half after my ‘period’ had stopped…the blood came back and I felt afraid. As a mum and as a woman.

And that is why I sat on the wall outside of the doctors surgery, letting the gentle breeze wash over me as I tried to feel brave.

And the doctor said, ‘It sounds like you lost it!…we’ll do a pregnancy test and get you booked in for an ultrasound to find out why you are bleeding right now! We’ll find out if you are pregnant..or more likely…were?! We’ll find out if there is anything left! We’ll find out if there is something wrong! Okay?’

I said ‘Okay!’…but was it? Was I?

Miscarriage isn’t the only reason that a woman could be bleeding like this after all, is it?

I picked up my sample pot, flashed the doc a sweet, fake smile, stood up on my heavy legs and walked from the room after I frantically tried to push the door that said pull… In bold.

I haven’t cried. I feel numb. Alone. Ever so scared.

I hope that I am healthy. I always endeavour to be.

I don’t really know what to feel.

I know that waiting is hard.

And…

I definitely know that I’m scared of leaving my children too soon.

I  know that I want the blood to stop.

I don’t want my mind to keep going there. I have to be okay.

I don’t know what I want from you?!

To wish me luck? Think of me, perhaps?

Maybe I’ll just say thanks for being there for me! Thanks for letting me get this out!

It really is nice of you.

Love, Ria x

• This post was written on the 28th of August. My pregnancy test was negative but I am still awaiting an ultrasound. The blood has stopped so even though I still don’t know much, I feel more positive.

 

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Pregnancy Poem

Hellooooo Everyone (Yep still feels odd!)


Today’s Blog may be a little long Guys and it wasn’t the one I was really planning but I couldn’t not put it on here today.


 As you may know I have two children, I love them both equally in very different ways because they are both unique (Obviously!) but today I wanted to write about my first born Son. His name is Noah and he is 4 years old, nearly five (he can not wait to be five!).


 I had Noah when I was just 22… some say still a baby myself, I disagree. Noah and I are very close, we have a great relationship. Regardless of how young I was, I had already decided what I wanted for Noah, myself and our relationship since before he was born. I could not wait to meet him!


This morning I have watched him closely, the way he independently manoeuvres around, his confidence, his humour. He has truly grown in to a lovely little boy and I’m not just saying that because he is mine. 


This got me thinking about a poem I wrote when I was carrying him. It is by no means perfect, I’m not a poet… BUT… it came from my heart and when I read it, it takes me back to a scary time, the anticipation of how much my life would change, the overwhelming love, the self doubt, the overwhelming love again and  the overwhelming love AGAIN (Yikes, I am soppy aren’t I?!)


So, here it is (I hope you make it to the end and I hope you enjoy it!).

God’s Gift

Sometimes my mind wonders, to future, present and past

I think of all the days when life went by so fast

I think of places I have been and people I have met

Lazy summers, exotic places, dancing in the rain and getting wet

 

Life is all about the living, every single day

So that when you get older, you have lots of things to say

Life is all about embracing, each and every part

It’s something to believe in, so hope can fill your heart

 

Life is a gift to cherish, the good and any flaws

Things happen for a reason and always opens doors

I used to think I knew it all, fate had a different view

It turned my world upside down, the reason only God knew

 

I said goodbye to a life I thought was destiny

I came across a fairytale, that’s where I met Daddy

He became my hero, he saved me in a way

God had shown his plan to me, we were meant to meet that day

 

Our love grew very quickly, my heart quickly fell

We were each others everything, we were in a spell

He held me tightly, made me smile, made me feel so safe

I felt the world slow right down, in his sweet embrace

 

Our fairytale carried on through summer and the cold

He made me feel so beautiful, when I was in his hold

I opened up my heart to him, he gave his in return

Whenever I would see him, my heart would flutter and burn

 

One night he came to see me, I kissed him a hello

Alone that night, I found out something he should really know

I sat down across the room, he asked if I was okay

I said that life was changing, there was something I needed to say

 

He waited very patiently, a spark of worry in his eyes

I looked out of the window, to the stars up in the skies

A tear fell upon my cheek, I know what I had to do

I smiled from the bottom of my heart and said that God was giving us you

 

Ever since the day I knew, you were growing there inside

I have never felt love like it, I am beaming with pride

I beg that you be safe and grow healthy and strong

I really can’t wait to meet you, when you come along

 

I picture what you will look like, I can’t help but cry

An angel has blessed me from above, somewhere in the sky

I wonder what you will grow to be, I wonder what you will do

I just know whatever you become, I’ll always be proud of you

 

You are my inspiration to make every day so bright

Brighter than the stars shone, when I came about you that night

You make me want to be better, to be everything I can be

You are my something to believe in, you have set me free

 

I am free to have the courage, to be whatever you need

To take care of you and treasure you and say goodbye to greed

I am free to show you the world, near and far away

I want you to see it all, for that I’ll always pray

 

I’ll wish you see a mountain top and a peaceful stream

For the beauty that is the world, you should see it gleam

I hope you meet such people who show you life’s divide

I insist you understand life, from someone else’s side

 

I demand you live for the moments that really make you smile

To understand the seconds, that make your life worth while

I want for you to have belief and never live in fear

I need you to know wherever you are, for you I’ll always be here

 

Whenever your hour of sunshine becomes a rainy day

I’ll always be there to tell you that it will clear away

I’ll always be there to pick you up, if ever you should fall

I’ll always be there listening, if ever you should call

 

I’ll let you walk your footsteps, wherever you should roam

I want you to know, wherever I am will always be your home

You’ve made my world so colourful, you’ve made my dreams come true

The day God gave me a gift and the gift he gave was you.

 x Love Mummy x
If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading and I hope you could feel how much I meant every word… and still do. 

I would love to hear how you all felt pre-parenthood, feel now that you little ones are growing so quickly or just anything you want to share with me and tell me, I love hearing from you.

With Love, Ria x 

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