One of the Channel Mum topics this month was to talk about Baby Names. Why we named our children what we did, the reasoning behind them and maybe any other names that we may like. And this is a topic which I was very excited about. Matt and I love the idea of another baby, one day. We can but hope that we will be blessed with a third little cherub to add to ‘Team Langner’- that is something that we know, something that we both agree on. Names however, well… that is a completely different story. During both of my pregnancies, I would search for hours on end for the perfect names to send our children out in to the world with. And… One by one, Matt would obliterate them all… Then offer up the most ridiculous joke names that he could think up. He thought he was funny.…

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It was raining. All day. Our plans for a garden party, to send our niece off to university in style, were looking less likely. We checked in with the weather forecast that told us it was brightening up. We looked outside. Heavy rain. We waited. We deliberated. We remained hopeful that the empty promises would show up for us after all. We catered for thirty- something. A gorgeous, continental feast waited in bags while we ran around in the heavy rain, fixing fairy lights into the trees and hanging bunting all around. It was literally raining on our parade, ‘pissing it down’ all over our vision. And we checked the weather again. It was meant to be brighter by now. It was meant to have stopped. But the rain fell, straight down…No messing about, with the lone intention of making everything wet and ruined. And still, ┬álike mad women, my…

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So as I sit here, tapping away, I’m in a daze over the ‘Going Away To University’ party that we threw for my niece on Saturday night, the night out to The Ballet to watch ‘Romeo and Juliet’ on Tuesday and because I am sick with a cold. I feel happy, excited, inspired and awful, all at the same time. And it is atrociously and disgustingly amazing. So much has been going on lately that I almost failed at my first hurdle, to write this post and to commit to my blog and YouTube channels, once and for all. I almost failed… but I didn’t. I didn’t because I have found the importance of my place on the internet, once again. I hold my hands up and have realised that at this point in my life, I need it the most. It wasn’t exactly here, as I have dabbled in…

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Ellenah starting school is naturally something that I want to remember. Something that I would like her to look back on and remember too. So I tried my hardest to capture as much of the day as I could in a vlog (on my second channel). This new chapter for us both has at times made me feel afraid, made me feel sad, made me feel awfully strange…As bittersweet as it is, I am truly excited for her. I am excited about being a part of this new adventure for her. I’m excited for the school plays, school projects, school trips that I will nominate myself to chaperone…The school disco’s, church service’s and sports days. In years to come, I want her to know that we chose a place that we believe to be right for her. A place that will make her happy. A place that she will enjoy…

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I anxiously sat on the wall outside of the doctors surgery, my head hung low and my legs swayed over the edge. Passers by looked up at me. They looked up at this grown woman with her hair shoved in to two braids, wearing her beloved off-white, incredibly scuffed converses and a small, brown backpack from Primark (where da kidz get their clothes)… I think she selected such a style because she didn’t have the strength to deal with this shit, almost as if she was mirroring somebody she used to be, a long time ago…before she had a care in the world. Honestly, I felt them look at me with pity in their eyes, almost with a little sadness. It made sense…because I felt sad and I obviously looked it. I had a ping of panic in my chest when I caught their glances… Like…Did they know that I…

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