two months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexi two months with baby dexi two months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexi

Dear Dexi,

It makes me want to physically cry when I say it out loud that you are two months old. It feels like it actually hurts my heart. Just a couple of days ago, we were sat together, having a cuddle… You were asleep and I was as some would say, stuck beneath you. It was one of those times that I knew I wouldn’t be able to move or even breath too deeply because it would wake you. You’ve been a light sleeper since the day that you were born. The smallest sound will instantly wake you. Most days I try… try and place you gently in your sleepyhead or your moses basket to nap for an hour a couple of times a day, like your brother and sister used to. Heck… I’ve tried laying you in the centre of our bed, on the couch, on cushions on the floor and nothing will work. Nothing will settle you enough. As soon as you are not in my arms, you know. Sometimes it feels like even if you’re sleeping on my chest or in my loving arms, if I’m even thinking of moving you… your eyes will ping open, as if you had never fallen asleep… just to prevent me from moving. So anyway, on this day, I gave in. I just let you sleep on my chest, cozy, content and fast asleep. Your tiny body was heavy and your arms relaxed, weighty over my chest and draped at my sides. I was happy in that moment. I could smell your hair, I stroked your cheeks with one thumb and held one of your hands in mine. I watched your body rise and fall with each breath and noticed how much you had grown since I sat in that exact spot with you on the day that you were born. You had changed so much. Your face was much less squidgy and your arms and legs, not so scrawny. They had a healthy layer of fat covering them now which pleased me. In that moment, I looked around our living room… At the little trail of chaos that comes with taking care of a new baby. There was a bouncy chair, a sleepyhead pod, blankets, nappies, wipes, your change bag with the contents bulging out from when I had tried to find something, baby vests, baby grows, dummies (that you wouldn’t entertain because you only liked the green one with the hedgehog on it) and it just made me smile. It’s crazy how much mess one baby who relies on you for everything can make. But, my smile fell off of my face quite quickly if i’m honest. The reality of you growing up faster and faster every day darkened my thoughts. I looked around again and the thought of our living room not looking like this one day, full with your things from being new to the world, made me sad. The thought that one day our home would be neat and tidy, it upset me. And then I realised that I need to hold on to these baby days for dear life because they go by so fast and when they are gone, I will miss them… I will miss this… I will miss you like this, just as I do your big brother and sister.

Every day I wake up and look at you laying next to me in the bed and I still can not believe that you are mine, how lucky I am… how truly wonderful you are. I consciously try and notice everything about you. Every growth, every small change, every development. I have to know everything about you.

I don’t want to forget that at six weeks, you found your hands. You held your fists in front of your face, a look of such pride sat in your eyes because you had managed to get them up and keep them there. You stared so hard at them, overwhelmed by what was supposed to happen next and I could see your eyes cross and lose focus. I watched you concentrate so hard, for about a week until you figured out that you could do more with them. You think it is all kinds of wonderful when you wave your fists around like you are about to go twelve rounds in a boxing ring. You think it’s even better when you manage to knock a hanging toy, while laying on your play matt. Your eyes follow its movement and you love the noise it makes when that happens. Your favourite little toy is Crazy Croc right now. You stare at him for a long time. You are going to love punching him in the face over the next couple of months… in the most loving way of course.

I’ve watched your smile become a slight squeal which became your first small giggle this month. You have been able to better express just how happy you are. You think it is funny when you lay on the play mat and watch yourself in the mirror above you. I remember watching you giggle for the first time when you were laying there that day. You were so fascinated by your reflection… Not that I think for one second that you understood that was what it was… but you liked your happy little face looking back at you. We’ve named it ‘Mirror Friend’. Forty minutes you stayed there, smiling and squealing for the most part. From the first day when you were born, you were a baby who didn’t like to stay in one place for too long, easily growing bored… but not on the ‘laugh day’… that was special.

You have fallen in love with so many things this month… Other things apart from your family.

At only two months old, you have already been on two camping trips and the outdoors life is so obviously in your blood. You are happiest when outside and somewhat feral. Since then, you have changed the way that you feel about a comfortable rest in your Sleepyhead, opting for a nap on a camp chair in the garden instead. The breeze on your skin soothes you and the sun dancing over your face makes you instantly at ease.

You are fascinated and in awe of other children, especially your big brother and sister. You throw smiles at other children easily, eager to join in with them soon.

You have made friends with many fixtures in our home. The lights (Light Friend), a dream-catcher (Feather Friend), Curtains (Stripe Friend) and still, your old pal… the black and silver cushion (named ‘Friend’).

I don’t ever want to forget that, even as you’ve made so many ‘friends’… You don’t like anyone or anything more than you like me right now. I am your most favourite person in the whole, wide world still. I make jokes about it being because I have the milk and you are a hungry, growing boy… but actually it isn’t just that. I was reading something a couple of days ago and the truth of it, is that you still think that we are one person, a single entity, the same being. You don’t yet understand baby boy, that you are your own human. And for right now, that is the best thing that I could have ever read. It makes me feel excited about our bond and the difference that every song I sing to you makes. It makes me feel like I am cementing our relationship as mother and son that little more, every time I massage your hands and feet, speak to you for hours, with our faces almost touching so that you can see me clearly, tickle your feet gently, rub your back and stroke your tummy. I do all of these little things because I know that you love them. You kick, smile and squeal and I love it so much because I just want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy because I love you so much. You are worth every pair of tired arms from when I’ve danced the baby bop to get you to sleep, every puffy eye from another sleepless night, every back ache from where you have fallen asleep on my chest and I have stayed in the same awkward position for hours, just so you have enough rest. I wouldn’t have things any other way.

Some days, I still feel overwhelmed by my love for you. It is so fierce.

You make it ever so easy to love you too, sweetheart. Everybody loves Dexi. You have these big, smiling eyes that tell everyone exactly who you are and what  you are feeling. As you grow, they will be a blessing and a curse because you won’t be able to hide behind them. Your eyes will tell a thousand stories. Just like mine. Your eyes smile before your mouth does and they widen piercingly when you are worried about me leaving the room or when you hear a noise that startles you.

It’s funny to me, that for a baby with so much joy in his face, how much you make people work for a smile. You don’t throw them away easily. But when you do give them up, you have the most beautiful, gummy grin in the world and then there is no stopping you. It is so wonderful and so infectious.

You are wonderful… happy, playful and sweet.

And, I don’t know what I did to deserve you. My third blessing.

I love you, unconditionally

From, Mama x

P.S. Dexi, my darling… I made another little video for you to watch when you are older. I hope you like it as much as I do. Two months old looked beautiful on you and within your second month you changed so much each day… x

 

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one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi one month with baby Dexi

Dear Dexi,

There is so much that I want to say to you, about your first month with me, with your family who love and adore everything about you. I’m so happy to have ‘officially’ met you. I waited for what felt like a lifetime to have you in my arms, to be able to stroke your beautiful face and to kiss you. You will never know what this month has meant to me. You have been everything to all of us. We have fallen over each other, to keep you from crying, to make sure that you are never sad… We have done everything in our power to make you happy, content… and to hopefully make you feel as loved as you truly are.

We have fallen in love with you. Head over heels in love. You have been kissed constantly. Noah wants to hold you all of the time and just the other day, I caught Ellenah telling you that when I’m out of the room, she will be your mother. Daddy coos over you, he’s very proud. And then there is me. I am your actual mother. I gave birth to you in our bathroom and from the moment that you were flung into my arms and I looked into your eyes, I knew that I would do anything to protect you… I knew that I would die for you. Even writing it.. I can feel a surge of emotion rush through me, a feeling too strong for words to describe… It’s an energy, a decision, a promise… and that tells me how much I mean it. I really mean it Dex.

You have grown so much this month. Your face has already changed. It is growing into your features. Your big, blue eyes especially. I could lose myself for days looking into those. They are just like Ellenah’s. And your nose and lips… So much like Noah. At the same time, I see everything Dexter James… a perfect, little human… With a face that takes my breath away. A face full of purity, innocence, goodness and hope. A face that despite the similarities of your siblings, I have never seen before. You are one of a kind. Unique. Different. Special. Please remember this as you grow up. Be proud for exactly those reasons.

I have spent many hours over this month just looking at you. I’ve held you in my arms and out in front of me so that I could get a proper look. I’ve felt you get that little bit heavier, that little longer… I’ve felt the shape of you change. At one month old, it has become harder holding you out in front of me without lifting up your legs to make you fit. The mottled skin that comes with being a newborn baby has disappeared and in its place, it is fair, flawless and ever so soft. In those first days, your limbs were long and gangly and now, there is a little layer of fat that covers you. You look healthy and thriving. You are content and well fed. You love that I feed you myself and so do I. It is our special time throughout each day when we just stop and exist together. It is still, peaceful and kind of wonderful. I find it so beautiful. I hope that I never forget the way that you look up at me while you rest there to feed. You look into my eyes so intensely, like you never want me to go anywhere. In the first days, while you were still small enough to balance on a cushion while latched on… You would hold onto my thumb and little finger with both of your hands. Over the course of this month, you stopped needing to do that as you grew in confidence and the world seemed much less scary.

I’m still holding on to a few things from your first days. Like the way that when you are tired, you ball your hands into fists and pull them up to your chest, both tucked under your chin. And, when you are sleeping, you lay with your arms stretched out above your head. This makes me happy because a lady who was cooing over you in your pram told me that this means you are content and happy… and that is what I desperately want for you in this world.

You are already so loving Dexi. You always want to be cuddled, held, talked and sang to. You don’t like to fall asleep alone and you will not sleep unless I am right there by your side. As you lay beside me in the night, I have woken up to you, just watching me sleep. You haven’t made a sound, you have just watched. Knowing that I am there is all you need. Those are the nights that we lay awake together… Still high from finally being in the world together. And it’s not just you baby boy. I can’t sleep unless you are by my side either. I miss you on the occasions that I have turned over, facing away from you… and after dreaming of sleeping on my stomach again throughout my pregnancy, I still haven’t managed it. Even that feels too far away from you, for right now. Throughout the day, you don’t nap for more than five minutes, you hate the car seat and you’re not that keen on your pram. The sling is a game changer though. If I wear you, you would sleep, tucked up close to my heart, probably all day and you love it when I sing a song called ‘ When I’m with you’ over and over again.

You love being outside. You love watching the wind blow through the trees, the fresh air on your skin… All of the sounds. You loved our camping holiday. You were relaxed, sleepy and calm. The tent life suited you, so did being snuggled in a blanket with me around the camp fire and so did Daddy wearing you around the lake while he fished with your big brother and your big cousin. You didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there… because you were safe, protected and exactly where you wanted to be.

You snore, you kick your legs in excitement, you squeeze sounds from your mouth  and you can officially smile now because you are happy. Ahh, your smile… now that IS special. You don’t give them up too easily and you save them for those who you recognise and love. When you let your smile shine though, it brightens up my life. It is the perfect, beautiful, gummy smile. You don’t only smile with your mouth though, Darling boy, you smile with your eyes too… and that is what I love most about it. You smile with your whole face, with everything you have, from the pit of your stomach.

I almost can’t believe that I’m talking about your smiles though… the things we’ve been up to, what you are like…who you are. How are you already one month old? How have we already got here?

I have truly loved everything about this time with you so far. Even the things that I’m not supposed to like as a new mama. The sleepless nights, feeling exhausted, the poo-explosions, the figuring everything out, like what each cry means… I love it all. I have thrown myself into this new normal, as a mama of three children and you have become a part of our team so perfectly. You fit like a glove, like the missing puzzle piece. We had been waiting for you and you were so worth the wait.

I made a little video for you Dexi, a keepsake of some of the precious moments that I have captured from your first month in this big, wide world. I haven’t been able to watch it back yet without tears building up behind my eyes. It makes me too emotional. I feel such overwhelming love, I feel like it is going to knock me off of my feet. Noah and Ellenah like to watch it too, they get the same tears behind their eyes as I do. We’re a sensitive bunch. They are so proud of you, their baby brother. They are in awe of every single thing that you do and they have loved watching you live all of these moments in real life, with me. I’m looking forward to capturing much and many more. The quirky things that you do, your milestones and all of the cuteness that comes with the territory of being Dexter, the coolest baby around.

I am so glad that you are here with us sweet boy. I’m so happy that you are safe and sound and that you are you. You are absolutely perfect to me, in every way. Thank you for making my heart grow even bigger, for reminding me that hearts are wonderful and that they can always make room. This month has been everything that I hoped it would be and more. I am excited to love you unconditionally, to raise you, to guide you and to be on your side…always.

I love you, so very much,

From, Mama x

 

 

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Baby Dexter's Birth Day

I am so proud to FINALLY announce the safe arrival of our beautiful baby boy. His name is Dexter James Langner and he was born at 1.55am on Tuesday 4th July (USA’s Independence Day). He weighed a whopping 8lb 9oz and was born in our tiny bathroom, at home. He has been absolutely incredible and a dream come true. Noah and Ellenah absolutely adore him and he has stolen all of our hearts. It is insane how much time you lose just staring at your newborn… but, I wouldn’t class a single second of it as wasted.

I am going to be writing a detailed account of his birth story here on the blog over the next few days… or as soon as I can steal myself away from our newborn bliss for enough time to do it justice. So watch out for that if you enjoy a birth story as much as I do.

Until then, I will leave you with the video of our positive, empowering home birth for Baby Dex. I can’t watch this back without wanting to cry. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life. I still have to pinch myself to check that it all really happened. It was just so lovely, so perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

And, Dex is just so wonderful. Worth the wait. Worth the pain. Worth it all x

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This is absolutely one of the video’s that I am most proud of making. Not only did it feel amazing to share the wonderful news of the sex of our baby but it brings back memories of such a lovely day. A day when I felt like a beautiful, glowing pregnant woman. The way that every woman growing a human deserves to feel.

x

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