I’ve changed a lot in one year. I’ve undone myself completely. I’ve been stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ve pulled courage out of my arse and gumption out of my ears and I’ve had to fight for this version of myself. This woman who wears vulnerability in her eyes but her savage flame of self worth as a crown. I’ve fucking earned it. I didn’t realise a year ago, how unlike me I had become. I had been putting everything into getting by, as life often forces us in to doing. Always putting myself last. Always giving everyone and everything else more value than my own pretty heart. Which I realise now, is actually very pretty. It’s warm and it always searches for goodness in everything. I still don’t know why I didn’t think I mattered that much. I don’t know why as a grown woman, I…

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I’ve been waiting until I had the courage, to dive into a dark place and explain what has happened to me… to then have the strength to leap back out of it and carry on living out my new chapter. I still don’t know how I’m going to do. I feel like I’ve lost my voice. Like writers block, except I’ve almost got too many words to make sense of. Too much to say. Too many feelings. Too much happiness. Too much rage. Too much growth. Too much sadness. Too much fear. Too much freedom. Too much of myself back. Too much fire in my soul. Too many questions. Too much sass to filter any of it. Too many things that I still don’t understand. Too many things that I do…but wish I didn’t some days… perhaps?! My life changed. Suddenly. One minute, my beautiful family and I were skiing…

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Wow! 2017… What a year? I mean, in 2017, we completed our beautiful, crazy team and became a family of five… So it is definitely one of those years that will take some beating. It was a whirlwind though. A real knock you off of your feet, months in a bubble of loveliness, high on life, Holy shizzle kind of whirlwind. It started off feeling difficult. Well actually, the first half of it was really hard. Exhausting. Overwhelming. A struggle. I’m not ashamed to admit that being and feeling constantly sick during my pregnancy, wore me out. I remember the day that I made my pregnancy announcement video. I wanted it to be so beautiful because nothing that I went through affected the love that was growing in my heart for my baby. I felt like the luckiest person in the whole wide world and I couldn’t wait for this…

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Dear Ellenah, on the eve of your sixth birthday, These letters are so much more than simply saying ‘Happy Birthday’ to you. To my best girl in the whole world. This is where I get to reflect on the past year, all of the changing you have done… All of the growing. All that we have been through together. All of the wonderful ways that you have become… You… As the most beautiful, clever, funny, charismatic, almost six year old ever. There are absolutely millions of things that I could say about you from this past year… You have surprised me endlessly and shone so brightly… As you always do. The year that you were five started so subtly, so calmly… I was growing your baby brother, Dexter in my tummy and I didn’t find that the easiest time. Our days were spent getting from A to B, squeezing in…

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Dear Dexter, I have had the most beautiful month with you, My Sweetheart. For the first time since you were born, time doesn’t seem to matter at all. I can only assume it went fast, as all months do when you are watching your children grow up… but we have all been lost in it somewhere, in the days that made you four months old. Before now, you have been our baby boy. You have cooed, smiled, laughed and all of it has been oh so sweetly. You have shown such love for us, we who love you the most of all. We have fallen in love with your sweet baby days and everything that has come with it. Noah and Ellenah have held you in their arms, felt the weight of your long, squishy thighed body. Daddy has talked with you, softly and let your laughing eyes steal pieces…

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