Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

Three Months With Baby Dexi

To my darling, Dexi

You are different. You’ve truly changed. You’ve grown so fast and so much. All in just a month. Another month. How has another month been and gone? Why do we keep finding ourselves here, like this. You, happily spending your days, fully throwing yourself into this world and diving straight into your life. You are on a journey to learn, grow and find yourself. In your very first chapter. Me, constantly looking at you, loving you, wanting to hold you, dedicating myself to making sure you are happy, safe and free to be you. My first chapter was a long time ago. The chapter that I am in is the ‘raising my family and being the best mama that I can possibly be’ chapter. But, whatever. We keep finding ourselves here. You, thriving in the moments that come and go. Me, holding onto the moments as tightly as I can, cherishing them and wanting to rest in them, to prepare myself for the one’s to follow. You, wanting to see what you can do, what you are capable of. Me, wanting to slow time down, wanting to control it, not ready for it to take the most beautiful moments and times that I have had with you, and make them the past.

When Mama and Papa planned to bring a third baby into the world, I knew that I wanted to keep you, in the baby days for as long as I could get away with. And sweetheart, never think that I am disappointed in how quickly you are already leaving them behind, in your obvious wish to catch up and keep up with your big brother and big sister… It’s just bittersweet. This past month, I’ve seen you start to move. I’ve seen you shimmy along the floor like a little caterpillar on your back. I’ve seen you shuffle to get somewhere else, from where I placed you gently and lovingly on your play mat. I’ve seen you do it over and over and I feel so proud of you. I will feel proud of you, for every milestone you reach throughout your life, no matter how big or how small. But I will always miss you, as my newborn baby, those first days and weeks when it was just me, only me that you wanted or needed. Now it has started, now you will always be curious, determined and adventurous… which is exactly what I want for you too.

You are now interested in the bold, bright and happy looking baby toys that surround you each day. You reach for them, stare at them, shuffle towards them. You have an opinion on them. See, I told you that you are changing. You used to care about milk and cuddles only. It seems that now, you are broadening your horizons. It makes my heart happy that you have fallen in love with the soft, leggy caterpillar that Noah and then Ellenah played with as babies though, that is a beautiful thought for mama to hold on to. And obviously, I will never throw it away and will treasure it until the end of time. He has charmed you with his simple, happy looking face. Since day one, he has gone by the name of Pillar Pillar, although I can’t remember why.

You still adore being spoken to, included in conversations and quite recently, you have started to enjoy it when we read to you. It doesn’t matter what it is. I could read you a menu or food packaging, and you would be engaged and excited to listen to more. Obviously you prefer books, the bright, baby kind. The ones with different textures are best. You find it wonderful when I take your hand and move it across the furry, crinkly, bumpy pictures and it makes you smile and squeal with happiness. This is one of the things that I have embraced and enjoyed most about you growing so quickly. Your mama is a complete book lover. I desperately want that for you too. So as you grow, you can lose yourself in your imagination and fall into that happy place that reading takes you to. Loving books is and will be great for you. Fingers crossed you will always love story time as much.

I know that I started this letter off by sounding quite emotional but Sweetheart, we have had so much fun together this month. You are so delicious. So happy, playful and loving. You are absolutely a bundle of joy and you are very quickly becoming my little sidekick. You laugh hard when I pretend to eat your feet, you wiggle as I make noises that sound like I’m gobbling them up. You feel calm and peaceful when I pretend to use them as a phone though, your arms drop heavily, up by the sides of your head and you lay so still, your big eyes fixated into mine. We pretend to call Papa, Noah and Ellenah and you take it all in. listening intently to the conversations that I have into the ball of your foot.

Talking of your tootsies. You have found your toes. You pull your legs up to your head by pulling your feet up and you move them around, rocking your body, very gently from side to side. It’s fascinating to watch you discover yourself as a human. Watching you realise that you are you.

You are so good with your hands, little one. You are way ahead of yourself with your pincher motion. The way that you can grab and hold onto the hanging toys from your play matt surprises me every time. I’m always grabbing anyone nearby in excitement, like ‘Look at Dexi, isn’t he clever?’. You concentrate so hard to get the exact toys in your hands that you want. You are so incredibly focussed for your age and you hardly show frustration. You have shown such patience, which is definitely not a trait that you share with me or your Papa. So it is just glorious to see. You make me want to try harder when it comes to my own patience, rather than at times being high maintenance, a little demanding, perhaps. You completely inspire me.

You have been such a delight during these past three months, that I decided to take you to a few baby groups. I thought that we would try them on for size after quite a daunting experience when Noah was a baby. You just fit right in. You were completely unfazed and perfectly happy to be with other children. You made it so easy for me, so enjoyable. Your favourite group so far was Rhyme Time at our local library. The session is only half an hour and you love to hear people sing. Around you and to you. It is a lovely group that encourages a lot of interaction so by the end of it, you are always ready to nap. In a good way. Not because you were bored. I like that it is in the library too. As you get bigger, we will start to borrow books that you choose… so it feels like it works. I’m hoping that you may make some little friends too. That would be ever so sweet.

You must make me feel really brave when I think about it baby boy, because this month we have taken you on your first train ride and for an event at the YouTube Space in London… All in one day. You didn’t mind the train until it became very busy. We went early so it was full of commuters who piled on at each stop. It became a bit too much for the last part and you basically screamed for the last ten minutes of the journey. It was tough… but everyone was really nice and said that the train makes them feel like that too. I agreed. Other than that, you didn’t falter. Even through a whole day of presentations, we happily bopped you at the back of the room and you were as good as gold. So warm, calm and happy. You were charming and the ladies loved you. You were and are a complete angel.

You are a darling even when you aren’t feeling your best, You battled your first little cold that came and went in a day and a half ( thank God that we are breastfeeding!) and even when you were so tired from very little sleep, you managed to smile and coo until your heart’s content. You really are a little drop of sunshine. My shining light. I say this even after we had to succumb to Peppa Pig on the iPad one time, in the very early hours of the morning to settle you, when you were struggling to understand why you felt so crummy. I still think that warmth radiates from your beautiful, little soul.

You don’t make anyone work for their smiles anymore really, do you beautiful boy? Your smiles and laughter explode out of you, too big for you to keep inside. They are much bigger than you. I truly think you find the happiness in everything. Always finding the thing to smile about. You’re hardly ever sad. Do you know, you are just so easy to love?

Three months has been so good to you Dexi. And us. I ask, why do we keep finding ourselves here… but everything really is as it should be. And despite what I say, you are still my baby. The little baby who I rock in my arms, who clings to me tightly when he needs comfort, who feels better when I sing the same song from when he was just hours old, who sucks his thumb when he is falling asleep, who lets me stroke his soft hair, who saves his most special gummy smiles for his mama, who still stares deeply in to my eyes like he is looking into my heart… My baby boy, who I love more and more each day. With a love so fierce, a love so big… A love so profound that the thought of existing without it, makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

Thank you for another beautiful month Dexter James,

I love you, so much

From, Mama x

p.s. I have made another little video for you, to remember your third month by. I hope you like it as much as I loved making it x

 

 

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Dear Dexi,

It makes me want to physically cry when I say it out loud that you are two months old. It feels like it actually hurts my heart. Just a couple of days ago, we were sat together, having a cuddle… You were asleep and I was as some would say, stuck beneath you. It was one of those times that I knew I wouldn’t be able to move or even breath too deeply because it would wake you. You’ve been a light sleeper since the day that you were born. The smallest sound will instantly wake you. Most days I try… try and place you gently in your sleepyhead or your moses basket to nap for an hour a couple of times a day, like your brother and sister used to. Heck… I’ve tried laying you in the centre of our bed, on the couch, on cushions on the floor and nothing will work. Nothing will settle you enough. As soon as you are not in my arms, you know. Sometimes it feels like even if you’re sleeping on my chest or in my loving arms, if I’m even thinking of moving you… your eyes will ping open, as if you had never fallen asleep… just to prevent me from moving. So anyway, on this day, I gave in. I just let you sleep on my chest, cozy, content and fast asleep. Your tiny body was heavy and your arms relaxed, weighty over my chest and draped at my sides. I was happy in that moment. I could smell your hair, I stroked your cheeks with one thumb and held one of your hands in mine. I watched your body rise and fall with each breath and noticed how much you had grown since I sat in that exact spot with you on the day that you were born. You had changed so much. Your face was much less squidgy and your arms and legs, not so scrawny. They had a healthy layer of fat covering them now which pleased me. In that moment, I looked around our living room… At the little trail of chaos that comes with taking care of a new baby. There was a bouncy chair, a sleepyhead pod, blankets, nappies, wipes, your change bag with the contents bulging out from when I had tried to find something, baby vests, baby grows, dummies (that you wouldn’t entertain because you only liked the green one with the hedgehog on it) and it just made me smile. It’s crazy how much mess one baby who relies on you for everything can make. But, my smile fell off of my face quite quickly if i’m honest. The reality of you growing up faster and faster every day darkened my thoughts. I looked around again and the thought of our living room not looking like this one day, full with your things from being new to the world, made me sad. The thought that one day our home would be neat and tidy, it upset me. And then I realised that I need to hold on to these baby days for dear life because they go by so fast and when they are gone, I will miss them… I will miss this… I will miss you like this, just as I do your big brother and sister.

Every day I wake up and look at you laying next to me in the bed and I still can not believe that you are mine, how lucky I am… how truly wonderful you are. I consciously try and notice everything about you. Every growth, every small change, every development. I have to know everything about you.

I don’t want to forget that at six weeks, you found your hands. You held your fists in front of your face, a look of such pride sat in your eyes because you had managed to get them up and keep them there. You stared so hard at them, overwhelmed by what was supposed to happen next and I could see your eyes cross and lose focus. I watched you concentrate so hard, for about a week until you figured out that you could do more with them. You think it is all kinds of wonderful when you wave your fists around like you are about to go twelve rounds in a boxing ring. You think it’s even better when you manage to knock a hanging toy, while laying on your play matt. Your eyes follow its movement and you love the noise it makes when that happens. Your favourite little toy is Crazy Croc right now. You stare at him for a long time. You are going to love punching him in the face over the next couple of months… in the most loving way of course.

I’ve watched your smile become a slight squeal which became your first small giggle this month. You have been able to better express just how happy you are. You think it is funny when you lay on the play mat and watch yourself in the mirror above you. I remember watching you giggle for the first time when you were laying there that day. You were so fascinated by your reflection… Not that I think for one second that you understood that was what it was… but you liked your happy little face looking back at you. We’ve named it ‘Mirror Friend’. Forty minutes you stayed there, smiling and squealing for the most part. From the first day when you were born, you were a baby who didn’t like to stay in one place for too long, easily growing bored… but not on the ‘laugh day’… that was special.

You have fallen in love with so many things this month… Other things apart from your family.

At only two months old, you have already been on two camping trips and the outdoors life is so obviously in your blood. You are happiest when outside and somewhat feral. Since then, you have changed the way that you feel about a comfortable rest in your Sleepyhead, opting for a nap on a camp chair in the garden instead. The breeze on your skin soothes you and the sun dancing over your face makes you instantly at ease.

You are fascinated and in awe of other children, especially your big brother and sister. You throw smiles at other children easily, eager to join in with them soon.

You have made friends with many fixtures in our home. The lights (Light Friend), a dream-catcher (Feather Friend), Curtains (Stripe Friend) and still, your old pal… the black and silver cushion (named ‘Friend’).

I don’t ever want to forget that, even as you’ve made so many ‘friends’… You don’t like anyone or anything more than you like me right now. I am your most favourite person in the whole, wide world still. I make jokes about it being because I have the milk and you are a hungry, growing boy… but actually it isn’t just that. I was reading something a couple of days ago and the truth of it, is that you still think that we are one person, a single entity, the same being. You don’t yet understand baby boy, that you are your own human. And for right now, that is the best thing that I could have ever read. It makes me feel excited about our bond and the difference that every song I sing to you makes. It makes me feel like I am cementing our relationship as mother and son that little more, every time I massage your hands and feet, speak to you for hours, with our faces almost touching so that you can see me clearly, tickle your feet gently, rub your back and stroke your tummy. I do all of these little things because I know that you love them. You kick, smile and squeal and I love it so much because I just want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy because I love you so much. You are worth every pair of tired arms from when I’ve danced the baby bop to get you to sleep, every puffy eye from another sleepless night, every back ache from where you have fallen asleep on my chest and I have stayed in the same awkward position for hours, just so you have enough rest. I wouldn’t have things any other way.

Some days, I still feel overwhelmed by my love for you. It is so fierce.

You make it ever so easy to love you too, sweetheart. Everybody loves Dexi. You have these big, smiling eyes that tell everyone exactly who you are and what  you are feeling. As you grow, they will be a blessing and a curse because you won’t be able to hide behind them. Your eyes will tell a thousand stories. Just like mine. Your eyes smile before your mouth does and they widen piercingly when you are worried about me leaving the room or when you hear a noise that startles you.

It’s funny to me, that for a baby with so much joy in his face, how much you make people work for a smile. You don’t throw them away easily. But when you do give them up, you have the most beautiful, gummy grin in the world and then there is no stopping you. It is so wonderful and so infectious.

You are wonderful… happy, playful and sweet.

And, I don’t know what I did to deserve you. My third blessing.

I love you, unconditionally

From, Mama x

P.S. Dexi, my darling… I made another little video for you to watch when you are older. I hope you like it as much as I do. Two months old looked beautiful on you and within your second month you changed so much each day… x

 

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