To my darling, Dexi
You are different. You’ve truly changed. You’ve grown so fast and so much. All in just a month. Another month. How has another month been and gone? Why do we keep finding ourselves here, like this. You, happily spending your days, fully throwing yourself into this world and diving straight into your life. You are on a journey to learn, grow and find yourself. In your very first chapter. Me, constantly looking at you, loving you, wanting to hold you, dedicating myself to making sure you are happy, safe and free to be you. My first chapter was a long time ago. The chapter that I am in is the ‘raising my family and being the best mama that I can possibly be’ chapter. But, whatever. We keep finding ourselves here. You, thriving in the moments that come and go. Me, holding onto the moments as tightly as I can, cherishing them and wanting to rest in them, to prepare myself for the one’s to follow. You, wanting to see what you can do, what you are capable of. Me, wanting to slow time down, wanting to control it, not ready for it to take the most beautiful moments and times that I have had with you, and make them the past.
When Mama and Papa planned to bring a third baby into the world, I knew that I wanted to keep you, in the baby days for as long as I could get away with. And sweetheart, never think that I am disappointed in how quickly you are already leaving them behind, in your obvious wish to catch up and keep up with your big brother and big sister… It’s just bittersweet. This past month, I’ve seen you start to move. I’ve seen you shimmy along the floor like a little caterpillar on your back. I’ve seen you shuffle to get somewhere else, from where I placed you gently and lovingly on your play mat. I’ve seen you do it over and over and I feel so proud of you. I will feel proud of you, for every milestone you reach throughout your life, no matter how big or how small. But I will always miss you, as my newborn baby, those first days and weeks when it was just me, only me that you wanted or needed. Now it has started, now you will always be curious, determined and adventurous… which is exactly what I want for you too.
You are now interested in the bold, bright and happy looking baby toys that surround you each day. You reach for them, stare at them, shuffle towards them. You have an opinion on them. See, I told you that you are changing. You used to care about milk and cuddles only. It seems that now, you are broadening your horizons. It makes my heart happy that you have fallen in love with the soft, leggy caterpillar that Noah and then Ellenah played with as babies though, that is a beautiful thought for mama to hold on to. And obviously, I will never throw it away and will treasure it until the end of time. He has charmed you with his simple, happy looking face. Since day one, he has gone by the name of Pillar Pillar, although I can’t remember why.
You still adore being spoken to, included in conversations and quite recently, you have started to enjoy it when we read to you. It doesn’t matter what it is. I could read you a menu or food packaging, and you would be engaged and excited to listen to more. Obviously you prefer books, the bright, baby kind. The ones with different textures are best. You find it wonderful when I take your hand and move it across the furry, crinkly, bumpy pictures and it makes you smile and squeal with happiness. This is one of the things that I have embraced and enjoyed most about you growing so quickly. Your mama is a complete book lover. I desperately want that for you too. So as you grow, you can lose yourself in your imagination and fall into that happy place that reading takes you to. Loving books is and will be great for you. Fingers crossed you will always love story time as much.
I know that I started this letter off by sounding quite emotional but Sweetheart, we have had so much fun together this month. You are so delicious. So happy, playful and loving. You are absolutely a bundle of joy and you are very quickly becoming my little sidekick. You laugh hard when I pretend to eat your feet, you wiggle as I make noises that sound like I’m gobbling them up. You feel calm and peaceful when I pretend to use them as a phone though, your arms drop heavily, up by the sides of your head and you lay so still, your big eyes fixated into mine. We pretend to call Papa, Noah and Ellenah and you take it all in. listening intently to the conversations that I have into the ball of your foot.
Talking of your tootsies. You have found your toes. You pull your legs up to your head by pulling your feet up and you move them around, rocking your body, very gently from side to side. It’s fascinating to watch you discover yourself as a human. Watching you realise that you are you.
You are so good with your hands, little one. You are way ahead of yourself with your pincher motion. The way that you can grab and hold onto the hanging toys from your play matt surprises me every time. I’m always grabbing anyone nearby in excitement, like ‘Look at Dexi, isn’t he clever?’. You concentrate so hard to get the exact toys in your hands that you want. You are so incredibly focussed for your age and you hardly show frustration. You have shown such patience, which is definitely not a trait that you share with me or your Papa. So it is just glorious to see. You make me want to try harder when it comes to my own patience, rather than at times being high maintenance, a little demanding, perhaps. You completely inspire me.
You have been such a delight during these past three months, that I decided to take you to a few baby groups. I thought that we would try them on for size after quite a daunting experience when Noah was a baby. You just fit right in. You were completely unfazed and perfectly happy to be with other children. You made it so easy for me, so enjoyable. Your favourite group so far was Rhyme Time at our local library. The session is only half an hour and you love to hear people sing. Around you and to you. It is a lovely group that encourages a lot of interaction so by the end of it, you are always ready to nap. In a good way. Not because you were bored. I like that it is in the library too. As you get bigger, we will start to borrow books that you choose… so it feels like it works. I’m hoping that you may make some little friends too. That would be ever so sweet.
You must make me feel really brave when I think about it baby boy, because this month we have taken you on your first train ride and for an event at the YouTube Space in London… All in one day. You didn’t mind the train until it became very busy. We went early so it was full of commuters who piled on at each stop. It became a bit too much for the last part and you basically screamed for the last ten minutes of the journey. It was tough… but everyone was really nice and said that the train makes them feel like that too. I agreed. Other than that, you didn’t falter. Even through a whole day of presentations, we happily bopped you at the back of the room and you were as good as gold. So warm, calm and happy. You were charming and the ladies loved you. You were and are a complete angel.
You are a darling even when you aren’t feeling your best, You battled your first little cold that came and went in a day and a half ( thank God that we are breastfeeding!) and even when you were so tired from very little sleep, you managed to smile and coo until your heart’s content. You really are a little drop of sunshine. My shining light. I say this even after we had to succumb to Peppa Pig on the iPad one time, in the very early hours of the morning to settle you, when you were struggling to understand why you felt so crummy. I still think that warmth radiates from your beautiful, little soul.
You don’t make anyone work for their smiles anymore really, do you beautiful boy? Your smiles and laughter explode out of you, too big for you to keep inside. They are much bigger than you. I truly think you find the happiness in everything. Always finding the thing to smile about. You’re hardly ever sad. Do you know, you are just so easy to love?
Three months has been so good to you Dexi. And us. I ask, why do we keep finding ourselves here… but everything really is as it should be. And despite what I say, you are still my baby. The little baby who I rock in my arms, who clings to me tightly when he needs comfort, who feels better when I sing the same song from when he was just hours old, who sucks his thumb when he is falling asleep, who lets me stroke his soft hair, who saves his most special gummy smiles for his mama, who still stares deeply in to my eyes like he is looking into my heart… My baby boy, who I love more and more each day. With a love so fierce, a love so big… A love so profound that the thought of existing without it, makes absolutely no sense to me at all.
Thank you for another beautiful month Dexter James,
I love you, so much
From, Mama x
p.s. I have made another little video for you, to remember your third month by. I hope you like it as much as I loved making it x