Teacher Envy

I saw her black, patent shoes first. One still flashes. The other, only does sometimes.

Her cheeky, little face peered around some legs and her eyes searched for mine in the crowd of open-armed mama’s. The mama’s waiting for their favourite, little humans to clamber bulkily out of the classroom door. Book bags and lunch boxes hooked over arms. Sweaters and cardigans scrunched up in to a ball in their sweaty palms.

Ellenah held onto her things tightly and stepped forward hesitantly. Her eyes were open wide and lips pressed together, in anticipation to find me.  She shuffled on her feet, eyes scouting the crowd.

And then our eyes met.

This has quickly become my favourite part of the day. Meeting my little people again, after hours apart…Hours of being by myself, keeping busy and trying not to miss them.

Anyway… Our eyes met again and within seconds, she was in my arms, smiling…happy.

Today she showed me a picture that she spent time drawing at school. It was a little, smiley girl and a taller one , with big hair and another happy face.

I had seen this picture a lot over the Summer. It was when Ellenah discovered her love of drawing pictures of us together. Pictures of us in the park, us in the sea, us when we went camping, us having a picnic… Us everywhere, together.

Except when I asked about this picture, I was told that it wasn’t me in it. It was Ellenah…and her teacher. Shall we call her ‘Miss Mum Replacement Wonderful’.

And… It was like taking a bullet.

I remember this feeling, when Noah started school. I know that I have worse to come. The whole ‘My Teacher Said…’ malarkey.

I hated it all then and I hate it now. I’m not in the slightest a jealous person by nature. I can usually find the happiness in most things. This though, it made my heart hurt a little. I felt ‘Teacher Envy’ rise up and burn my chest.

And, it’s crazy to admit it but the idea that Ellenah likes another woman more than she likes me, is horrid. The idea that she searches for her face throughout the day, for comfort… or anything. I can’t stand it.

I don’t want to feel this insecure.

I don’t want to feel sad that ‘Miss Wonderful’ gets to see how happy Ellenah is when she feels proud of herself. I don’t want her to see Ellenah’s beautiful face light up at story time. I don’t want her to be pulled in, as part of my girls’ games.

Of course, none of this is true either.

I want Ellenah to be so unbelievably happy at school. I want her to tell me lovely things about her day. I want her face to light up because Miss Wonderful gave her a sticker for tidying up, good listening… sharing and I want her to feel cared about while she is there. A home away from home… Almost.

So… I’ll have to hold on to the weight of her as she falls in to my arms at the end of the school day. And when it isn’t raining, we’ll walk as slowly as we can so that she can tell me and her big brother about her lovely teacher, her lovely day and her lovely moments away from us.

And we will share it all with her, every step of the way.

And I will be the best mama that I can be to her, always. Every second of the day.

We will love each other unconditionally.

Teacher Envy

So when I think about it, there is no competition, is there?

Everything is actually wonderful as it should be.

With Love, Ria x

P.S. Has this happened to you? How did it make you feel? x






Ellenah starting school is naturally something that I want to remember. Something that I would like her to look back on and remember too. So I tried my hardest to capture as much of the day as I could in a vlog (on my second channel). This new chapter for us both has at times made me feel afraid, made me feel sad, made me feel awfully strange…As bittersweet as it is, I am truly excited for her. I am excited about being a part of this new adventure for her. I’m excited for the school plays, school projects, school trips that I will nominate myself to chaperone…The school disco’s, church service’s and sports days.

In years to come, I want her to know that we chose a place that we believe to be right for her. A place that will make her happy. A place that she will enjoy going to, five days of the week. I want her to know that we chose her school in love. I want her to see how much we love her and how much these precious moments, milestones and times matter to us. How much she matters.

So I will probably show her this when she is older. And I will no doubt watch it time and time again when I am too!

With Love, Ria x


Ellenah Is Starting School

Today is the day that my beautiful little girl starts primary school. My beautiful little girl  who has lived wildly and free throughout this summer. My little Ellenah with the grazed knees, muddy tan, bright blonde hair and big blue eyes. She still smells like summer. A little like freshly cut grass, berry stained finger tips, campfires and salty beads of sweat from a lot of running around, through the tree’s and out into the open space of the countryside.

Ellenah Is Starting School

The summer holidays are officially over…and with it goes our freedom to stay up late making Pinterest smores and snuggling under blankets so that she can fall asleep, her face aglow from the flickering fire that kept us warm.

Ellenah Is Starting School

And instead of the lazy mornings spent eating fruit salads, reading stories, playing hide and seek and making the day wait for us… suddenly, time caught up with us. And instead of the little summer shoes by the front door, now there are some black, patent school shoes which light up. They go beautifully with her little, grey skirt and emblemed, blue cardigan (which make her eyes smile). She has a book bag, a p.e. bag, plimsolls and some cute little gym shorts which make her legs look like twigs. It’s all labelled. All labelled with the name that she has spent the summer perfecting how to write. Ellenah. It is all ready to go.

But is she? Am I ready for her to leap into her next chapter?

Ellenah Is Starting School

Everything that I am has gone in to raising my daughter. Ever since I saw those lines on that pregnancy test I have tried my hardest to be everything that she will ever need from a mother. And even though some days she can be defiant, strong willed and dare I say it, tough… I love her unconditionally. I have loved watching her find out who she is. I have loved being a part of it. I love how she surprises me, everyday. I love how kind she can be. And even before all of this… I loved watching her learn to walk, talk, sing and dance. I loved watching her feed herself, hold her own cup, learn how to use her knife and fork. I have enjoyed watching her learn, reach her milestones and keep achieving. I have also held it close to my heart that she has let me play my part in it. She has let me play a role in her life. She has let me care for her, teach her and be there with and for her…each step of the way.

And now, things will have to change for us both.

Today, I have to wave goodbye to her at the same classroom door that started Noah’s ‘school chapters’. I have to stand there and hope that I don’t break..or at least that she doesn’t see it if I do. I have to let her say goodbye to me and me to her. I have to walk away. Without her. I have to start letting her go. I have to start letting her grow up and find out who she is, more than ever. She needs to know who Ellenah is…away from me.

It isn’t going to be easy.

I look at her and cuddle her at night before she goes to sleep and she is still so small in my arms, still so tiny. Still my perfect baby girl…Isn’t she?!

Ellenah has been waiting for this moment. She is desperate to know how to read and she loves playing with others. Every single day this summer, she has asked me how long there is left until her first day at school. Her smile has beamed when i’ve told her ‘it isn’t long now!’

Ellenah Is Starting School

As she goes off today to embark on her school career, I will wonder which miniature chair is hers. I will wonder if her desk has a slide out tray. I will wonder who she will sit next to and hope that she gets a seat by the window. I will think of her peg where she will hang her coat and bags. I will imagine her in her first nativity play where she may be cast as an angel. I will think of the mothers day service at the church, the easter celebrations…sports day! I will feel excited when I picture her trotting out of school happily, searching for my smile in the crowd of mums and leaping over to tell me about her day. When I think about it for a few moments, I can feel her arms wrap around me. I can feel her warmth. I can hear her say ‘hello!’… and I am so excited for her.

As she goes off today to embark on her school career, I will hope that she remembers her manners and how important it is to be polite, to say please and thank you. I hope that she will be kind-hearted to her school friends. I hope that she cares about their feelings. I hope that she is respectful of her teachers and of everything that they try to teach her. I hope that my sometimes slightly feral little girl continues to blossom and shine just like she always does and in the way that always brightens every day.

Ellenah Is Starting School

Today will be hard. Everything is changing.


I want Ellenah to be everything that she can be. I want her to know and understand as much as she can. I want her to know about herself, that she is a force to be reckoned with. A beautiful force of energy who can make her dreams come true, whatever they may be…but she has to start somewhere, start small. I want her to fall in love with learning things. I want her to soak up as much as she can because knowledge is power. I want her to build true friendships with people who she will treasure in her adult years. I want her to have the freedom to love school without her worrying about me missing her.

I want her to be happy, always. I’m confident that school will make her happy…so how could I ever be sad?

Love, Ria x



Katie Fay's Bridal Shower

This afternoon, Ellenah and I walked to pre-school together. The sun was warm, radiant and beautiful as it shone over the gorgeous pink blossoms which are standing strong in the transition between seasons. We held hands and talked about life through her eyes. Her doll with the purple hair who she calls ‘Love Heart’ was poorly today and she had spent the morning nursing her better and sharing her strawberries with her. I was asked to check on her as soon as I returned home. I was asked to hug her and make sure that she wasn’t hungry or thirsty. Of course, I agreed! What mother wouldn’t play along with such a pretty little game and one that brings out such a sweet side to her littlest child? She hasn’t always played like this. In fact, her imagination and ability to dive in to role play or the make believe, well…this is new territory.

As we walked, I couldn’t help but compare Ellenah to the blossoms that we shimmied past.

In my bag were the documents that would confirm her place at school in September. In my bag were the documents that identified me as her mother and Ellenah as my child… because her having the same hair as I once did, the same love to dance, the same stubbornness or the same smile wasn’t enough proof. In my bag was my signature which officially decided her next steps, next chapter… her path. And once I had handed her over to her lovely key workers to join in with ‘Rising Fives’ (school preparation)… I would walk the few steps to her future school reception and enrol her into the system, in to her school career.

It was a quick process, we made small talk about over subscriptions and what I will do without any children to run around after throughout the school day… and I could feel a surge of emotion burn my chest. I could feel how badly I wanted to cry. I could feel how badly I didn’t want to think about it or face my reality. I could feel how badly I wanted to change my mind and be selfish. I could feel how badly I craved a little more time.

Anyway, back to the blossom and my little girl. Just like the beautiful flowers that pop up when we least expect them, I hoped that Ellenah would do the same. She has always been beautiful but for a long while I had worried about her readiness to face school with the other children her age. Her interest in anything learning wasn’t where the parenting books thought it ‘should be’ I suppose. I feared that she would be behind and she would struggle. Her speech was delayed…which was no problem to me, I knew that (just like her brother) she would get it when she was ready. And suddenly, out of nowhere she did. Much like the blossom, Ellenah popped up out of nowhere and astounded us all with just how much she knew, how much she was keeping in, holding back and just how ready she is.

And quite sadly, like the pink blanket of surprise around us right now, this time will pass and I will have to send her to school in September… And It will be exactly what she is ready for. She will have her hair in two braids on her first day, pleats in her skirt, sensible shoes, a book bag and her lunch box. She will smile nervously while her big, blue eyes will be wide with excitement…and she will wave me goodbye at her classroom door. I will cry once she has gone. I know this because I could cry right now. I will feel like a little more of me is missing. And…my little heart will ache for a while.

And…over the years I will remember this day, the blossom and my little girl. As she grows and continues to surprise me with all that she does, all that she is and all that she grows to be.

Blossom And My Little Girl