I’ve changed a lot in one year. I’ve undone myself completely. I’ve been stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ve pulled courage out of my arse and gumption out of my ears and I’ve had to fight for this version of myself. This woman who wears vulnerability in her eyes but her savage flame of self worth as a crown. I’ve fucking earned it.
I didn’t realise a year ago, how unlike me I had become. I had been putting everything into getting by, as life often forces us in to doing. Always putting myself last. Always giving everyone and everything else more value than my own pretty heart. Which I realise now, is actually very pretty. It’s warm and it always searches for goodness in everything. I still don’t know why I didn’t think I mattered that much. I don’t know why as a grown woman, I was still hiding behind the smile on my face. The same defence mechanism that I used in the face of bullies in secondary school. The same face that I used any time a boy was mean to me. The same face that I used whenever a friend hurt my heart. The same face that I used when my first adult relationship ended and the same face that I used the day after my husband left me. I still don’t know why It was better to be numb. Why it was better to fake it until I made it. Better to pretend I was okay until I actually was. I didn’t do that this time though. For the first time ever in my life, I held my hands up, threw caution to the wind and said ‘fuck it… I’m not okay… I’m really fucking broken’ and I let myself feel every single thing. I let myself cry without limitations. For the first in my life, I let people help me. I opened up my heart and talked my experiences over, again and again and again with those who love me, until the blur and the mess started to radiate some light and make sense. Even just a little and this is an ongoing process. Thank fuck for support networks. For the strong women in my life. For family and friends. For those kindred spirits who find you when you need them to bring you back to yourself.
It wasn’t easy, every day, climbing back into the pieces of my broken heart, checking on them. Trying to see if any parts had stuck back to another yet. It took a very long time to see any stitches appear. It took seeing them break in to much smaller bits first, smaller than I ever could have imagined and at points I thought my heart would be like that forever. I thought I would never smile again. Never be happy again. I thought I would always be damaged. I wondered if breathing would ever not hurt me.
In every day, in every moment, I had to choose… to be really fucking brave!
To keep showing up for myself.
To have hope.
To keep my head held high.
To feel, to cry… but then to ‘dry your eyes mate’.
Because tomorrow was coming and tomorrow would be better. I would be better. This would get easier…
And I begged myself to remember that deep down inside, I knew that this was for the best. I knew I would be a happier, more humble, kinder, loving person for this.
Because besides how I felt in that second, no person on this planet was or will ever be responsible for my happiness. I just had to continue choosing myself, to continue reflecting, learning and to concentrate on breathing… and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To keep moving forward. No matter how gruelling. No matter how tough.
Because no terrain would be too hard to cross that would ever see me staying where I was left, dumped in a heap, fragile and scared. There was no choice for me. I couldn’t stay there.
I had to move on.
And here I am, the first year under my belt. One year on.
I’m happy. Truly happy. I’m strong. Stronger than I ever thought I would need to be but that’s not a bad thing. It would have beed an absolute shame though, if I was left hardened, unloving, untrusting and bitter. A shell in place of where my heart once was. But I’m not like that. That didn’t happen. Thankfully. My heart is still huge… Open and soft. Yep, it’s full of patches, stitches, rough edges and when I think about everything, it still hurts. But that’s life. And I’m wearing it well. Embracing it for every day I’m blessed with… because I can still breathe… and it doesn’t hurt any more. At all.
I can still love people. I can still care. I can still encourage others. I can still help those who need it. And my smile is real.
I am real.
And I way be a work in progress… but I’m healing beautifully.
O n e Y e a r O n . . .
Today marks one year since my (almost seven year) marriage ended. And while I suppose I should feel a little sad that a few days ago, my ex-husband celebrated his one year anniversary with his new partner…because the truth hurts… I honestly just couldn’t feel happier. When I look back on the past year, how far I’ve come and all of the incredible times I’ve had with the most wonderful people… I feel truly blessed, truly grateful and eternally thankful that my heart was broken 365 days ago. They say that not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path and that is exactly how I feel about this thing that happened in my life. It cleared a path for true happiness. They also say that we are all a little broken and that’s how the light gets in. In the last year, the brightest rays have surrounded me and found their way into my soul. My support network is officially the best in this whole wide world and I can’t thank everyone who has lifted me up this year enough, those who kept me smiling and those who loved me hard until I could love myself again.
I’ve learned so much in one year. That nobody can save me, I had to save myself. That nobody is responsible for my happiness. Nobody but me. That nobody on this planet is here to serve the purpose of completing me. I complete me. I am enough. I’m a fucking excellent mama. That hearts heal. That life is too short to be in the wrong life. That you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with so it’s important to choose wisely. That friends are the family you choose. That family is everything and that true love really could be right around the corner. In the most unexpected places. The real love… that is kind, gentle, warm and feels like home.
I’ve learned a lot and done a lot. I’ve laughed until my body hurts, smiled so big until my cheeks can’t do it anymore, cried a lot, talked a lot and now I’m excited for the future.
Thank you so much to the best worst year of my life. You were beautiful. You were bold, you were haunting. You were sad. You were a memory making piece of time. You were healing. But it’s time to say goodbye and I love you ❤️