I anxiously sat on the wall outside of the doctors surgery, my head hung low and my legs swayed over the edge. Passers by looked up at me. They looked up at this grown woman with her hair shoved in to two braids, wearing her beloved off-white, incredibly scuffed converses and a small, brown backpack from Primark (where da kidz get their clothes)… I think she selected such a style because she didn’t have the strength to deal with this shit, almost as if she was mirroring somebody she used to be, a long time ago…before she had a care in the world. Honestly, I felt them look at me with pity in their eyes, almost with a little sadness. It made sense…because I felt sad and I obviously looked it. I had a ping of panic in my chest when I caught their glances… Like…Did they know that I had maybe ‘lost it’? Did they know what I didn’t want the doctor to tell me? What I would get down on my hands and knees and beg him not to say?!
Lost it? Like it was my purse. Lost it before I even had a chance to fall in love, mentally make room for it and to daydream about all of the wonderful things that come with keeping hold of it!
Keeping hold of it? Like I had peed on a stick and it had already changed my world. It wasn’t like that. I just thought that after another month of ‘sort of’ trying to conceive, we were unsuccessful. I thought that it was my period. I thought it was a very painful, very horrific period. After sitting on the toilet one evening for about an hour, waiting for the blood to stop trickling… I thought things weren’t right. I blamed my age. I blamed turning thirty. I blamed hormone changes. I blamed being really busy at work. I blamed stress. Eventually I popped a painkiller once it had eased and tried to throw myself back into the chaos and loveliness of the summer holidays. It lasted about four days. I tried to forget.
A couple of days ago and a week and a half after my ‘period’ had stopped…the blood came back and I felt afraid. As a mum and as a woman.
And that is why I sat on the wall outside of the doctors surgery, letting the gentle breeze wash over me as I tried to feel brave.
And the doctor said, ‘It sounds like you lost it!…we’ll do a pregnancy test and get you booked in for an ultrasound to find out why you are bleeding right now! We’ll find out if you are pregnant..or more likely…were?! We’ll find out if there is anything left! We’ll find out if there is something wrong! Okay?’
I said ‘Okay!’…but was it? Was I?
Miscarriage isn’t the only reason that a woman could be bleeding like this after all, is it?
I picked up my sample pot, flashed the doc a sweet, fake smile, stood up on my heavy legs and walked from the room after I frantically tried to push the door that said pull… In bold.
I haven’t cried. I feel numb. Alone. Ever so scared.
I hope that I am healthy. I always endeavour to be.
I don’t really know what to feel.
I know that waiting is hard.
I definitely know that I’m scared of leaving my children too soon.
I know that I want the blood to stop.
I don’t want my mind to keep going there. I have to be okay.
I don’t know what I want from you?!
To wish me luck? Think of me, perhaps?
Maybe I’ll just say thanks for being there for me! Thanks for letting me get this out!
It really is nice of you.
Love, Ria x
• This post was written on the 28th of August. My pregnancy test was negative but I am still awaiting an ultrasound. The blood has stopped so even though I still don’t know much, I feel more positive.