It’s no secret that I am terrible at spoiling myself. It’s no secret that I am terrible at allowing myself the essentials in life too. I don’t like to buy myself things, as much as I may want them or need them. I’m quite conscious of consumerism and I don’t buy in to having lots of ‘stuff’ or ‘keeping up with the Jones’. I’m also a mama and I tend to put my money to better use or for other things. How many other mama’s can identify with that sentence? At the same time though, I spend a lot of time on social media and I am exposed to the ‘things’ and ‘trends’ which seem so perfect and are everywhere I look. I’ve never been a follower I’m proud to say… and not much of a leader if I’m being realistic. I really am just an individual, just me. If…

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Times have really changed you know? Long gone are the days when I would have had solid New Years Eve plans. When I would have secured tickets for somewhere that the drinks would be flowing, when I would need to go shopping for something glamorous and I would get excited with my friends for weeks leading up to the big day. I’ll be honest, back in my more wild days, those ‘New Years Eve’s’ never quite went to plan. There was one year we tried to…ahem… smuggle our friend over a pub garden wall because she couldn’t get tickets, one year my other friend fainted, one year I realised that my relationship at the time was over and all fuelled by too many alcoholic beverages and sealed by singing a rather interesting version of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and it would be a ‘Happy New Year To All!’ Those were exactly…

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The room was dark when I woke up at 5am on Christmas morning and it was still dark when I woke up again half an hour after that. I couldn’t sleep too well, my mind was overwhelmed with the excitement of the chaos that would start in a couple of hours time yet felt like forever. I remember when I was a child, when trying to sleep, in that place between asleep and awake, a couple of nights before the big day… I would become so excited for Christmas day that I would convince myself that Christmas Eve,Eve was actually Christmas Eve and Christmas day was just that bit closer. I used to be so excited I could almost burst and as a child I didn’t think that it would get much better than those precious years of ‘believing’ and the magic of it all, surrounded by friends and family,…

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On Thursday, it was Miss Ellenah’s 4th Birthday. It was an emotional day for me. Four just feels so much bigger than being three years old. Four year olds like to say ‘But, I am four!’ a lot while they pout and put their hands on their hips. I’m waiting for a finger wiggle from my ‘Miss Sassy Pants’ over here in the next few days. Seriously, I’m waiting for her to start singing ‘R.E.S.P.E.C.T’ to me if I so much as dare ask her to eat her carrots. Ellenah has suddenly become so much more independent, just in the last couple of days. It’s amazing to watch but bittersweet. I already miss her needing me so much. I wasn’t ready for her to be four. My youngest child is growing up just too quickly for me now. As if by magic she understands reasoning just that little bit more…

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Dear Ellenah, I’m not starting this letter to you at all well. You my darling are turning four tomorrow and before I have even managed the start of this letter, I already have a tear on my cheek. I can’t believe how quickly this day has come around. You have been waiting for this day… one that in your eyes, will make you ‘big, big, big!’ I know it is selfish but, I don’t want you to be ‘big, big, big!’… I have truly cherished you this size, the size you are right now… with your bright, blonde hair and blue eyes. You look like an angel and despite the fact that can have an extremely quick temper, sharp wit and stong mind… You really are truly sweet. So fresh and so pure. I love you when you’re this big and I know that people say, ‘the older your children…

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