Four Months With Baby Dexifour months with baby dexi Four Months With Baby Dexifour months with baby dexiFour Months With Baby Dexi Four Months With Baby Dexifour months with baby dexiFour Months With Baby DexiDear Dexter,

I have had the most beautiful month with you, My Sweetheart. For the first time since you were born, time doesn’t seem to matter at all. I can only assume it went fast, as all months do when you are watching your children grow up… but we have all been lost in it somewhere, in the days that made you four months old. Before now, you have been our baby boy. You have cooed, smiled, laughed and all of it has been oh so sweetly. You have shown such love for us, we who love you the most of all. We have fallen in love with your sweet baby days and everything that has come with it. Noah and Ellenah have held you in their arms, felt the weight of your long, squishy thighed body. Daddy has talked with you, softly and let your laughing eyes steal pieces of his heart. I have stroked your beautiful face, your soft, flawless skin until you have fallen asleep. I’ve felt your heavy breath and shallow but gruff snore on my face, when you have slept in the nook of my neck. I have stayed with you, in the darkness as the ‘O’Clocks’ that I had long forgotten actually exist in the night, pass us by and you want to do nothing but look into my eyes. I have been there waiting for sunrise with you. Doing everything that I can to make you happy. Everything to prevent a tear or sad thought. Everything to give you a happy start in your happy life.

But… Somewhere in your fourth month, things changed. I started to catch glimpses of you, as much more than ‘our baby boy’. You have been trying on ‘Dexter James’ for size. Dexter with your weird and wonderful ways. Your little but big personality traits. Your opinions. Your thoughts. Your likes and dislikes. Your expressions. It has been so exciting to meet this part of you. It’s going to be so much fun getting to know this side of you.

I thought that seeing you change so much would make me sad. And you know, it does… because you are my last baby and this is the last time that I will have this chapter again… but, you are so delicious and eager to figure this world out and for that reason, I’m happy for you and excited for you. I’m in love with the feeling in my heart, that reminds me that I get to see the world through your eyes with you and the reminder that I have the privilege to introduce you to your life.

Dexi, I love it so much when you fall in love with things. Your face lights up, full of pure joy. When I read you ‘The Gruffalo’ in a silly voice, sing ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’, giving my all to the actions and when we watch Thomas The Tank Engine together… you coo loudly, you giggle and you become wide eyed and coy. You get so excited.

My darling, you love playing with our hands, stroking our arms and I can tell that you feel great comfort in stroking our skin as you pull our arms into and around you. You are still as affectionate as ever. Still wanting to be protected, safe and feeling secure constantly.

You suddenly can’t wait to join in with Noah and Ellenah. You watch them play with anticipation and love in your eyes. I feel like sometimes, I can see you thinking… almost as if you are dreaming of the day when not too far from now, you will be able to play with them. I can see how much you already admire them both. You follow them with your eyes, smile when they so much as glance in your direction and you are interested in everything that is theirs. Everything that they will always give to you willingly, if you have made even the smallest sound about wanting it. Dexter, I just know that they would do anything for you, anything in this world to make you happy. They are dreaming of that day, not too far from now, when you can play with them too.

They made you a little tent the other day. You were playing on your play mat and they hung your favourite swaddle muslin over the top. You were delighted. They watched you like hawks, so no danger or harm could ever come to you. They lay inside with you, looking up together at your reflections in the mirror. You smiled, laughed and cuddled. You were so happy.

I was so happy. Looking upon my three beautiful babies, bonding and making memories… It made my heart ever so warm and complete. In that moment, I wondered if things could ever be better than this. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking, ‘Wow, this is us!’ … and it was quite a special moment in time.

You are desperately trying to move around now Sweetpea. I don’t know if it is the desperation to keep up with your siblings or because you are busy by nature… but I like to think that it is because you have an adventurous heart. You rolled for the first time this month. On the 23rd of October. Just three and a half months old. You rolled from your front to your back. If you had enough upper body strength, you would have crawled off by now too. You have been lifting your legs, trying to shift them forward from underneath you for a while too… but your body goes nowhere. Yay, I have a little longer before we celebrate that milestone. Yay because I can continue to tickle you in the folds of your neck to hear that dirty belly laugh, without you being able to crawl away.

You look lovely in Autumn Dexi, your first Autumn. We have wrapped you up a little warmer lately, to keep you from getting a chill. It’s funny. I’ve always loved this season but I feel like I forgot to notice things, how my world changes around me. The colours, the smells…Just everything. And then, I wanted you to see it. So I had to find it to show you. Show you how the leaves change colour and texture, how the mornings feel cooler and even the sound of the rain dancing over your rain cover while we are out walking. It’s like I get to see it all, for the first time again.

We visited a Pumpkin Patch too sweetheart. A first for us all. It was a beautiful day and the sun shone on us. I wore you around the muddy field, holding you close as your body fell heavy and you dozed off to sleep. You were content, peaceful. Noah pushed the wheelbarrow and Ellenah found our pumpkin friends. She chose you one too. It was fun and we smiled a lot. I sat with you on a hay bale while I drank tea from a polystyrene cup and ate a homemade marshmallow and rice crispy cake from a van when we were finished. Sun beams washed over us and I remember stroking your back, closing my eyes with my face slanted to the sky and feeling so happy.

It was Halloween this month too. I dressed you as a little pumpkin and took you trick or treating with Noah and Ellenah. Again, it was the first time that we had been. I didn’t used to understand why it was fun. Knocking on peoples doors, hoping for sweeties. I do now. I used to be a nervous Mama I think. A little shy perhaps. Wanting to keep my bubble a little smaller. Trying to organise and control the fun, maybe. But I’ve realised that I don’t want you, Noah and Ellenah to think small, limited or restricted. I want you to jump in and make every day great. So I am changing. You are changing me. All three of you are making me in to the kind of Mum that I dreamed that I could become one day. You deserve a Mummy who is confident, fun and free. Oh darling, we are going to have the most fun, you’ll see. I’m going to have to make life interesting really. You are into everything. Curious and a tiny bit nosey.

One thing in particular that captures you is food. You watch us all eat, you chew at our hands, fingers and your own and you make little bite and chewing motions while sitting with us at the dinner table. We let you hold a banana this month to see what you would do with it. I think you liked the idea of it. You spat out every bit but you did NOT want us to take it away either. I know one thing, you made a lot of mess but you knew exactly what to do with it. I suspect that weaning is going to be a lot of fun with you…but that is another chapter for another month. We are still breastfeeding right now and we both love it so much. All the while you will let me feed you on my own, i’m all yours. You will never know how much this breastfeeding journey has meant to me. What this bonding time has done for my heart and soul. I have loved and continue to love every minute. We have tried to introduce a bottle of expressed milk at bedtime lately because I am due to leave you for a few hours in the evening in November… I’m trying to prepare for leaving you properly for the first time. I won’t be close by. But… you absolutely hate it and just want to be with mama. I’ll let you in on a secret baby boy… I hate it too.

Just like every month, my little hair pulling beast… You have surprised me endlessly. My love for you has overwhelmed me and I think my heart grew again to make extra room for you, your brother and your sister. Just like every month, I feel so grateful, to have the three of you.

Seriously Dexi, this is us. Incredible, isn’t it?

I love you,

From, Mama x

p.s. I’ve made another video for you… So that I can remember you in the month that you were four months old x



A Letter To My Unborn Baby

Dear Baby Boy,

I know that it must sound strange, when I say this out loud, but… I’m certain that I already know you. I feel like I know who you are, what you will be like. I know it sounds weird, maybe? I don’t claim to be psychic or to know things that I have no way of knowing yet. Not usually anyway. But… I am so sure about this. I’m so sure about you.

We’ve been getting to know each other for almost forty weeks now. That’s a long time. You can probably feel what I am feeling before I have understood my emotions myself. You, the little baby boy, ever so comfortable in the pit of my stomach where a lot of my decisions are decided upon. You, who has rested within my tired body at the end of each day. Tired from sickness, pelvic girdle pain or simple fatigue. Fatigue from being a mother to your brother and sister. Two people who are ever so excited to meet you and to love you forever. You, who has made my heart grow bigger than I ever imagined possible, at the same time as growing my body to be the perfect place and size for you to stay a while.

Pregnancy has been hard for me but being with you all of this time, has been one of the easiest, most lovely things that I could ever do. You will forever be a part of me now, even when you are out here in the world with me. Being your mother is easier to me than breathing. Words will never truly describe the overwhelming, unconditional love that comes with you being my son.

Our time as one person will be coming to an end soon. In just days, you could be a human being in this big, wide world. It might seem scary to you when you are out here. There are a lot of people and sometimes, it isn’t always easy for everyone to get along. But, it is a beautiful place and you are being born in to a family who adore you and want for you to see the good, be the good, be the change and to have the happiest life. Please know this though… I am and will always be your home. Always!

As your mama, I wish for so many things for you. Things that years ago, I probably would never have thought to say. We live in a world whereby the lines are often blurred. People mistake success and true happiness by how much money they have, how many holidays they have had and how important they think that they are. Please don’t accept that!

Please never be defined by money. Some of the happiest people in the world have nothing and would still give away the last of anything they have. Please always choose love over gold. If you have empathy and kindness in your heart, you have made it.

Please have heart in all of the things that you do. Don’t follow the crowd when it comes to travel… Or at all if you can help it. You will never truly get to know a place from a sun lounger. Go off of the beaten track. Open your eyes and see how people live. Learn. Explore. Always say yes to adventure. Feed your soul with life.

Please don’t ever think that if one day in your life, you are collecting coffee for a CEO somewhere, that he or she is more important than you. Never think that anyone is better than you. Never let anyone tell you that they are. They are not. Please Son, if you are ever the CEO…treat everyone as you would want them to treat you, never expect someone to do something that you aren’t prepared to do and always remember that you need to be kind to the people on your way up, you could just as easily meet them again on the way back down. You are no better than the next person.

BUT, we are all different and that is a good thing. Diversity is a good thing, something to celebrate. In your life, you might hear the phrase ‘divide and conquer’… That isn’t a good thing. Please always try and remember that we aren’t meant to be alone. We aren’t meant to be by ourselves. Be someone who makes the word ‘united’ mean something. Treat people like they matter because they do. Everyone has thoughts, feelings and you can’t judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes…and even then, it isn’t your place to.

Oh baby boy… there is so much more that I want to say to you, to tell you… but for right now, I am going to treasure these last days of carrying you in my body. As excited as I am to meet you and as much as I am looking forward to everything that is to come, don’t come out until you are ready. You have time and I will always be that mama that wishes time would slow down because my children grow up so fast…So don’t let me rush you now!

Just know this… When the sound of my beating heart gives you comfort, peace and you can feel my love rush around you as you wiggle and lay down to sleep in there… Out here, when the time is right for you… You will never feel more loved. I will hold you in my arms and watch you sleep for hours and I will give you everything that you could ever possibly need. Your family have made space for you and you are so wanted. I can’t imagine that you will ever feel alone. I know that you won’t be. And out here, whenever you lay your sleepy head down to rest, you will still feel my love rush around you… and Daddy’s… and Noah’s… and Ellenah’s.

I love you little bumpy and I look forward to being able to look in to your beautiful eyes and tell you that in person soon.

From Mama x


This wasn’t the video that I had imagined making back when I first saw the cross on that pregnancy test to tell me that I was going to be a mama-to-be again. I imagined something beautiful. I at least thought that I would have done my hair…maybe put a bit of lippy on… but no! This was the best I could do at the time. This was all that I had in my tired, sickly body to create. I say create…ha! I just ended up pointing the camera at myself one night, crying and looking very blotchy while I shared the most amazing news to YouTube Land.

Still, I watched this back today and as the tears threatened my eyes yet again… I smiled to myself. Smiled because we (me and our baby) have come so far in the short time between then and now. I can accept this for the memory now. I can accept this as part of the journey now… I don’t feel guilty anymore. The truth is, it ain’t easy growing a human and actually, I’m doin’ okay.

If you would like to follow my pregnancy, you can subscribe HERE. I ask for a lot of advice in my video’s, so  I always appreciate any advice, tips and support. It’s crazy being out here on this journey again. Lots has changed since I was pregnant with my daughter Ellenah, who is now five. The YouTube community has become my diary, bible and such a big support to me as a mama, I would love to have you join me there.

And for all of you lovely ladies who are currently pregnant, bless you! I hope you are having beautiful, glowing and safe pregnancies. For those who are currently TTC, you are in my thoughts and hopes that you are blessed soon.


Ria x















12 week scan

Tuesday 13th December 2016

Today was our 12 week scan. The official one. The one with the warm gel that they plop on my lower tummy, the gel that gets everywhere… and the prodding until we see our little ray of sunshine on the screen. The one that we should have had first.

I was ready for this one though. I had managed to drink the water. I had managed to keep it down. My bladder was full and I was ready to see my baby properly, with open, conscious eyes… Unlike through a dehydrated blur at the 9 week transvaginal scan.

I was excited, nervous…scared! The sickness was still rife so in the back of my mind, I still had that fear that I had somehow hurt my little person. I was still quite terrified that I hadn’t been able to offer up any goodness to help him or her get established. Especially when all I could keep down lately were salty McDonalds fries and all things terrible for me… and the baby. I was doing my best but I had that awful doubt in my heart that it was going to be good enough this time.

But… Just like last time, our baby proved to be much stronger than me.

We were shown the heartbeat first. That beautiful, train track heartbeat. So small but so incredible. And, I smiled hard as I looked upon this moving image of the little one growing in my tummy. I smiled because he or she chose to stay. Chose to fight to stay with me. I smiled because we were fighting for each other every day, loved each other every day, chose each other every day but had to wait so long still, to meet each other properly. I smiled because I could imagine that day.

I could imagine the warmth of my baby, nestled in my arms or laying on my chest, falling asleep to the sound of my heartbeat… The sound that it would know so well.

I could have stayed there for days watching our baby just be. I already knew that I would miss this moment as soon as it had passed. Already excited for the next scan so that we could ‘be together again’.

The baby didn’t enjoy the scan so much though. It would seem that he or she is stubborn, a tough cookie even. Refusing to move, to change positions… no matter how many times I had to wiggle, jump up and down, do a half wee, and a little bit more and then a full one. The need to cooperate obviously wasn’t a priority for our sleepy babe. With a flick of the hand to communicate disgust at being disturbed, we didn’t get very far.

Far enough to be told not to worry though… Everything is looking as it should. Everything is looking good.

And, Matt and I left as happy parents-to-be (again!)




A New Chapter

They say that ‘sometimes…the things that we can’t change, end up changing us!’

In just a day, I have gone from riding on the back of someone else’s new chapter, holding on for dear life, to being fiercely thrust into my own. I innocently thought that I was preparing Noah to return to school, to work hard in year three and to look out for his little sister who would be starting school with him, for the first time. I put my energy into getting them there yesterday morning, on time and with everything they needed. I used my strength, needed it desperately so that I wouldn’t fall apart. I was determined not to cry in front of her… I didn’t want her to think that she needed to stay with me. I did sob… but I waited until she was happy playing. I waited until she didn’t look for me anymore. It didn’t take very long. She was okay… She was busy starting that chapter which I mentioned before.

And as I walked away from her, I felt lost in myself somewhere. Words weren’t making much sense and I was half way home before I realised that I was walking anywhere.

It took me that long to realise that I had been stranded at the start of my own ‘new direction’. Left to sink or swim. I haven’t been by myself in a really long time. Not for a substantial amount of time. Not like I will now.

And last night I sat…I pondered what I would do with it! The spare time? I considered what it would do to me.

Would it change my mind about how insanely I hope that we will be blessed with a third child? Will I take up baking, knitting? Will I learn a new language? Will I grow to like it? Will I remain lost? Will I grow roots in my local Costa while writing that book that I have dreamt of having published? Will I read more, create more? Will I simply count down the seconds until my favourite people in the world come home to me, their mama?

Will I become obsessed with adult colouring books?

Will I fall in love with running again?

Will I say yes to more opportunities, more invites?

Will I spend my time missing my children and wondering what they are up to?

Will I eat too much brie and cherry tomatoes?

Will I take up painting?

Will I walk for hours because I have nothing better to do?

Will I be okay?

I have to be don’t I? I want to be! I have to fall in love with this next chapter. My new chapter. I have to enjoy it because I want the children to enjoy theirs and they learn from how I live life. I want us to come back together, around the dinner table and talk about the awesome things that have happened in our happy days. And…It just makes sense to me that life is better when you are smiling, laughing.

Life is better when you are achieving, pushing yourself, getting closer to your dreams coming true and closer to reaching your goals. Life is no joke!

My new chapter will be exactly what I make it. I have to let it change me, for all of the good that it can do.

It could make me a better mother, more patient, more organised, more fun. I think that I’m a good mum now. I’m kind, caring…warm. We have a lot of fun, a lot of laughs…but it could be even better if I let it. If I strive for it. If I make the best of ‘this’. Couldn’t it?

Is it okay that my new chapter doesn’t sound so bad now? Is it okay that It will be nice to tell my children about it?

It could teach them so much, don’t you think? About how we have to keep moving forward, how we have to stay flexible because the world is always changing and we have to be able to adapt, find the good. Take a sad song and make it better?

About how we have to choose happiness and enjoy each day as much as possible. About how we all should endeavour to find the good in everything, everyone…ourselves?

About how we should try our hardest not to waste days, even the seconds. Time can be a beast but we can’t let it go to waste.

About how we mustn’t regret and we mustn’t dwell.

I think so….

I also think that this could be something wonderful for me…and of course my lovely littles… and man.

What do you think? What would you do with a chapter like this one?

Love, Ria x