To my beautiful boy, Noah – On the Eve of your eighth birthday

As Noah Turns Eight

These letters are becoming harder to write each year, without breaking apart. Some people say that you are most emotional as a mother, when your children are babies and the moments fly by so quickly. I find each year that you turn a new age much harder. Back when you were a baby, you needed me for everything. I was the centre of your whole world. You didn’t question me. You didn’t question yourself. You didn’t need much else, other than me and my time. The older you get and with each birthday, I can see the look in your eyes… that need for more. You want more freedom. You want to experience more. You crave life and you want to explore all of the things that you are capable of, all of the things that you can do. You are trying so hard to establish your independence… You need me much less.

As Noah Turns Eight

I know that you still need me. As always, you will cuddle me and show me affection, every single day. I really am lucky for that and for you. You are and I don’t doubt always will be a loving little boy, a lovely human. But in this past year, I have noticed that when I say goodbye to you at the school gates, you have started to run ahead, happy to wave a goodbye but will gently avoid a kiss goodbye in front of your friends. This past year, you decided to ditch your book bag with the school emblem on it, opting for a backpack which you tell me is much cooler. You’ve started to use wax in your hair some days and you care about which clothes you wear too. You know how to fix a puncture and you’ve recently learned how to cook an egg on a cooker made out of baked bean tins.

As Noah Turns Eight

You are not a baby anymore, are you? You don’t tend to play the role for my benefit anymore. You are growing up fast. You are changing in front of my eyes.

I often reach out to hold your hand as we walk together, wanting to swing your arms with mine like we used to when you were tiny. Every now and again, you will let me…but you don’t stay there for very long before you get itchy feet and feel that need to run or walk ahead. I watch you as you go, making up games, using your imagination. And I do love it. I love watching you have fun… it makes my heart and soul very happy.

As Noah Turns Eight

Last weekend, we went to a summer fair at your cousin’s school. I saw you watch your bigger cousin, running around with his friends, being that bit older than you. I could see that you were jealous. I could see that you wanted to go with him. I could tell you thought he was having a lot more fun, than you. I kept you close to me, not to stray far away at all. My heart panicked if you had fallen just steps behind and I couldn’t see you. I’m struggling to let you go at all. Struggling to let you grow up. I tried so hard to keep you… to almost tell you that you were having more fun walking around with me and your little sister. But you weren’t, were you? I could see that look in your eyes and I made myself be brave. I was shaking as I said it… but I told you that you could go off with your cousin but you had to stay with him at all times. I knew that everywhere you went in the school grounds, I could see you… watch you. It still felt difficult to let you be away from me though. When I said it, your eyes grew wide… you couldn’t even believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. You are so used to me being cautious, over-protective… possibly a bit of a control freak and an advocate of organised fun. You smiled at me like you never have before…and off you ran. I didn’t have to tell you twice. I did watch you though Noah. I didn’t take my eyes off of you. It was weird seeing you out of arms reach, laughing and being perfectly fine without me. So endearing though. This was you. This was how you socialised. This was you responding to other children, away from my watchful eye…or so you thought (baby steps, okay?)… And, you were absolutely fine. Sensible, free ¬†and so happy.

I am trying Noah, to change alongside you. To keep up. This will never be an easy part of being your mama, please know that. Please accept that about me and understand, it is because I love you so very much. Protecting you, nurturing you… these are the things that I understand most about raising you. Everything else feels like scary territory. Like you once did, I have to learn to crawl before I can walk and walk before I can run.

As Noah Turns Eight

We are absolute best friends beautiful boy… but I am your mama first. That is a role that comes with a fierce maternal instinct to keep you safe, do what is best for you always and to love you unconditionally. The year ahead of us is going to push and pull me so far out of my comfort zone, it’s going to leave me dizzy. BUT, we will challenge the balance and all of the madness that comes with you growing up and getting older…and we will do it together.

As Noah Turns Eight

Tomorrow, you are going to be eight years old, I just cant believe it. It only feels like five minutes ago that I was writing the first one of these letters. I was gushing about how you had learned to pretend sneeze…and it was just one of the adorable things that came with having a one year old. That was a long time ago now. So much has changed since then. You have changed. I have changed. One thing that never changes though, is how much my heart expands each year, How much my love for you grows with it and how proud of you I am. You surprise me constantly with your charm, wit and spirit and you make me smile every single day. You really are my sunshine and you always will be.

As Noah Turns Eight

Happy 8th Birthday for tomorrow Noah, I hope your day is as special as you are.

I love you, more and most,

From Mama x x x

 

Follow:

A Letter To My Unborn Baby

Dear Baby Boy,

I know that it must sound strange, when I say this out loud, but… I’m certain that I already know you. I feel like I know who you are, what you will be like. I know it sounds weird, maybe? I don’t claim to be psychic or to know things that I have no way of knowing yet. Not usually anyway. But… I am so sure about this. I’m so sure about you.

We’ve been getting to know each other for almost forty weeks now. That’s a long time. You can probably feel what I am feeling before I have understood my emotions myself. You, the little baby boy, ever so comfortable in the pit of my stomach where a lot of my decisions are decided upon. You, who has rested within my tired body at the end of each day. Tired from sickness, pelvic girdle pain or simple fatigue. Fatigue from being a mother to your brother and sister. Two people who are ever so excited to meet you and to love you forever. You, who has made my heart grow bigger than I ever imagined possible, at the same time as growing my body to be the perfect place and size for you to stay a while.

Pregnancy has been hard for me but being with you all of this time, has been one of the easiest, most lovely things that I could ever do. You will forever be a part of me now, even when you are out here in the world with me. Being your mother is easier to me than breathing. Words will never truly describe the overwhelming, unconditional love that comes with you being my son.

Our time as one person will be coming to an end soon. In just days, you could be a human being in this big, wide world. It might seem scary to you when you are out here. There are a lot of people and sometimes, it isn’t always easy for everyone to get along. But, it is a beautiful place and you are being born in to a family who adore you and want for you to see the good, be the good, be the change and to have the happiest life. Please know this though… I am and will always be your home. Always!

As your mama, I wish for so many things for you. Things that years ago, I probably would never have thought to say. We live in a world whereby the lines are often blurred. People mistake success and true happiness by how much money they have, how many holidays they have had and how important they think that they are. Please don’t accept that!

Please never be defined by money. Some of the happiest people in the world have nothing and would still give away the last of anything they have. Please always choose love over gold. If you have empathy and kindness in your heart, you have made it.

Please have heart in all of the things that you do. Don’t follow the crowd when it comes to travel… Or at all if you can help it. You will never truly get to know a place from a sun lounger. Go off of the beaten track. Open your eyes and see how people live. Learn. Explore. Always say yes to adventure. Feed your soul with life.

Please don’t ever think that if one day in your life, you are collecting coffee for a CEO somewhere, that he or she is more important than you. Never think that anyone is better than you. Never let anyone tell you that they are. They are not. Please Son, if you are ever the CEO…treat everyone as you would want them to treat you, never expect someone to do something that you aren’t prepared to do and always remember that you need to be kind to the people on your way up, you could just as easily meet them again on the way back down. You are no better than the next person.

BUT, we are all different and that is a good thing. Diversity is a good thing, something to celebrate. In your life, you might hear the phrase ‘divide and conquer’… That isn’t a good thing. Please always try and remember that we aren’t meant to be alone. We aren’t meant to be by ourselves. Be someone who makes the word ‘united’ mean something. Treat people like they matter because they do. Everyone has thoughts, feelings and you can’t judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes…and even then, it isn’t your place to.

Oh baby boy… there is so much more that I want to say to you, to tell you… but for right now, I am going to treasure these last days of carrying you in my body. As excited as I am to meet you and as much as I am looking forward to everything that is to come, don’t come out until you are ready. You have time and I will always be that mama that wishes time would slow down because my children grow up so fast…So don’t let me rush you now!

Just know this… When the sound of my beating heart gives you comfort, peace and you can feel my love rush around you as you wiggle and lay down to sleep in there… Out here, when the time is right for you… You will never feel more loved. I will hold you in my arms and watch you sleep for hours and I will give you everything that you could ever possibly need. Your family have made space for you and you are so wanted. I can’t imagine that you will ever feel alone. I know that you won’t be. And out here, whenever you lay your sleepy head down to rest, you will still feel my love rush around you… and Daddy’s… and Noah’s… and Ellenah’s.

I love you little bumpy and I look forward to being able to look in to your beautiful eyes and tell you that in person soon.

From Mama x

Follow:

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

Dear Ellenah,

Mama is now 37+4 weeks pregnant with your baby brother. Time will soon close on your promotion, how does that feel? For a long time, Daddy and I thought that you would be the baby of the family and now, you are going to be a big sister. It’s funny that you are my most feisty, strong-willed and sassy child and I am knowingly making you my ‘middle child’. I know that some people think I must be mad for doing so. But I can’t wait to see you shine brightly between your two brothers.

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

I can see how you will be the bossy, stubborn and sometimes sly, little sister to Noah and the protective, nurturing and incredibly gentle big sister to your baby brother. You are going to grow and change in the most wonderful ways over the next couple of years. I can already see how much you love him and you haven’t officially met yet. You will learn so much about yourself and we will learn so much about you too. Being a sister to both of them is going to really allow your personality to take shape, be well rounded, spark your empathy and compassion… All while remaining the sweetest little girl, who we know, love and adore.

I don’t worry about you getting lost in the midst of ‘Team Langner’. You are everything that comes with the quote ‘Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce’. You will never be left out, pushed aside or in any way, loved less. You bring too much happiness, joy, comedy and spirit to our gang. There is nothing invisible about you.

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

Being from a big family and having three big sisters, my biggest support network… I did have the fleeting worry that you would not have one. I wondered who you would lean on when you want to talk about boys as you grow up, or to talk about how your friendship group has changed…How you are feeling when you think that nobody understands. I wondered who would be your maid of honour at your wedding if that is ever a path you choose. I tormented myself with the reality that you wouldn’t have anyone to ‘girl talk’ with late in to the night.

And then I realised…You have me. And suddenly, you being my only girl became something very special. I realised how far we have come and how close we are and not only that…how open we are with each other already. We have a special opportunity for our bond to become even tighter, if that is even possible. I realised that I would happily stay up, late into the night talking about your life with you. Be that about boys, your friends, your body as it changes… and I will always try and understand how you are feeling. I will always listen. I dream about the girly shopping trips that we will take, trips to the spa that we will hustle daddy to pay for and trips to the theatre. And even though I will be too old for ‘maid of honour’ status… wild horses couldn’t keep me away from coming with you to choose and pay for your wedding dress. Most importantly, I will be right by your side, lifting you up, being your biggest cheerleader through childhood, teenage years and growing into a woman. I will be there watching you choose your dreams. I will be there to help you chase them and I have no doubt in my mind that when walls stand between you and reaching them… I will be there to watch you crash through them.

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

A new chapter is unfolding very soon my darling… and I can’t wait to see you throw yourself into it. You are not just a middle child Ellenah…You are my child. My daughter. And I love you!

Love, Mama x

Follow:

Noah and pregnancy with baby number thr
Written at 34 weeks pregnant… when I didn’t feel like I was doing very well

 

Dear Noah,

There are so many things that I want to say to you in this moment. I want to tell you how proud of you, how grateful, how in awe of you I am. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of you right now though, is the words ‘I’m so sorry!’. I feel this deep, aching need in my heart to hold on to you so tightly and to apologise over and over again until I’m certain that you have heard me.

I’ve never wanted you to have to accept this version of your mama, to understand her, to be so fiercely loyal to her. I’m not proud to be her and I don’t really know how you can look at me like you do. Like I’m the best thing since sliced bread.

But, you do!

Everyday, you wipe the slate clean. You show up. You smile at me. You encourage me. You love me. You love me even harder lately, I can feel it. It’s almost as if you are loving me harder because you know that I am struggling to love myself.

I am sorry Son! Ever since I became a mother… Your mother, I have wanted you to see me as this ‘perfect’ person, this wonderful woman who can do no wrong. I’ve wanted you to put me on a pedestal. I’ve wanted you to hold me in high regard and to hold me in your heart as someone who will never falter.

And now I’m scared that even though you tell me every day without fail, that I am the best mum in the world… You may not really think so anymore. Now that it has become so obvious that I am just a human being. Just a person. Now that I have faltered. Now that I have shown you that I am so very far from being perfect.

Every day you somehow manage to tell me that I am your beautiful mama. Everyday you kiss my belly, your little brother and you talk to him… so excited for him to be here with us all. You don’t show envy towards him. You don’t show resentment, for the times I have been forced to put him first. As someone who loves you with everything I am… It has hurt me to have to do that. To make a choice to lay down and rest so I don’t fall down…rather than to play with you in the garden. You have taken 34 weeks (so far) of my choices and needs in your stride, constantly reminding me that I am pregnant and I need to relax. You are an old soul and you have such kindness in your heart. So much love and empathy. You have shown how truly selfless you can be and I don’t think words could ever express what that means to me.

Noah and pregnancy with baby number thr

I’m sorry that you have had to see me struggle, to walk and to cope with sickness. I’m sorry that I’ve had to ask you to wait, for things and for me. I’m sorry that I have become someone who has made you learn about how patient you can be and are. I just want you to be a child. I just want you to have fun. I don’t want you to learn all of your lessons now. You have time.

I have found myself saying to you a lot lately, that there isn’t long left, that in a few weeks your baby brother will be here. I have implied that as if by magic, you will have me back, as I was. As you remember. As I remember. And it doesn’t phase you. You look at me like I’m mad, like nothing has changed…and then you carry on talking about life after, with your new baby brother.

Can it be that you haven’t noticed how badly I’m doing? Can it be that I’m carrying the heavy burden of this mum guilt on my shoulders, every second of every day and you are actually okay?

Are you happy Noah? I desperately hope that you are.

You are going to be such an amazing brother to your baby brother. Even though you bicker and rough and tumble with her, I’ve seen how great you already are to Ellenah. You are perfect proof of how a heart can grow and how much love one can hold.

Noah and pregnancy with baby number thr

We are all so blessed to have you in our lives. So lucky to have you brightening every day with your beautiful spirit and energy. Apart from saying a world of sorry’s… I also want to say the biggest thank you.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for smiling every day. Thank you for trying your hardest at school. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for being resilient. Thank you for your acceptance. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for loving me back, unconditionally. Thank you for the spring in your step. Thank you for the cuddles. Thank you for the bump love. Thank you for being so considerate. Thank you for being mine.

Noah and pregnancy with baby number thr

Thank you for being a daily reminder that even when things feel tough and I don’t feel like I have very much confidence left within myself at all… I did something so right and so perfect. I raised one incredible little boy. I love watching you shine bright and be exactly everything that makes up who you are.

Thank you for being a daily reminder that there is good in every day… simply because you are in it.

I love you,

Mama x

 

 

Follow:

Dear Ellenah, You Are Five

Dear Ellenah, my beautiful little girl.

This is long over due. On the evening before each of your birthday’s, I will write you a letter… but on the evening before your fifth birthday, I couldn’t make it happen. I’m really sorry Sweetheart, it wasn’t because I don’t care. It wasn’t because you are not important. It wasn’t because I had forgotten. It was the most important thing for me to do that day but the best I could do was to write down my thoughts in the notes on my phone, hoping that this day would come. This day when I would be able to string together the sentences to better communicate exactly what it is that I want to say to you.

And just over two months late, I have found the right day.

Turning five is a big deal. I can’t remember anything about my fifth birthday but I can remember the feeling of turning five. Your big brother was impatient to get to this age too. It’s the age where things change. It’s the age that you have really started to show the little girl that you are becoming. The petite, inquisitive and sassy little diva that storms through each day with that beautiful smile and sharp wit. You are our delightful chaos. Forever known as ‘Hurricane Bella Roo’.

You are bold and fearless. You are strong-willed and spirited. You are everything that I could ever want in a little girl. You are a pleasure to raise. You challenge me in ways that nobody else can. You question me and you make me question the world around me… Everything and everyone in it. You seem to simply know things that it takes some of us years to understand. You make no apology for being exactly as you are and I love that about you.

Dear Ellenah, You Are Five

Some days I look at you and I see so much of myself. You smile like me. You run like me. You perform like me and you believe in the world like me. Other days, I look at you and see someone who I want to be. Brave, certain and rambunctious.

This past year, you have started to show what matters to you, who you love dearly and how you like to go about your day. You like your space… Alone time is very important to you. It is part of what enables you to be creative which is one of your biggest strengths. You communicate your real feelings clearly and never try and adapt your mood to anyone else’s expectation of you. I respect that about you.

Dear Ellenah, You Are Five

To be honest, as with each passing year and the bigger and more charismatic you get… there never feels to me like enough words in the world that can fully sum up just how wonderful I think you are. Just how much I love you, from the bottom of my proud mama heart.

It has just been so much fun, getting to know each side of you with each passing moment. To see such beautiful sweetness to your sassy. To see such kindness in your heart that balances out your strong will. To see you shine bright and bring out the brightness and light in those around you, those who have fallen in love with you for everything that you are and for the blessing that you are to this world.

I love how much you love snails and how you will always move them if they are in harms way, no matter how much it’s raining. I love how conscious you are of protecting the planet and our daily conversations about throwing our litter away. I love watching you play, watching your imagination soar. I love listening to you make up little songs about the things that you find important. I love watching you dance like mama used to. I love your dirty laugh and how bright red your cheeks turn when you find something really funny.

I love the way that you make every day better.

I love the way that you make me better.

Love, Mama x

Follow: