The Toothfairy

Noah lost his third tooth on Sunday evening. It was his front tooth at the top. The gap is huge. He looks kinda funny, a bit odd…a little goofy. Although, incredibly cute.

It was a process, it had been wiggly for a while and I watched him every day, trying to get that sucker out. It didn’t want to budge…but he got there in the end.

It is meant to be simple. It happens to every child, right? It is to be expected. It’s almost business for a young lad. A transaction. Every time a tooth comes out, it goes under the pillow and by the time he wakes up in the morning, a shiny penny is in its place. It’s a handshake. It’s a deal. Final. Normal.

So, why do I take it so badly?

Why do I get a stinging in my tear ducts each time I see that big, gappy grin edging towards me with his little milk tooth tucked in to his clammy hand? Why does my lip start to quiver and my stomach feel a little sick with the thought of it? Why do I take any little sign of him growing up so badly?

Why does it hurt my heart?

I wish that sometimes I could pretend to be a bit harder, with no regard for the way of things. The truth of things. That Noah is quickly growing up and it makes me dizzy.

Why do I sneak in to his room before I go to sleep each night, just to watch him breathing and dreaming. Why does that time matter to me so much when he doesn’t even know I am there? Why do I feel the need to steal his face for a few more minutes in the day, during his stillness, his healing, his growing.

Am I trying to delay the inevitable? Trying to control it perhaps?

I know deep down that his growing up isn’t on my terms, not really!

He surprises me everyday, with his knowledge, his acceptance of the world… the way he handles scissors in arts and crafts.

I’ve taught him, sure? I raise him, definitely! But, he leads the way… he would be bored, unchallenged and uninspired if he waited for me to pick up the pace, to catch up with him. We both know, I wouldn’t be able to do it and I would happily wrap him in cotton wool if he would let me.

I would do just about anything to be able to turn back time some days, so that we could both have our own way.

It’s a shame I can’t.

Instead, I have to shove a smile on my face and put on my best wings.

Because ‘The Toothfairy’, she loves this shit.

With Love, Ria x