Sunday 26th February 2017
Today is ’emergency scan day’. I had been dreading this day since my appointment letter was pushed through the door and had dropped on to the mat a couple of weeks before. I ripped it open as soon as it did and I remember feeling so upset that it had fallen on a day that meant Matt wouldn’t be able to come with me. The one scan I probably needed him to come to the most would be the one scan in our whole duration of being parents that he would have to miss.
I don’t know if this is just me, a mum thing or something else but I accepted it pretty quickly. I stood tall, put my shoulders back and vowed to bulldoze through it by myself and for our baby. I wasn’t going to rearrange the appointment. The almost four week wait had already been so hard to try and ignore, to try and think past, think away. I had to go! So I told myself to be brave and strong and to get the ‘diagnosis’ so that I could be everything that my baby would need. There was no other choice. Being a Mother is all about playing the card that you have been dealt, poker faces, game faces, thinking fast and acceptance. There are no days off, time outs. You have to be 100% in, from the moment you see those lines on the pregnancy test. And that is something that I definitely am.
And that is what has gotten me through the days to the here and now. Waiting for the seconds to tick by on a clock. Sitting and waiting in my long, dark green maternity dress that makes me feel confident. Tapping my feet, waiting for my sister to collect me for my appointment. Thankfully I have the best family and support network to step in and fill in the gaps for Matt so that this day would be much less stressful, a little easier on me. One sister was taking me to the scan and willing to hold my hand through good or bad news and one was looking after Noah and Ellenah so that we could protect them, soften the blow if I had to come home with hard news that may upset them. At least I had time to remind myself and be thankful for the positives, the good things about my life while I waited. Being a glass half full type of person really helps sometimes. It helps keep a smile on my face when things feel tough anyway. Even if the smile is a little shaky, unsure and a little forced. Sometimes a smile is all you have to kick back with, push on and get through something. So it matters.
Anyway, my sister is outside. Best grab my keys, pregnancy notes, purse, kids, a deep breath and that smile which I am relying on to get me through this next couple of hours.
Our baby is perfect! Weighs about a pound. Has kind of big feet. Doesn’t like to be told what to do. Or to be moved. Has a stubborn streak (like mama) and a strong will. Likes wiggling fingers and toes. And is doing beautifully while growing in my tummy. We are doing okay and I have nothing to worry about as far as any measurements or investigations at this point can tell.
And now I can breathe. Like really and truly breathe. I can feel that weight of worry that I have been shifting around with me for weeks to simply fade away.
It ended up being possibly the most lovely, detailed scan that I have ever had in any of my pregnancies. The sonographer was just so lovely to me and so reassuring, I could have hugged her so tightly if I wasn’t so excited to jump out of the room to call Matt and tell him that everything was fine, is fine and everything is going to be okay.
I can’t stop glaring at the scan photograph’s, especially the one of our baby’s foot. I feel like I can reach out and hold it in my hands. I feel like I’m walking on air. I feel like I can’t describe what is happening in my heart. Like I can’t describe how light I feel with relief. Words certainly can’t do justice just how happy I am that my baby is healthy. For a moment then, I was really and truly afraid. Scared to my core. Terrified within every inch of my being.
I’ve never held onto the saying ‘the world only gives us what we can handle’ so much in my life.
But…I am human! I was anxious that the world had me all wrong.
I think everything is going to be okay from now. For the first time in this pregnancy, I walked away from a scan with hope.