When I considered this post, the best part of a year ago, I imagined it to be different. I thought it would resemble a highlight reel of the year that I was twenty-nine. I imagined that it would be a lot of ticks off of my ’30 before thirty bucket list’. I wondered if I would talk about all of the things that I had planned for my twenty ninth year, how I had changed aside from simply growing older. I deliberated over which photographs I would use and I thought that I already knew how they would make me feel before I even had the chance to take them.
The truth is, the year that I was twenty-nine has been much more of a ‘behind the scenes’ kind of chapter. Sometimes a little solitary. In one breath, I would say a fail in terms of the expectations that I had set for myself but in the other, I would say it has been one of the most important years of my life.
This past year, I have learned more about myself than I thought was possible and none of it came from the bucket list that I thought would be so important at the time. None of it came from the bucket list that I never began. I learned more about myself by simply coasting with life, letting go of my need to control everything and simply being a human being who realised that she didn’t have a fucking clue what direction she was meant to take next…let alone ‘find the perfect skincare routine’ while ‘reading thirty new books’.
I learned that the little goals of my bucket list were kind of pointless, my way of regaining control…making everything feel stable.
I recall the afternoon just recently, I had a little time, an hour or so until I needed to collect my little crazies from school. I looked at my list of things that I deemed important to achieve, almost a year ago and they kind of made me shudder. Don’t get me wrong, my ideas were lovely, cute…some beautiful yet suddenly, I didn’t get it anymore. I didn’t understand why I had to read thirty books, try thirty different recipes, have the perfect picnic or aim for ‘thirty acts of kindness’.
It’s about finding THE book that you relate to, changes you, inspires you… Not reading thirty shit ones! Food isn’t an aim, picnics are better when they are spontaneous and why would I limit kindness. I am kind, everyday… I am that person who throws kindness around like confetti.
I remember sitting there with a cup of peppermint & Liquorice tea and asking myself why I chose these things to aim for? Why were they relevant? What did I expect to gain by ‘achieving’ them? Happiness? Self-Worth? An attempt at self development perhaps? I still don’t know the answer. I do know that I still love the idea of bucket lists, goals and targets…making your dreams come true but this list just didn’t speak to me any more.
I was already listening to the moments this past year that I hadn’t planned for, in the year that I let life happen. I listened to the quiet that I had planned to make noisy, the times that I felt such joy, unexpectedly. The past year was speaking to me and I was enjoying reminiscing about all of the things that I could have missed out on in a bid to tick a box. Like when I went Glamping in November, in the freezing cold with my slightly mad family which was good for my soul. Like when I opened up about and faced past body issues which I now realise was a heavy burden to carry. Like when I attended a photoshoot in London which saw me step out of my comfort zone massively. Like spending time with my siblings (my backbone) at the theatre and being exactly who I am. Like being on billboards all around the country and having the loveliest women show support, It felt nice. Like enjoying being outside in the Summer with my children for camping, picnics and making memories because they are my heart. And lastly, deciding to extend our beautiful family by one more (hopefully) because I am proud to say that I love being a mother. I made some truly happy memories this past year. I learned a lot about what happiness means.
I think once you conquer happiness, you become free. Once you are confident enough to simply choose it for yourself, you will start to feel it…even in the most testing times. People spend their lives searching for it, sacrificing things they love to get closer to it, feeling miserable because they don’t have it… viewing it as unobtainable, a bonus. It doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t think that I have actually changed that much this past year to be honest with you but the one thing I have noticed in myself is how much believing in happiness has altered me, for the better.
I feel blessed to be going in to my thirtieth year, choosing happiness. Plain and simply.
I may still not know very much about different wines, I may still not know what clothes I want to wear, I may still follow every recipe to exact instruction and I may still feel like I don’t know my exact direction (like most of us!) but that is actually okay by me. There’s something exciting about it.
And it may have taken me a whole year to find the purpose of the ‘year that I was twenty-nine’ but at the end of it, I discovered something pretty great. Something that I can take in to ‘thirty’ and the rest of my years, something that will serve me well, look after me… make me a better person, full of light, love and positivity.
I get to be thirty and I get to be happy.
Twenty-Nine, it’s been amazing but I have a new chapter to begin, with a smile… x