two months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexi two months with baby dexi two months with baby dexitwo months with baby dexi

Dear Dexi,

It makes me want to physically cry when I say it out loud that you are two months old. It feels like it actually hurts my heart. Just a couple of days ago, we were sat together, having a cuddle… You were asleep and I was as some would say, stuck beneath you. It was one of those times that I knew I wouldn’t be able to move or even breath too deeply because it would wake you. You’ve been a light sleeper since the day that you were born. The smallest sound will instantly wake you. Most days I try… try and place you gently in your sleepyhead or your moses basket to nap for an hour a couple of times a day, like your brother and sister used to. Heck… I’ve tried laying you in the centre of our bed, on the couch, on cushions on the floor and nothing will work. Nothing will settle you enough. As soon as you are not in my arms, you know. Sometimes it feels like even if you’re sleeping on my chest or in my loving arms, if I’m even thinking of moving you… your eyes will ping open, as if you had never fallen asleep… just to prevent me from moving. So anyway, on this day, I gave in. I just let you sleep on my chest, cozy, content and fast asleep. Your tiny body was heavy and your arms relaxed, weighty over my chest and draped at my sides. I was happy in that moment. I could smell your hair, I stroked your cheeks with one thumb and held one of your hands in mine. I watched your body rise and fall with each breath and noticed how much you had grown since I sat in that exact spot with you on the day that you were born. You had changed so much. Your face was much less squidgy and your arms and legs, not so scrawny. They had a healthy layer of fat covering them now which pleased me. In that moment, I looked around our living room… At the little trail of chaos that comes with taking care of a new baby. There was a bouncy chair, a sleepyhead pod, blankets, nappies, wipes, your change bag with the contents bulging out from when I had tried to find something, baby vests, baby grows, dummies (that you wouldn’t entertain because you only liked the green one with the hedgehog on it) and it just made me smile. It’s crazy how much mess one baby who relies on you for everything can make. But, my smile fell off of my face quite quickly if i’m honest. The reality of you growing up faster and faster every day darkened my thoughts. I looked around again and the thought of our living room not looking like this one day, full with your things from being new to the world, made me sad. The thought that one day our home would be neat and tidy, it upset me. And then I realised that I need to hold on to these baby days for dear life because they go by so fast and when they are gone, I will miss them… I will miss this… I will miss you like this, just as I do your big brother and sister.

Every day I wake up and look at you laying next to me in the bed and I still can not believe that you are mine, how lucky I am… how truly wonderful you are. I consciously try and notice everything about you. Every growth, every small change, every development. I have to know everything about you.

I don’t want to forget that at six weeks, you found your hands. You held your fists in front of your face, a look of such pride sat in your eyes because you had managed to get them up and keep them there. You stared so hard at them, overwhelmed by what was supposed to happen next and I could see your eyes cross and lose focus. I watched you concentrate so hard, for about a week until you figured out that you could do more with them. You think it is all kinds of wonderful when you wave your fists around like you are about to go twelve rounds in a boxing ring. You think it’s even better when you manage to knock a hanging toy, while laying on your play matt. Your eyes follow its movement and you love the noise it makes when that happens. Your favourite little toy is Crazy Croc right now. You stare at him for a long time. You are going to love punching him in the face over the next couple of months… in the most loving way of course.

I’ve watched your smile become a slight squeal which became your first small giggle this month. You have been able to better express just how happy you are. You think it is funny when you lay on the play mat and watch yourself in the mirror above you. I remember watching you giggle for the first time when you were laying there that day. You were so fascinated by your reflection… Not that I think for one second that you understood that was what it was… but you liked your happy little face looking back at you. We’ve named it ‘Mirror Friend’. Forty minutes you stayed there, smiling and squealing for the most part. From the first day when you were born, you were a baby who didn’t like to stay in one place for too long, easily growing bored… but not on the ‘laugh day’… that was special.

You have fallen in love with so many things this month… Other things apart from your family.

At only two months old, you have already been on two camping trips and the outdoors life is so obviously in your blood. You are happiest when outside and somewhat feral. Since then, you have changed the way that you feel about a comfortable rest in your Sleepyhead, opting for a nap on a camp chair in the garden instead. The breeze on your skin soothes you and the sun dancing over your face makes you instantly at ease.

You are fascinated and in awe of other children, especially your big brother and sister. You throw smiles at other children easily, eager to join in with them soon.

You have made friends with many fixtures in our home. The lights (Light Friend), a dream-catcher (Feather Friend), Curtains (Stripe Friend) and still, your old pal… the black and silver cushion (named ‘Friend’).

I don’t ever want to forget that, even as you’ve made so many ‘friends’… You don’t like anyone or anything more than you like me right now. I am your most favourite person in the whole, wide world still. I make jokes about it being because I have the milk and you are a hungry, growing boy… but actually it isn’t just that. I was reading something a couple of days ago and the truth of it, is that you still think that we are one person, a single entity, the same being. You don’t yet understand baby boy, that you are your own human. And for right now, that is the best thing that I could have ever read. It makes me feel excited about our bond and the difference that every song I sing to you makes. It makes me feel like I am cementing our relationship as mother and son that little more, every time I massage your hands and feet, speak to you for hours, with our faces almost touching so that you can see me clearly, tickle your feet gently, rub your back and stroke your tummy. I do all of these little things because I know that you love them. You kick, smile and squeal and I love it so much because I just want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy because I love you so much. You are worth every pair of tired arms from when I’ve danced the baby bop to get you to sleep, every puffy eye from another sleepless night, every back ache from where you have fallen asleep on my chest and I have stayed in the same awkward position for hours, just so you have enough rest. I wouldn’t have things any other way.

Some days, I still feel overwhelmed by my love for you. It is so fierce.

You make it ever so easy to love you too, sweetheart. Everybody loves Dexi. You have these big, smiling eyes that tell everyone exactly who you are and what  you are feeling. As you grow, they will be a blessing and a curse because you won’t be able to hide behind them. Your eyes will tell a thousand stories. Just like mine. Your eyes smile before your mouth does and they widen piercingly when you are worried about me leaving the room or when you hear a noise that startles you.

It’s funny to me, that for a baby with so much joy in his face, how much you make people work for a smile. You don’t throw them away easily. But when you do give them up, you have the most beautiful, gummy grin in the world and then there is no stopping you. It is so wonderful and so infectious.

You are wonderful… happy, playful and sweet.

And, I don’t know what I did to deserve you. My third blessing.

I love you, unconditionally

From, Mama x

P.S. Dexi, my darling… I made another little video for you to watch when you are older. I hope you like it as much as I do. Two months old looked beautiful on you and within your second month you changed so much each day… x

 

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My little Blog has been a completely forgotten in recent days, weeks and months… It has fallen way behind my reality. So in my best efforts, I want to try and catch things up. This little space on the internet really matters to me. It is my diary and I want to keep as much about not only my life but my little family’s life documented here. This was my 18 week pregnancy update and wow, things have changed a ton since making this video… It’s already crazy to look back on and it already makes me feel emotional watching it back. I’m on the last leg of this pregnancy now and this already feels like a lifetime ago. Still, I hope it helps someone out there, I hope y’all like it. Don’t forget to let me know if you do and of course, subscribe to my channel HERE to keep up with other updates and to meet baby when the time is right.

With Love,

Ria x

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Body Confidence // Dear Ellenah

To my sweet little Ellenah,

Did you know that once upon a time, the thought of having a little girl absolutely terrified me? In a time when so much comes down to who we are on the outside… and comparison (the thief of joy) plagues so many. It’s a scary time to be a girl or a woman, let alone to raise one.

It was hard enough when I was younger. People made comments about what I looked like, all of the time. I would return home from school on the daily and try to think of ways that I could make my legs shorter, ways to looks shorter…to blend in with the other girls my age. I would stare at my face in the mirror, for what felt like hours. Sometimes I would stare at it for so long that it would eventually distort my reflection and then I would walk away, happy. It was my way of hiding from myself. I did this because I was not happy with my outside and at the time, to me… that was what mattered the most.

I felt that because my outside didn’t please others, somehow it made who I was on the inside lesser, unimportant, less worthy.

I was wrong!

I was wrong about that and I was wrong to be scared of raising a little girl.

I was wrong about me because regardless of how I felt about myself back then, I always tried to be kinder than I felt. I always tried to treat people how I wanted others to treat me. I always tried to prevent others from feeling how I did. In that time, bit by bit… I learned about the things that actually matter.

Body Confidence // Dear Ellenah

I learned that your heart should be the most attractive thing about you and like any muscle, the more you use it in the right way, the stronger it will become. In life, if you are using your heart to say kind things to people (and of course, to yourself!), if you are using it to treat everyone as the equal, important humans that they are, to accept people for everything that they are, to love and to forgive, even when that feels hard… Your beautiful heart beams from within and becomes everything that you need, to be ‘beautiful’ on the outside.

And this is what I try and show you, every day.

Being beautiful, being perfect…These are not aspirations. Perfection isn’t real and beauty is skin deep. These goals are a waste of time, energy and nothing good can come from trying to be them.

If you were to ask me, when I feel most beautiful, my answer would be this…

It’s early in the morning, as the sun beams through the bedroom window. I hear the door squeak as it opens and you appear. Your big, blue eyes are heavy and your soft, tiny hand is crunched in to a ball, trying to rub the sleepiness away. Your dainty little footsteps pad along the floor and then from the side of my bed, you roll over me. You snuggle beneath the duvet and rest your head in my arms. And, your eyes meet mine in this secret moment between a mother and her daughter, before the world wakes up… I feel beautiful. I feel beautiful because as you cup your hand on my cheek and stroke my fresh but slightly ageing face, the look in your eyes reminds me that I am loved by you, no matter what. Despite the fine lines that appear when I smile and laugh, despite my messy hair, despite any of the things that mean that I am not perfect. You don’t care about those things… You see me and they don’t matter to you.

Body Confidence // Dear Ellenah

I feel beautiful because the ability to love from within, gave me your dad, gave me your brother and it gave me you.

I so desperately hope that you are the kind of girl who isn’t defined by what make-up you put on, how shiny your hair is, how much you weigh…who you appear to be.

I hope that in the future, any body shaming, mean words, comments designed to make you feel bad or doubt yourself, do not land. I hope they fall, like water off of a ducks back.

I so desperately hope that you have the courage to stand up and be you, unapologetically. I so desperately hope that you stand up and fiercely protect your right to love yourself.

I hope you don’t spend your time trying to adjust yourself to fit in, change yourself to please the world. Be brave, have confidence in exactly who you are and you may just end up changing the world.

Forget fad diets, forget what the media portrays, forget the filters that make you look flawless. That is not real life.

Be kind to yourself…eat the foods that will look after you. Don’t punish yourself though… eat the cake.

Don’t hate your body sweetheart. You are so blessed to have it. Run as fast as you can, dance in the rain, skip when you are feeling happy, climb trees, hike through forests , breathe deeply and feel gratitude for each and every day that you get to have in this world.

Body Confidence // Dear Ellenah

Of course, if it takes you a little time to become you, like it did me and you listen too much to those who try to bash you… I will always be here, loving you so hard, until you love yourself.

Because, you are a beautiful person Els. You are a sweet, kind-hearted soul. A diva…Yes! Fierce… Definitely! A force to be reckoned with… Absolutely! An absolute blessing to the world?

Ellenah, this big, wide world is incredibly and undoubtedly blessed to have you in it. Exactly as you are.

I love you!

– Mama x

 

 

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One of the Channel Mum topics this month was to talk about Baby Names. Why we named our children what we did, the reasoning behind them and maybe any other names that we may like. And this is a topic which I was very excited about.

Matt and I love the idea of another baby, one day. We can but hope that we will be blessed with a third little cherub to add to ‘Team Langner’- that is something that we know, something that we both agree on.

Names however, well… that is a completely different story.

During both of my pregnancies, I would search for hours on end for the perfect names to send our children out in to the world with. And… One by one, Matt would obliterate them all… Then offer up the most ridiculous joke names that he could think up. He thought he was funny. I didn’t so much.

Strangely though, as I finished editing my video where I talk about the names that I chose and the names that I like, Matt did suggest a beautiful boys name which I have never considered before. I think if we were ever lucky enough to have another boy, he would have a name. For now though, that name will remain a secret.

Names have always fascinated me. The responsibility to pick a good one is something that weighs heavily on any mother-to-be. You want to give your child the best chance at opportunities, making friends easily and to like who they are completely, right?

Let’s take my name for example! My name is Ria. While I like that my name spells ‘air’ backwards and that it is a little unique… I was named after the old lady from ‘Butterflies’ who couldn’t cook and wasn’t a particularly happy soul. My name also left me wide open to playground torment, since I can remember.

So I guess what I would like to know is, what names do you like? And why? And even though you like them, would you use them?

With Love, Ria x

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Ellenah starting school is naturally something that I want to remember. Something that I would like her to look back on and remember too. So I tried my hardest to capture as much of the day as I could in a vlog (on my second channel). This new chapter for us both has at times made me feel afraid, made me feel sad, made me feel awfully strange…As bittersweet as it is, I am truly excited for her. I am excited about being a part of this new adventure for her. I’m excited for the school plays, school projects, school trips that I will nominate myself to chaperone…The school disco’s, church service’s and sports days.

In years to come, I want her to know that we chose a place that we believe to be right for her. A place that will make her happy. A place that she will enjoy going to, five days of the week. I want her to know that we chose her school in love. I want her to see how much we love her and how much these precious moments, milestones and times matter to us. How much she matters.

So I will probably show her this when she is older. And I will no doubt watch it time and time again when I am too!

With Love, Ria x

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