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The 20 Week Scan

Tuesday 31st January 2017

We saw our baby again this afternoon. In one breath, it was incredible. I had been counting down the days to see my little one again. To check in, check how much baby had grown… to see the little life growing in my tummy move around and be. Words can’t describe the feeling that I get in my heart when I see my baby on the screen above me. It feels like it’s just me and my baby in the room. Everything going on around me becomes a blur. I can’t properly hear the medical jargon that the Sonographer mumbles under his breath. The silence that hangs in the air around his concentration is irrelevant. I just lay there on the bed, gripping Matt’s hand and watching the screen in amazement and complete awe. I feel like I have to remind myself to breathe in these moments. It’s almost like I don’t want to waste any time because as much as having these scans can tell you, they go fast…And I never want to miss a single second of the experience.

This time was different though.

It didn’t go fast. It took me a while to notice in all of the excitement. It took me a bit of time to realise that the Sonographer was prodding my tummy that little bit harder, more aggressively. It took me a bit of time to realise that he was repeating two measurements in particular, over and over again. Once I did, I removed myself from my happy bubble and joined Matt in the room where I was met with more mumbling and the words cleft palate being thrown around, abnormalities and incomplete heart measurements. And, suddenly I felt numb.

I tried to read the Sonographer’s face, I tried to pick apart every facial expression.

I didn’t understand what he was saying. I didn’t understand his cold tone. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t being a little more kind to us. I didn’t understand what all of this was going to mean for our baby, for our baby’s life. I didn’t want him to tell me to come back in a few weeks time because he isn’t sure if our baby has a cleft palate and / or something wrong with the heart. I didn’t want him to take one final look before marching us out of the door, to then tell us that just because he can’t see any other abnormalities, it doesn’t mean that they are not there.

And worse still, I didn’t understand why I was justifying what he said on the way home. I didn’t understand why I was saying that he probably has to give a ‘disclaimer’ like that to all parents-to-be. I didn’t understand why I felt so calm.

Was it because deep down, I believed with my whole, maternal heart that everything was fine? Was it because I believed with everything that I am, that we would get through anything? Was it because I felt that after everything that me and my baby had already been through together, this wasn’t going to distance us from each other? I don’t know!

I told myself that everything was fine and threw myself in to sharing the news about the sex of our baby with our nearest and dearest. I launched myself into all of the things about the scan that we could celebrate… and would! I let the love and excitement from those around us envelop me and conceal any doubt in the back of my mind. I let them take away the ‘what-if’s’ and the questions that I was pushing down in to the pit of my body.

But tonight, as my exhausted body tries with all of its might to fall asleep in the dark, I am praying that my little human is okay… And I will, every night until ‘a few weeks time’… And then again, until my baby is nestled in my arms, safe and sound and surrounded by so much love.

With Love,

Ria x

 

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My little Blog has been a completely forgotten in recent days, weeks and months… It has fallen way behind my reality. So in my best efforts, I want to try and catch things up. This little space on the internet really matters to me. It is my diary and I want to keep as much about not only my life but my little family’s life documented here. This was my 18 week pregnancy update and wow, things have changed a ton since making this video… It’s already crazy to look back on and it already makes me feel emotional watching it back. I’m on the last leg of this pregnancy now and this already feels like a lifetime ago. Still, I hope it helps someone out there, I hope y’all like it. Don’t forget to let me know if you do and of course, subscribe to my channel HERE to keep up with other updates and to meet baby when the time is right.

With Love,

Ria x

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This wasn’t the video that I had imagined making back when I first saw the cross on that pregnancy test to tell me that I was going to be a mama-to-be again. I imagined something beautiful. I at least thought that I would have done my hair…maybe put a bit of lippy on… but no! This was the best I could do at the time. This was all that I had in my tired, sickly body to create. I say create…ha! I just ended up pointing the camera at myself one night, crying and looking very blotchy while I shared the most amazing news to YouTube Land.

Still, I watched this back today and as the tears threatened my eyes yet again… I smiled to myself. Smiled because we (me and our baby) have come so far in the short time between then and now. I can accept this for the memory now. I can accept this as part of the journey now… I don’t feel guilty anymore. The truth is, it ain’t easy growing a human and actually, I’m doin’ okay.

If you would like to follow my pregnancy, you can subscribe HERE. I ask for a lot of advice in my video’s, so  I always appreciate any advice, tips and support. It’s crazy being out here on this journey again. Lots has changed since I was pregnant with my daughter Ellenah, who is now five. The YouTube community has become my diary, bible and such a big support to me as a mama, I would love to have you join me there.

And for all of you lovely ladies who are currently pregnant, bless you! I hope you are having beautiful, glowing and safe pregnancies. For those who are currently TTC, you are in my thoughts and hopes that you are blessed soon.

Love,

Ria x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Ellenah, You Are Five

Dear Ellenah, my beautiful little girl.

This is long over due. On the evening before each of your birthday’s, I will write you a letter… but on the evening before your fifth birthday, I couldn’t make it happen. I’m really sorry Sweetheart, it wasn’t because I don’t care. It wasn’t because you are not important. It wasn’t because I had forgotten. It was the most important thing for me to do that day but the best I could do was to write down my thoughts in the notes on my phone, hoping that this day would come. This day when I would be able to string together the sentences to better communicate exactly what it is that I want to say to you.

And just over two months late, I have found the right day.

Turning five is a big deal. I can’t remember anything about my fifth birthday but I can remember the feeling of turning five. Your big brother was impatient to get to this age too. It’s the age where things change. It’s the age that you have really started to show the little girl that you are becoming. The petite, inquisitive and sassy little diva that storms through each day with that beautiful smile and sharp wit. You are our delightful chaos. Forever known as ‘Hurricane Bella Roo’.

You are bold and fearless. You are strong-willed and spirited. You are everything that I could ever want in a little girl. You are a pleasure to raise. You challenge me in ways that nobody else can. You question me and you make me question the world around me… Everything and everyone in it. You seem to simply know things that it takes some of us years to understand. You make no apology for being exactly as you are and I love that about you.

Dear Ellenah, You Are Five

Some days I look at you and I see so much of myself. You smile like me. You run like me. You perform like me and you believe in the world like me. Other days, I look at you and see someone who I want to be. Brave, certain and rambunctious.

This past year, you have started to show what matters to you, who you love dearly and how you like to go about your day. You like your space… Alone time is very important to you. It is part of what enables you to be creative which is one of your biggest strengths. You communicate your real feelings clearly and never try and adapt your mood to anyone else’s expectation of you. I respect that about you.

Dear Ellenah, You Are Five

To be honest, as with each passing year and the bigger and more charismatic you get… there never feels to me like enough words in the world that can fully sum up just how wonderful I think you are. Just how much I love you, from the bottom of my proud mama heart.

It has just been so much fun, getting to know each side of you with each passing moment. To see such beautiful sweetness to your sassy. To see such kindness in your heart that balances out your strong will. To see you shine bright and bring out the brightness and light in those around you, those who have fallen in love with you for everything that you are and for the blessing that you are to this world.

I love how much you love snails and how you will always move them if they are in harms way, no matter how much it’s raining. I love how conscious you are of protecting the planet and our daily conversations about throwing our litter away. I love watching you play, watching your imagination soar. I love listening to you make up little songs about the things that you find important. I love watching you dance like mama used to. I love your dirty laugh and how bright red your cheeks turn when you find something really funny.

I love the way that you make every day better.

I love the way that you make me better.

Love, Mama x

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12 week scan

Tuesday 13th December 2016

Today was our 12 week scan. The official one. The one with the warm gel that they plop on my lower tummy, the gel that gets everywhere… and the prodding until we see our little ray of sunshine on the screen. The one that we should have had first.

I was ready for this one though. I had managed to drink the water. I had managed to keep it down. My bladder was full and I was ready to see my baby properly, with open, conscious eyes… Unlike through a dehydrated blur at the 9 week transvaginal scan.

I was excited, nervous…scared! The sickness was still rife so in the back of my mind, I still had that fear that I had somehow hurt my little person. I was still quite terrified that I hadn’t been able to offer up any goodness to help him or her get established. Especially when all I could keep down lately were salty McDonalds fries and all things terrible for me… and the baby. I was doing my best but I had that awful doubt in my heart that it was going to be good enough this time.

But… Just like last time, our baby proved to be much stronger than me.

We were shown the heartbeat first. That beautiful, train track heartbeat. So small but so incredible. And, I smiled hard as I looked upon this moving image of the little one growing in my tummy. I smiled because he or she chose to stay. Chose to fight to stay with me. I smiled because we were fighting for each other every day, loved each other every day, chose each other every day but had to wait so long still, to meet each other properly. I smiled because I could imagine that day.

I could imagine the warmth of my baby, nestled in my arms or laying on my chest, falling asleep to the sound of my heartbeat… The sound that it would know so well.

I could have stayed there for days watching our baby just be. I already knew that I would miss this moment as soon as it had passed. Already excited for the next scan so that we could ‘be together again’.

The baby didn’t enjoy the scan so much though. It would seem that he or she is stubborn, a tough cookie even. Refusing to move, to change positions… no matter how many times I had to wiggle, jump up and down, do a half wee, and a little bit more and then a full one. The need to cooperate obviously wasn’t a priority for our sleepy babe. With a flick of the hand to communicate disgust at being disturbed, we didn’t get very far.

Far enough to be told not to worry though… Everything is looking as it should. Everything is looking good.

And, Matt and I left as happy parents-to-be (again!)

 

 

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