Teacher Envy

I saw her black, patent shoes first. One still flashes. The other, only does sometimes.

Her cheeky, little face peered around some legs and her eyes searched for mine in the crowd of open-armed mama’s. The mama’s waiting for their favourite, little humans to clamber bulkily out of the classroom door. Book bags and lunch boxes hooked over arms. Sweaters and cardigans scrunched up in to a ball in their sweaty palms.

Ellenah held onto her things tightly and stepped forward hesitantly. Her eyes were open wide and lips pressed together, in anticipation to find me.  She shuffled on her feet, eyes scouting the crowd.

And then our eyes met.

This has quickly become my favourite part of the day. Meeting my little people again, after hours apart…Hours of being by myself, keeping busy and trying not to miss them.

Anyway… Our eyes met again and within seconds, she was in my arms, smiling…happy.

Today she showed me a picture that she spent time drawing at school. It was a little, smiley girl and a taller one , with big hair and another happy face.

I had seen this picture a lot over the Summer. It was when Ellenah discovered her love of drawing pictures of us together. Pictures of us in the park, us in the sea, us when we went camping, us having a picnic… Us everywhere, together.

Except when I asked about this picture, I was told that it wasn’t me in it. It was Ellenah…and her teacher. Shall we call her ‘Miss Mum Replacement Wonderful’.

And… It was like taking a bullet.

I remember this feeling, when Noah started school. I know that I have worse to come. The whole ‘My Teacher Said…’ malarkey.

I hated it all then and I hate it now. I’m not in the slightest a jealous person by nature. I can usually find the happiness in most things. This though, it made my heart hurt a little. I felt ‘Teacher Envy’ rise up and burn my chest.

And, it’s crazy to admit it but the idea that Ellenah likes another woman more than she likes me, is horrid. The idea that she searches for her face throughout the day, for comfort… or anything. I can’t stand it.

I don’t want to feel this insecure.

I don’t want to feel sad that ‘Miss Wonderful’ gets to see how happy Ellenah is when she feels proud of herself. I don’t want her to see Ellenah’s beautiful face light up at story time. I don’t want her to be pulled in, as part of my girls’ games.

Of course, none of this is true either.

I want Ellenah to be so unbelievably happy at school. I want her to tell me lovely things about her day. I want her face to light up because Miss Wonderful gave her a sticker for tidying up, good listening… sharing and I want her to feel cared about while she is there. A home away from home… Almost.

So… I’ll have to hold on to the weight of her as she falls in to my arms at the end of the school day. And when it isn’t raining, we’ll walk as slowly as we can so that she can tell me and her big brother about her lovely teacher, her lovely day and her lovely moments away from us.

And we will share it all with her, every step of the way.

And I will be the best mama that I can be to her, always. Every second of the day.

We will love each other unconditionally.

Teacher Envy

So when I think about it, there is no competition, is there?

Everything is actually wonderful as it should be.

With Love, Ria x

P.S. Has this happened to you? How did it make you feel? x

 

 

 

 

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One of the Channel Mum topics this month was to talk about Baby Names. Why we named our children what we did, the reasoning behind them and maybe any other names that we may like. And this is a topic which I was very excited about.

Matt and I love the idea of another baby, one day. We can but hope that we will be blessed with a third little cherub to add to ‘Team Langner’- that is something that we know, something that we both agree on.

Names however, well… that is a completely different story.

During both of my pregnancies, I would search for hours on end for the perfect names to send our children out in to the world with. And… One by one, Matt would obliterate them all… Then offer up the most ridiculous joke names that he could think up. He thought he was funny. I didn’t so much.

Strangely though, as I finished editing my video where I talk about the names that I chose and the names that I like, Matt did suggest a beautiful boys name which I have never considered before. I think if we were ever lucky enough to have another boy, he would have a name. For now though, that name will remain a secret.

Names have always fascinated me. The responsibility to pick a good one is something that weighs heavily on any mother-to-be. You want to give your child the best chance at opportunities, making friends easily and to like who they are completely, right?

Let’s take my name for example! My name is Ria. While I like that my name spells ‘air’ backwards and that it is a little unique… I was named after the old lady from ‘Butterflies’ who couldn’t cook and wasn’t a particularly happy soul. My name also left me wide open to playground torment, since I can remember.

So I guess what I would like to know is, what names do you like? And why? And even though you like them, would you use them?

With Love, Ria x

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Sometimes things happen that stop you in your tracks, right? Sometimes things happen that make you feel a little unsteady, forced to prioritise and a little like you are just about keeping your head above water. Well… As you may know, lately I have been on the verge of a New Chapter. Ellenah has started school and as amazing as it has been for us both to search Pinterest each night so that she can choose next days hair and to constantly take photographs of her in the morning before she trots off happily…Normal hasn’t yet started! All of the extracurricular clubs have started back up which have kept us busy but Els is still not in school full time. This week she is staying a little longer and her cute, little Disney Princess lunch bag goes with her each morning. As of right now, I still get to keep hold of her in the afternoons to play together. This does mean though, I have had to change my shift pattern to complement her settling period in school and because I don’t like to write and create too much when she is around (because this time together will run out in a few days and I want to make the most of her)… I haven’t been able to sit here, at my desk with a brew (and by that I mean the coldest beverage I can find as I write this in the 31 degrees heat…In Autumn??) to write and to give myself to anything that isn’t my children at this time.

I’m currently trying to focus on creating a new back to school routine that works for us. Like many Mama’s, I have to find a way to make sure that homework is done, we have read together enough and they are attending their clubs…all of this as well as ensuring that they are enjoying their childhood. Always in the back of my mind, i’m reminding myself that this is their time. My main priority is to help them shine in all that they want to do and achieve… and shine with happiness from their beautiful little souls.

That is how I envisioned motherhood. That is what I strive for. They will always come first!

Next week, it will all change once again. Ellenah will be in school full time with Noah and my work pattern will balance out. In my spare time, I will be (as I’ve said before) embarking on a new chapter and in that time I will be focussed on giving my little blog the time and  attention that it deserves. I will also be looking to create better video content for my YouTube Channels – The Sweetest Life & Ria Langner (Which runs alongside Channel Mum). For the kind of person that I am, it takes great courage for me to hold my hands up and say ‘I can’t do this right now, well I can but not well!’ and it takes great courage to remind myself that I am one human, doing all I can and trying to make it work in a way that my children are blissfully unaware because they have everything that they need from me’.

Next week, let’s meet here again, shall we? Next week I will have a plan to share with you, a new lease of life. Next week I will be able to tell you which days I will post new blog posts and video’s, so that we all know where we stand. Would that be okay? It will be here at 6.30am on Thursday 22nd September.

For now, I will be enjoying the rest of the time that I get with my sweetheart and I will be pouring time and energy in to Noah who is now in year three, key stage two… A big deal! So far we have made a turtle (Els), read a lot about planet Earth (Noah), practiced how to write ‘M M M M M M M’ (Els) and revised number ordering (Noah)… As well as reading a lot of lovely stories together. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I love watching them create things, learn things and have a sense of achievement… It’s just amazing! I love that they let me be such a big part of it all.

A New Lease Of Life

See you back here next week? In the meantime, leave any questions, comments, blog or video requests below and catch me on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram, I will try and keep things lively over there when I can.

Big Love, Ria x

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Ellenah starting school is naturally something that I want to remember. Something that I would like her to look back on and remember too. So I tried my hardest to capture as much of the day as I could in a vlog (on my second channel). This new chapter for us both has at times made me feel afraid, made me feel sad, made me feel awfully strange…As bittersweet as it is, I am truly excited for her. I am excited about being a part of this new adventure for her. I’m excited for the school plays, school projects, school trips that I will nominate myself to chaperone…The school disco’s, church service’s and sports days.

In years to come, I want her to know that we chose a place that we believe to be right for her. A place that will make her happy. A place that she will enjoy going to, five days of the week. I want her to know that we chose her school in love. I want her to see how much we love her and how much these precious moments, milestones and times matter to us. How much she matters.

So I will probably show her this when she is older. And I will no doubt watch it time and time again when I am too!

With Love, Ria x

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A New Chapter

They say that ‘sometimes…the things that we can’t change, end up changing us!’

In just a day, I have gone from riding on the back of someone else’s new chapter, holding on for dear life, to being fiercely thrust into my own. I innocently thought that I was preparing Noah to return to school, to work hard in year three and to look out for his little sister who would be starting school with him, for the first time. I put my energy into getting them there yesterday morning, on time and with everything they needed. I used my strength, needed it desperately so that I wouldn’t fall apart. I was determined not to cry in front of her… I didn’t want her to think that she needed to stay with me. I did sob… but I waited until she was happy playing. I waited until she didn’t look for me anymore. It didn’t take very long. She was okay… She was busy starting that chapter which I mentioned before.

And as I walked away from her, I felt lost in myself somewhere. Words weren’t making much sense and I was half way home before I realised that I was walking anywhere.

It took me that long to realise that I had been stranded at the start of my own ‘new direction’. Left to sink or swim. I haven’t been by myself in a really long time. Not for a substantial amount of time. Not like I will now.

And last night I sat…I pondered what I would do with it! The spare time? I considered what it would do to me.

Would it change my mind about how insanely I hope that we will be blessed with a third child? Will I take up baking, knitting? Will I learn a new language? Will I grow to like it? Will I remain lost? Will I grow roots in my local Costa while writing that book that I have dreamt of having published? Will I read more, create more? Will I simply count down the seconds until my favourite people in the world come home to me, their mama?

Will I become obsessed with adult colouring books?

Will I fall in love with running again?

Will I say yes to more opportunities, more invites?

Will I spend my time missing my children and wondering what they are up to?

Will I eat too much brie and cherry tomatoes?

Will I take up painting?

Will I walk for hours because I have nothing better to do?

Will I be okay?

I have to be don’t I? I want to be! I have to fall in love with this next chapter. My new chapter. I have to enjoy it because I want the children to enjoy theirs and they learn from how I live life. I want us to come back together, around the dinner table and talk about the awesome things that have happened in our happy days. And…It just makes sense to me that life is better when you are smiling, laughing.

Life is better when you are achieving, pushing yourself, getting closer to your dreams coming true and closer to reaching your goals. Life is no joke!

My new chapter will be exactly what I make it. I have to let it change me, for all of the good that it can do.

It could make me a better mother, more patient, more organised, more fun. I think that I’m a good mum now. I’m kind, caring…warm. We have a lot of fun, a lot of laughs…but it could be even better if I let it. If I strive for it. If I make the best of ‘this’. Couldn’t it?

Is it okay that my new chapter doesn’t sound so bad now? Is it okay that It will be nice to tell my children about it?

It could teach them so much, don’t you think? About how we have to keep moving forward, how we have to stay flexible because the world is always changing and we have to be able to adapt, find the good. Take a sad song and make it better?

About how we have to choose happiness and enjoy each day as much as possible. About how we all should endeavour to find the good in everything, everyone…ourselves?

About how we should try our hardest not to waste days, even the seconds. Time can be a beast but we can’t let it go to waste.

About how we mustn’t regret and we mustn’t dwell.

I think so….

I also think that this could be something wonderful for me…and of course my lovely littles… and man.

What do you think? What would you do with a chapter like this one?

Love, Ria x

 

 

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