On Thursday, it was Miss Ellenah’s 4th Birthday. It was an emotional day for me. Four just feels so much bigger than being three years old. Four year olds like to say ‘But, I am four!’ a lot while they pout and put their hands on their hips. I’m waiting for a finger wiggle from my ‘Miss Sassy Pants’ over here in the next few days. Seriously, I’m waiting for her to start singing ‘R.E.S.P.E.C.T’ to me if I so much as dare ask her to eat her carrots. Ellenah has suddenly become so much more independent, just in the last couple of days. It’s amazing to watch but bittersweet.
I already miss her needing me so much. I wasn’t ready for her to be four. My youngest child is growing up just too quickly for me now. As if by magic she understands reasoning just that little bit more and she is a proper little girl, her face has changed and everything. She is still beautiful but she is losing the ‘baby girl-ness’ about her. She doesn’t like it so much when I call her ‘Baby Girl’ anymore either. She is rising up to her new age and I feel like I’m gripping her by the toe just to keep her from floating off too soon. Honestly I miss her already.
It was quite sudden really. That feeling on the night before her birthday, that one day… rightly or wrongly, she will be making decisions on her own. Making the call about how she wants to live her own life. Making the mistakes that go with such great responsibility. Mistakes that I can’t protect her from. My need to wrap her in cotton wool will no doubt be brushed off with a hair flick and grab of her bag while she lives for the weekends and drinks too much cheap wine with her friends. Just like I did. Just like we all did probably.
It may sound like I’m getting ahead of myself, which is obviously true. That’s years away. The poor thing hasn’t even started school yet and I’m obsessing over the teenage in to early adult years. It just hit me that she is a real person with this incredible mind and unstoppable will. And, it got me thinking, hoping and wishing. All for her to always share her life with me, no matter the stage, no matter the phase, no matter how much she thinks I won’t like what she has decided upon, no matter how much she wants to cry, no matter how scared and especially when she is so happy she could fly, so proud of herself, so excited for what is to come… Damn it, I want her to ask me one day what shoes go best, what bag she should take… what lipstick she should wear to prom. I want her to talk to me always. She has to know that I will always care. She has to know that I will always love her. Boy trouble, friend trouble… life trouble. I want her to know that I am hers… Her mama… on her side… no matter what…forever.
Her birthday was beautiful. It saw her take part in her first nativity play (she was a black sheep!) and even though it was the first time ever, I had to share her with pre-school events, I got to put out a little tea party for her, buy balloons and birthday bunting and celebrate with her that night. She blew out the candles on her birthday cake… and as her face lit up in the light from the little flames, I couldn’t help but feel so very lucky to have her, my sweet little diva who radiates light…and love for all.