Hello my beautiful boy!! This letter feels way overdue. There is so much that I am bursting to say to you, to tell you. This morning, I am sitting in our living room with a hot cup of tea. I’m warm from the sun beating through the window, the room is bright… and I am thinking about you. I can see your things dotted around our home. The helicopter that you designed from lego that you were so proud of yesterday. Your pyjamas that you freely slung into your bedroom after getting dressed for school this morning. Pieces of paper that you have written little notes on, with your jagged, joined up handwriting. Your breakfast bowl, scraped of every last bit of porridge and as always, plenty of rogue Nerf bullets and paper planes… just around.
Mama is missing you today. I wish you were here.
We talked to each other on the way to school this morning, as Ellenah ran ahead. Dexter slept in his pram and for a tiny while, it was just you and me. You held my hand tightly and I felt a spiky feeling in my heart. I remember your hand being so tiny, when you were just seconds old. They were purple and bunched up. They were the cutest hands I had ever seen. This morning, I remember thinking, ‘His hands have gotten so big!’
And they have! Your hands and feet, your arms and legs… you have grown so tall now. I’m not stupid, I know that you are growing up… That’s how things work, right?! But when I look at you, I still see my baby, my toddler. I still look into your innocent eyes and feel amazed that I get to be your mother. I still feel completely overwhelmed by how much I love you. It’s such a pure, true love. Unconditional. Heavy but light. Natural. I think I will always feel this way as you grow up.
Lately though, I feel like I love you more and more every day. I mean our lives have taken a rather chaotic turn, haven’t they? You have become the biggest brother to Ellenah and Dex, things have ramped up a bit at school, you’re figuring out how independent it is acceptable to be at eight years old and trying to figure out your boundaries. Things have changed. They are still changing, still settling and as much as you are rolling with it all, adjusting, taking everything in your stride… you haven’t changed.
Noah, you are wonderful in just so many ways. Beautiful boy, you are so charming. Funny. Charismatic. Witty. Intelligent. Creative. Kind. Loving. Enthusiastic. Loyal. Accepting. Gentle.
Noah, you make the world so much better. You make my world so happy and I am just so proud of you. Your outlook on life is so positive and uplifting and I learn so much from you everyday, just by watching how you manoeuvre around life. What I’m trying to say is, you amaze me all of the time and I think that you are incredible. Just the coolest kid around.
Before our lives changed, I was nervous for you. Your Papa and I planned this chaos. We decided that you would make a perfect biggest brother, with your big heart and your big ideas. And, we trusted that we knew best. Changing family dynamics always came with a little risk though. We aren’t you after all. We don’t have the power to feel exactly what you feel. We couldn’t guarantee that you wouldn’t feel left out, pushed out or loved less. I thought over our relationship and our bond in the months before… and I think I knew deep down that you would be as brilliant as you are… but I was nervous.
I only ever want you to feel loved by me, stable and happy. I want you to come to me with any of your problems, any of your fears… any of your anything because you know that I am your person. The person who will be understanding, patient and who will protect your heart with everything I am and everything that I’ve got inside me. I will be that person to lift you up, be your strength, wipe your tears and make you smile. We have always been that team. I can’t imagine life and our relationship to be any other way. Everything would feel lesser. You are too special and I am proud of the relationship that we have. You made me a mother, with my fierce instincts to protect you and I just want you to know that I still see you. I get you. And I love you, more than I did yesterday but less than I will tomorrow.
Love from Mama x