Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

Dear Ellenah,

Mama is now 37+4 weeks pregnant with your baby brother. Time will soon close on your promotion, how does that feel? For a long time, Daddy and I thought that you would be the baby of the family and now, you are going to be a big sister. It’s funny that you are my most feisty, strong-willed and sassy child and I am knowingly making you my ‘middle child’. I know that some people think I must be mad for doing so. But I can’t wait to see you shine brightly between your two brothers.

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

I can see how you will be the bossy, stubborn and sometimes sly, little sister to Noah and the protective, nurturing and incredibly gentle big sister to your baby brother. You are going to grow and change in the most wonderful ways over the next couple of years. I can already see how much you love him and you haven’t officially met yet. You will learn so much about yourself and we will learn so much about you too. Being a sister to both of them is going to really allow your personality to take shape, be well rounded, spark your empathy and compassion… All while remaining the sweetest little girl, who we know, love and adore.

I don’t worry about you getting lost in the midst of ‘Team Langner’. You are everything that comes with the quote ‘Though She Be But Little, She Is Fierce’. You will never be left out, pushed aside or in any way, loved less. You bring too much happiness, joy, comedy and spirit to our gang. There is nothing invisible about you.

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

Being from a big family and having three big sisters, my biggest support network… I did have the fleeting worry that you would not have one. I wondered who you would lean on when you want to talk about boys as you grow up, or to talk about how your friendship group has changed…How you are feeling when you think that nobody understands. I wondered who would be your maid of honour at your wedding if that is ever a path you choose. I tormented myself with the reality that you wouldn’t have anyone to ‘girl talk’ with late in to the night.

And then I realised…You have me. And suddenly, you being my only girl became something very special. I realised how far we have come and how close we are and not only that…how open we are with each other already. We have a special opportunity for our bond to become even tighter, if that is even possible. I realised that I would happily stay up, late into the night talking about your life with you. Be that about boys, your friends, your body as it changes… and I will always try and understand how you are feeling. I will always listen. I dream about the girly shopping trips that we will take, trips to the spa that we will hustle daddy to pay for and trips to the theatre. And even though I will be too old for ‘maid of honour’ status… wild horses couldn’t keep me away from coming with you to choose and pay for your wedding dress. Most importantly, I will be right by your side, lifting you up, being your biggest cheerleader through childhood, teenage years and growing into a woman. I will be there watching you choose your dreams. I will be there to help you chase them and I have no doubt in my mind that when walls stand between you and reaching them… I will be there to watch you crash through them.

Ellenah & Pregnancy With Baby #3

A new chapter is unfolding very soon my darling… and I can’t wait to see you throw yourself into it. You are not just a middle child Ellenah…You are my child. My daughter. And I love you!

Love, Mama x

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12 week scan

Tuesday 13th December 2016

Today was our 12 week scan. The official one. The one with the warm gel that they plop on my lower tummy, the gel that gets everywhere… and the prodding until we see our little ray of sunshine on the screen. The one that we should have had first.

I was ready for this one though. I had managed to drink the water. I had managed to keep it down. My bladder was full and I was ready to see my baby properly, with open, conscious eyes… Unlike through a dehydrated blur at the 9 week transvaginal scan.

I was excited, nervous…scared! The sickness was still rife so in the back of my mind, I still had that fear that I had somehow hurt my little person. I was still quite terrified that I hadn’t been able to offer up any goodness to help him or her get established. Especially when all I could keep down lately were salty McDonalds fries and all things terrible for me… and the baby. I was doing my best but I had that awful doubt in my heart that it was going to be good enough this time.

But… Just like last time, our baby proved to be much stronger than me.

We were shown the heartbeat first. That beautiful, train track heartbeat. So small but so incredible. And, I smiled hard as I looked upon this moving image of the little one growing in my tummy. I smiled because he or she chose to stay. Chose to fight to stay with me. I smiled because we were fighting for each other every day, loved each other every day, chose each other every day but had to wait so long still, to meet each other properly. I smiled because I could imagine that day.

I could imagine the warmth of my baby, nestled in my arms or laying on my chest, falling asleep to the sound of my heartbeat… The sound that it would know so well.

I could have stayed there for days watching our baby just be. I already knew that I would miss this moment as soon as it had passed. Already excited for the next scan so that we could ‘be together again’.

The baby didn’t enjoy the scan so much though. It would seem that he or she is stubborn, a tough cookie even. Refusing to move, to change positions… no matter how many times I had to wiggle, jump up and down, do a half wee, and a little bit more and then a full one. The need to cooperate obviously wasn’t a priority for our sleepy babe. With a flick of the hand to communicate disgust at being disturbed, we didn’t get very far.

Far enough to be told not to worry though… Everything is looking as it should. Everything is looking good.

And, Matt and I left as happy parents-to-be (again!)

 

 

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The Secret Is Out

Wednesday 16th November 2016

So after standing my family up on Remembrance Sunday because I was being sick every two minutes, I had to tell them why. I couldn’t lie anymore. I couldn’t make up any more excuses. I couldn’t keep it from them. I had a feeling that suddenly things were going to get a little harder in how I felt and hiding my news used up too much energy. Energy that I needed to keep hold of while I lost more and more dignity, by spending too much time facing the bottom of the toilet where little bits of bile often ended up in my hair.

I know that I’m not facing a particularly glamorous chapter in pregnancy. I know this isn’t the ‘glowing, beautiful hair, smiley’ moment. It definitely isn’t that bit. And I needed my peoples, to pull me through it. To grab me by the hand and laugh when I tell them how I was sick on a neighbours flower bed on the school run (true-fucking-story!)

I needed them to be my voices of reason after I spent a day crying because I was so hungry… and I needed them to roll their eyes and tell me off for that a bit. I needed some tough love and true to form, they were right there for me, telling me to ‘woman up’.

Suddenly, it went from the wrong thing to do… to tell them about my pregnancy before we had the scan to give us the nod that everything was okay… to exactly the right thing to do. Exactly the right thing.

And so, in the blur of sickness, cravings, hunger, emotions and more sickness, all of the things that are bringing me down and making me feel flat… I have found something very happy in this week. Something to lift my spirits and the best people to share my excitement with.

With Love,

One Happy Mama-To-Be (Again!), Ria x

 

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The Pregnancy Diaries #1- I'm Pregnant'

It’s currently 09:53am on Saturday the 22nd of October 2016. I’m sat in the living room with Noah and Ellenah and we are still on our pyjamas. I haven’t opened the curtains yet. The blinds are well and truly closed. I can see the blinding sunlight beaming through the gaps and it looks like it is going to be a beautiful Autumn day. Probably a little crisp but warm from the gorgeous sunshine.

I’m not ready to let the daylight in yet. I’m not ready to feel exposed to anything outside the walls of our home. The walls protecting the secret from last night. Last night when weeks late for my period, I shut myself in the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I wasn’t hopeful, I was certain that the test would be negative. I felt a little angered that I had to take another one to be told ‘Nope, not this month…again!’. Just a week earlier, I had done the same thing. I sneaked upstairs before making the Sunday lunch and feeling confident, so sure that I had a baby in my tummy, I took a test. It was negative. And I was certain that this one would be too. I was preparing myself inside, to deal with another bold line, another flat no. Dealing with the fact that inside, I felt pregnant, like I did before the last test. Dealing with the fact that maybe, at thirty years old… I don’t know my body at all.

I heard little feet hitting the stairs as I sat there. I heard the little voices of my beautiful children, excitedly getting ready for bed. I heard a knock at the bathroom door.

‘Ree, are you alright? Matt asked as he pressed against it.

I don’t think I answered. I was focussed on watching the pee quickly moving along the window of the pregnancy test. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I saw the flat line appear, that I had seen many times before. But this one had another line going through it. A cross. A pregnancy cross. My eyes flicked to the next window. The one that tells me whether or not the test actually worked. I couldn’t breathe and my eyes filled with tears…and after what felt like an eternity, there it appeared. It showed me that after months of trying, I was going to have a baby. I was pregnant.

I am pregnant. I am going to be a mama again. To the one that we have been waiting for, to complete our little bunch.

I felt myself breathe out and my hand went straight to my stomach. I held it. Held my baby. To say ‘Hi’. To say ‘I love you!’ and I smiled. I smiled with my whole body.

And because Matt hadn’t had an answer, he fumbled at the door to open it. I pushed it shut quickly. I didn’t want him to see me like that, still sitting on the toilet, trousers around my ankles, holding the test that would tell him that he will be a Dad again. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to be in the moment with him when I told him.

I pulled myself together and swung open the door that he was standing an inch from, waiting for me. I held up the test, I smiled…

‘I’m pregnant!’ I told him.

And it was like he could finally breathe out. He smiled loudly. If that makes sense.

‘I’m so happy. I’m really happy!’ He said. And I believed every word.

I'm Pregnant


And that is when the secrets began. Our biggest secret that we had to keep from Noah and Ellenah. From our families and friends. Until we knew that everything would be alright. Until we knew for definite that this was actually happening. That life was truly blessing us with another beautiful baby to love and to raise.

And it was also the moment that we placed ourselves in a bubble. A bubble of happiness, overwhelming joy and love.

And that is why it took me until lunchtime to open the curtains and let the light in. The shining light which reflects exactly how life feels today. Lovely, warm, bright and just so wonderful.

I can’t quite put in to words how much I love this little life already. To explain how much I will always love it. To explain how much I want it. Today I feel truly blessed. So incredibly lucky. So in love with him or her and all of my little family.

Words will never do this feeling justice…

With So Many Smiles & Love,

Ria x

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